[reading from a book by George Washington] "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."
Well... I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.
S1Six Meetings Before Lunch
[The office staff watches the Senate start to vote on Mendoza's confirmation to the Supreme Court and begin celebrating. Bonnie starts handing around a bottle of champagne]
Put it down! Put it down!
BBonnie
Toby!
No champagne.
BBonnie
We're just getting--
Put it down. Everyone in this room, let me have your attention! Please. The law of our land mandates that Presidential appointees be confirmed by a majority of the Senate, a majority being a total of half plus one for a total of what, Ginger?
Fifty-one.
Fifty-one 'yea' votes is what we see on these screens before a drop of wine is swallowed! Because there's a little thing called what, Bonnie?
BBonnie
"Tempting fate"?
"Tempting fate" is what it's called. In the three months that this man has been on my radar screen, I have aged forty-eight years. This is my day of jubilee, I will not have it screwed up by what, Bonnie?
BBonnie
By tempting fate.
By tempting fate! These things take patience. These things take skill. These things take luck. In the fifteen months we've been in office, what kind of luck have we had? Ginger?
Bad luck.
[clears his throat and raises his eyebrows] What kind of luck?
Very bad luck.
We've had very bad luck.
Mallory, everything that you're saying makes sense. I just think that the state of urban schools is such that if you can save even one kid...
[stands] You can save more than one kid...
Tell me how.
By asking Congress to approve, not just a little, but a lot more money for public education.
[Sam laughs]
What?
[stands] Public education has been a public policy disaster for 40 years. Having spent around four trillion dollars on public schools since 1965, the result has been a steady and inexorable decline in every measurable standard of student performance, to say nothing of health and safety. But don't worry about it, because the U.S. House of Representatives is on the case. I feel better already.
[beat] Wow.
What?
For a guy who's trying to date me, that was pretty snotty.
Well, hang on. These are office hours. If I'd known I was working on that I would have had a whole different attitude.
He's in favor of school vouchers, Dad.
No, Mallory. He's really not.
Yes, he is.
No, he's not.
I read the position paper.
It's opposition prep.
Opposition prep?
When we're gearing up for a debate, we have the smart guys take the other side.
[to Sam] You stood there and argued with me.
Yes.
Why?
You made an appointment.
Sam...
Would the two of you take it outside?
I thought you were trying to drive a wedge between us.
Yeah, but now you're just boring the crap out of me.
Hey...
Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
S1Let Bartlet Be Bartlet
The theme of the Egg Hunt is "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.
You're not getting enough roughage in your diet, you know I'm right about that.
I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage, I know that for damn sure.
Once again you display an immaturity about vegetables that I think is not at all Presidential.
Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.
APAdmiral Percy Fitzwallace
You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?
No, sir, I don't.
APAdmiral Percy Fitzwallace
'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.
Yes, sir.
APAdmiral Percy Fitzwallace
That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.
Yes, sir.
APAdmiral Percy Fitzwallace
The problem with that is that's what they were saying to me 50 years ago. Blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the United States Navy and chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.
You want to see me orchestrate this right now? You want to see me mobilize these people? These people who would walk into fire if you told them to. These people who showed up to lead. These people who showed up to fight. [points at Charlie] That guy gets death threats because he's black and he dates your daughter! He was warned: “Do not show up to this place. Your life will be in danger.” He said, “To hell with that, I'm going anyway.” You said, “No.” Prudent or not prudent, this 21 year old for 600 dollars a week says, “I'm going where I want to, because a man stands up!”
Listen up. Our ground game isn't working; we're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into them full-speed.
What are you saying?
Well, you can start by telling the Hill the President's named his nominees to the FEC. And we're gonna lose some of these battles. And we might even lose the White House. But we're not going to be threatened by issues: we're going to put 'em front and center. We're gonna raise raise the level of public debate in this country, and let that be our legacy. That sound alright to you Josh?
I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.
Yeah?
I serve at the pleasure of the President.
I serve at the pleasure of President Bartlet.
Toby?
I serve at the pleasure of the President.
S1Mandatory Minimums
BBonnie
[after Josh told the Senate Majority Leader to "shove his legislative agenda up [his] ass"] Rambo!
You talking to me?
BBonnie
Nice phone call.
That's how we do things in New England, my friends.
BBonnie
In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.
In New Jersey, we encourage it.
Mandatory Minimums are racist.
I understand that.
They're a red herring.
I understand that, too.
It's a way of looking like you're tough on crime, without assuming the burden of being tough on crime.
Everything you've said I understand.
I'm saying...
We do things one thing at a time.
But I'm saying we don't have time to do things one thing at a time.
We're talking about treatment.
I'm talking about treatment and I'm talking about Mandatory Minimums and I'm saying it's a red herring and I'm saying it's racist.
When you talk to the President, I want you talking about treatment. I want you talking about treatment vs. enforcement and I don't want you to stray from that!
Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this"?
Yes, I meant, you're in charge of this, in the sense that you're subordinate to me in every way.
[to Andy] I have to get back to work. And you, being a Congresswoman... I'm sure you need to be back out there... you know, screwing the people.
Take it easy.
I won't take it easy! Give me the phone. I'm gonna call the Senator and I'm gonna tell him that he can shove his legislative agenda up his ass!
I've already done that.
I'll do it again.
You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather. When Pacino tells James Caan that he's gonna kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene, only not really.
...
It is like that scene. I'm James Caan. [to Sam] You're...you're Al Pacino.
Let's go.
Toby, you're the guy who shows Pacino how to make tomato sauce.
Mr. President.
We were almost done.
I... met with Congresswoman Wyatt today.
When you were married to her, did you call her Congresswoman Wyatt?
No, sir.
Sometimes I call my wife Dr. Bartlet.
I call her Andy or uh... Andrea.
Okay.
Mandatory Minimums.
You're whupped, my friend.
Sir.
No, she's been talking to you for a year about Mandatory Minimums. You've been saying no. Looks like we know who wears the pants in the Ziegler family.
You call your wife “Dr. Bartlet”?
Just for the turn-on.
S1Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
We agree on nothing, Max.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir.
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.
SLSenator Lobell
You know why?
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.
SLSenator Lobell
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-bitch.
Yes, you are.
SLSenator Lobell
We agree about that.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.