Toby Ziegler quotes from The West Wing

Toby

Listen, we need to make a call on Camden Yards.

Josh

Huh?

Toby

It's Memorial Day. He's gonna toss out the first pitch at Camden Yards.

Josh

Cancel it. Eh, can't cancel it; sends the wrong message. Ask for a moment of silence. And Toby, he's gotta, you need to take him out with gloves and a ball.

Toby

It's a six foot toss from the stands. It's Little League.

Josh

FDR threw from the stands; beaned one of his photographers in '37, extended the Depression by four years.

Leo

Just skip to the part that's going to piss me off

Toby

That's going to be all of it.

C.J.

You ever look around and think 'If we're the ones in charge, this country's in a hell of a lot of trouble?'

Toby

'Til I spend time with the other guys.

Toby

We're fumbling. Our diplomatic strategy is a game of telephone.

Bartlet

Read the coverage. We're doing fine.

Toby

Today, sure, and the second day's story is how you pulled it off. But the third-day story is that Congress doesn't want to pay, that our coalition's fraying, that the spokes are coming off the wheels–

Bartlet

It's a couple of days. This was totally unexpected.

Toby

No, it wasn't. Not with Leo's history with alcohol, with pills. Mr. President, surely you had a process in place.

Bartlet

Not for this. You think we'd even be doing this without him?

Toby

No, sir, but Leo is one person and there are 290 million more and they come first.

Bartlet

I'd like to know why my Treasury Secretary's on national television denouncing a tax cut I never saw because of an estimate I never asked for.

Josh

We did offer to brief you on the details.

Bartlet

Brief me now.

Josh

We're not quite ready to brief you on the details.

Bartlet

Because you made a complete hash of it; the Leadership's sole request before taking up peacekeeping.

Toby

We're close to 60 Democratic votes.

Josh

It's just that you might face a decision about the fall legislative agenda.

Bartlet

What is that?

Toby

Would you prefer a bill to appoint an American monarch...

Josh

...or a ban on the institution of marriage, except in casinos and department stores.

Bartlet

You tell the Speaker and the Majority Leader that with my newfound royal authority, with all my free time now that my marriage has been banned, and with the support of every NATO member in my pocket I'm sending those peacekeepers to the Middle East. If Congress wants to feed them, pay them, or ever bring them back, that's entirely up to them.

Toby

I assume we're free to play with the language on that.

Bartlet

We're done here.

Bartlet

I'll make this quick. I don't know if I'm comfortable working this closely with a woman. Maybe it's time for me to call it a day, give the VP a chance to steer the ship.

Bartlet

[to Toby] You're weak. You have a weak will. You should have held it. See if she pulled out the Continuity of Government plan.

Will

He cracked up at the mere suggestion of the VP...

Toby

[Still giggling uncontrollably] I had a whole thing on spending time with my kids, I went up.

CJ

You are bad, bad men.

Bartlet

In the service of a vengeful god.

Will

On behalf of the Vice President and myself and every man who's ever had a Wonder Woman fantasy, it's a bright day.

CJ

Get out.

Annabeth

How do you get women? Briefing the press is a seduction.

Toby

Briefing the press isn't a seduction. It's war!

Josh

What are you going to do when this is done?

Toby

Whatever I can to stave off the chaos, mayhem and self-interest that lies just beneath our civil disguise.

Josh

So, not the private sector?

Toby

The money would have to be unbelievable.

Toby

You're not planning on writing a constitution this week?

The document is just a beginning. A constitutional democracy succeeds only if the constitution reflects democratic values alive in the citizenry. Which is why our most important job is to instill those values in their leaders through discussion and debate.

Toby

I don't think a strong executive is such a good idea... Half the faculty at Yale Law describes the American Presidential system as one of this country's most dangerous exports... It is a recipe for constitutional breakdown!

Well, I can see this is going to be a vibrant discussion.

Leo

You are no longer the guy who picks losing candidates and ushers them to their principled end. You're the guy who takes good men and makes them great. You and Josh, you still think you're terriers barking at the heels of the party. You are the party. Rafferty's a spoiler, shouldn't be in the race.

Toby

I'm not sitting this one out, Leo.

Leo

Don't. But don't pretend you're still an outsider with a ponytail and a dream, you work in the White House... Your brother didn't have any more fight in him. You still do.

Toby

Arnold Vinick just positioned himself as Jed Bartlet's natural successor.

Annabeth

How'd he do that?

Toby

Without one mention, without so much as an allusion to either one, he managed to dismiss Russell and Santos as puny dwarf-like children trying to get a seat at the grownups' table.

Toby

We're getting some movement from Congress on education.

Josh

What kind?

C.J.

We'll get you a summary but probably class size reduction, a little infrastructure money, some version of performance incentives for teachers.

Josh

That's right out of the Santos plan.

C.J.

Well, he probably doesn't have the votes for it.

Josh

He definitely doesn't have the votes.

C.J.

But if he's [Haffley] expressing an interest...

Josh

He's expressing an interest because the Vinick camp told him to.

Toby

Could be.

Josh

Education may be the only thing the public knows about Matt Santos other than his hair color. We would be thrilled if you kept the hands off.

Toby

Wow. Okay.

Josh

You think we can bring it up in a debate after Jed Bartlet's already moved on it? We'll look like idiots.

Toby

That's unfortunate.

C.J.

Okay, everybody, let's take a breath.

Leo

Haffley is extending an olive branch. I'm sure the President is just being polite. He knows he can't get an education bill passed in his last six months.

C.J.

The guy's got a 66% approval rating. We're not rolling up the rugs.

Leo

A new Democratic administration will pass a much more powerful bill.

C.J.

You people are nine points down. It's better than 20 points down, but it's not what I'd call a win.

Josh

Hey...

Toby

The only reason the Speaker is opening the door at all is because he thinks it may wound your campaign. You think he's going to walk in here a year from now and offer it to the bright-eyed new President?

Leo

Haffley's playing you.

Toby

No, actually, he's screwing you, and for the moment, we're comfortable with that.

Leo

He's screwing the party.

Josh

Leo.

Leo

He's screwing the party and using this administration to do it.

C.J.

The President did not take an oath of party, he took an oath of office.

C.J.

[to Toby] Good evening. You would not believe the day I had. I'd tell you about it if I could talk about it, but a bunch of stuff happened today that I can't talk about, so I guess I should stop talking about it. [hands a folder to Margaret] But the truth is, I'm so strung out and wired on caffeine that I can't even tell what room I'm in.

Toby

C.J....

C.J.

Let's open that bottle of champagne you gave me for my birthday. Maybe the alcohol will balance out the caffeine.

Toby

C.J., the leak--

C.J.

[gets out the bottle of champagne and two glasses] Let's have a toast. One final toast before I leave the White House for my perp walk in leg irons. Here, you open it.

Toby

C.J.

C.J.

Fine, I'll open it. But just, uh, listen to what I have to say. Leo's in trouble.

Toby

I know.

C.J.

You do?

Toby

I got a lawyer.

C.J.

What?

Toby

I got a lawyer.

Toby

I did it.

Babish

Who were you talking to?

Toby

My attorney's voice mail.

My instructions were that you sit quietly.

Toby

I'm pretty sure I used my indoor voice.