Charlie Okay. Zoey and I are going out. I'll be on my pager.
You're going out?
Yeah.
Charlie, you're taking extra protection, right?
Hey, Leo...
Secret Service protection, Charlie. But thanks for loading me up with that image.
S2The Midterms
I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
Yes it does. Leviticus.
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
18:22.
Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
Forgive me, Dr. Jacobs. Are you an M.D.?
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
Ph.D.
A Ph.D.?
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
Yes, sir.
In Psychology?
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
No sir.
Theology?
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
No.
Social work?
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
I have a Ph.D. in English Literature.
I'm asking, 'cause on your show, people call in for advice and you go by the name of Dr. Jacobs on your show. And I didn't know if maybe your listeners were confused by that, and assumed you had advanced training in Psychology, Theology, or health care.
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
I don't believe they are confused, no sir.
Good. I like your show. I like how you call homosexuality an abomination.
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
I don't say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President. The Bible does.
Yes it does. Leviticus.
JJDr. Jenna Jacobs
18:22.
Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
[long pause; Dr. Jenna Jacobs stands]
S2In this White House
Toby, come quick, Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.
Ginger, get the popcorn.
Charlie, when they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.
Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President, and we'll call it even.
Charlie, I wanna hire a woman whose voice I think would fit in nicely around here. She's a conservative Republican. You think I should do it?
Absolutely, Mr. President, cause I'm told that theirs is the party of inclusion.
But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.
Yes, and you know what's even more sinister than that? Your gun control policy doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns.
[to her Republican friends about the Democratic White House staff] Say they are smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people I have met have been extraordinarily qualified. Their intent is good. Their commitment is true. They are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.
So, I have to tell you, I've never seen Sam Seaborn get beat the way you beat him on Monday.
Yes, well, Mr. McGarry...
Leo.
Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did.
I... didn't really follow that, but whatever.
I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else.
It's wrong?
Yes.
That's fine, except you weren't summoned here to be reprimanded.
Well, then, if you'll permit me, why was I summoned?
You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that?
It's a nervous condition.
I used to have a nervous condition.
How did yours manifest itself?
I drank a lot of scotch.
I get sick when I drink too much.
I get drunk when I drink too much.
Well, Mr. McGarry...
Leo.
I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today?
So I could offer you a job.
I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game?
Cat and mouse?
Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward...
Here it comes.
Did you say offer me a job?
Yes. Associate White House counsel. You'd report to the deputy White House counsel who reports to the White House counsel who reports to me.
I'm sorry... a job in this White House?
You want a glass of scotch?
Yes, please.
I have always been a Republican. My father is a Republican. His father was State Chairman of the North Carolina Republican Party.
Yes.
When I was young, I was a Young Republican.
Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this, you know, many, many times, I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file.
You have my FBI file?
Yes.
I can't believe that! You have my FBI file?
Yes.
I have an FBI file?
Ainsley...
Mr. McGarry, I loathe almost everything you believe in. [stands up]
Where are you going?
I'm not going anywhere, I'm standing up, which is how one speaks in opposition in a civilized world.
Well, you go, girl.
I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts.
I don't think that's true.
How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?
None. [after a moment] C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?
No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but-- that doesn't matter. The point is...
Ainsley.
Yes, sir.
Don't you want to work in the White House?
Oh, only since I was two.
[shrugging] Okay.
Ainsley...
Mr. McGarry.
The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you. The President's asking you to serve. And everything else is crap.
Josh You're not taking the job?
No. But thank you for talking to me, instead of about me.
Hey, I'm still back on he offered you the job... but you're not taking the job?
No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?
You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.
This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.
Imagine my surprise.
But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy's [Josh] dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns, they loaded 'em, they drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn, and until they pulled the trigger they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around words like personal freedom and nobody calling 'em on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.
Yes, they do. But do you know what's even more insidious than that? Your gun control position doesn't have anything to do with public safety, and it's certainly not about personal freedom. It's about that you don't like the people who do like guns. You don't like the people. Think about that the next time you make a joke about the South.
S2And It's Surely to Their Credit
EEngineer
Cut take.
Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.
This is take five, sir.
Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me.
Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?
Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old.
EEngineer
Saturday morning radio address, take 21.
I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.
Is this still my first term?
You lied to me just then.
I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.
This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.
The girl who's been writing the columns?
Yeah.
[to Ainsley] You're an idiot.
Oh God–
She's not an idiot, Lionel, she clerked for Dreifort!
Well, Dreifort's an idiot.
Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.
I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him! [to Ainsley] Nice meeting you.
She's working for you, Lionel.
Excuse me?
She's working for you. The president asked me to hire her for your office.
The President of what, asked you to hire her for my office?
The United States.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.