Josh Lyman quotes from The West Wing

Josh

[after seeing that Margaret is quite pregnant] Am I seeing things? or is she...

C.J.

Very.

Josh

Wow. I didn't know she was pregnant.

Leo

She's pregnant.

Josh

I didn't even know she was married... [beat; Leo and CJ stare at him] Right. How is the President doing?

Leo

[about a potential VP candidate] Do you want me to get the President to lean on him?

Josh

He told me that he'd kick the guy's ass all over the school yard, if it came to that.

Leo

Who is it?

Josh

You.

Donna

You called Russell a cowpoke. You said the President avoided him in the halls. You hummed "These Boots Are Made For Walking" every time the press mentioned his name.

Josh

Yeah, but I won.

Donna

It was my job, Josh. You're not used to me being in a position of authority. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.

Josh

I've got an airplane hangar out there filled with 500 strangers looking to me for direction. I've got a candidate who doesn't trust any of them, and frankly, neither do I. And if you don't think I [breath hitches] miss you every day....

Donna

[She gets up and starts to leave the office trying to hold back her tears] Thank you for your time....

Toby

We're getting some movement from Congress on education.

Josh

What kind?

C.J.

We'll get you a summary but probably class size reduction, a little infrastructure money, some version of performance incentives for teachers.

Josh

That's right out of the Santos plan.

C.J.

Well, he probably doesn't have the votes for it.

Josh

He definitely doesn't have the votes.

C.J.

But if he's [Haffley] expressing an interest...

Josh

He's expressing an interest because the Vinick camp told him to.

Toby

Could be.

Josh

Education may be the only thing the public knows about Matt Santos other than his hair color. We would be thrilled if you kept the hands off.

Toby

Wow. Okay.

Josh

You think we can bring it up in a debate after Jed Bartlet's already moved on it? We'll look like idiots.

Toby

That's unfortunate.

C.J.

Okay, everybody, let's take a breath.

Leo

Haffley is extending an olive branch. I'm sure the President is just being polite. He knows he can't get an education bill passed in his last six months.

C.J.

The guy's got a 66% approval rating. We're not rolling up the rugs.

Leo

A new Democratic administration will pass a much more powerful bill.

C.J.

You people are nine points down. It's better than 20 points down, but it's not what I'd call a win.

Josh

Hey...

Toby

The only reason the Speaker is opening the door at all is because he thinks it may wound your campaign. You think he's going to walk in here a year from now and offer it to the bright-eyed new President?

Leo

Haffley's playing you.

Toby

No, actually, he's screwing you, and for the moment, we're comfortable with that.

Leo

He's screwing the party.

Josh

Leo.

Leo

He's screwing the party and using this administration to do it.

C.J.

The President did not take an oath of party, he took an oath of office.

Josh

Donna...

Donna

Let me get through this. It's one of the more awkward moments of a lifetime.

Josh

I can't do this.

Donna

I'm good is the point. I'm as surprised as you are and rumor has it that you could use a deputy.

Josh

[reading from a file] "Matthew Santos is throwing a ton of numbers at you hoping you'll be so confused as to miss the fact that his education plan is both impractical and unaffordable. He was a House member, you'd think behavior like that would annoy him." Donna Moss, Spokesperson, Russell for President Campaign.

Donna

I didn't mean that he was...

Josh

"Claiming that 3 House terms qualifies you to be President is like me saying I'm a foreign relations expert because I ordered Kung Pao last night."

Donna

I didn't say that, did I?

Josh

February 26; Coffee, Cake, and Candidates; Raleigh, North Carolina. "He wasn't a military strategist, he was a pilot. Ask him about the overhead compartment, not about defense."

Donna

You called Russell a cowpoke. You said the President avoided him in the halls. You hummed "These Boots Are Made For Walking" every time the press mentioned his name.

Josh

Yeah, but I won.

Donna

It was my job, Josh. You're not used to me being in a position of authority. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.

Josh

I've got an airplane hangar out there filled with 500 strangers looking to me for direction. I've got a candidate who doesn't trust any of them, and frankly, neither do I. And if you don't think I [breath hitches] miss you every day.... [pause] I can make a couple of calls...

Donna

[She gets up and starts to leave the office trying to hold back her tears] Thank you for your time.

You saw Vinick on TV this morning. Clearly it wasn't about content, but he was tough and he was authentic. He was Neil Young to your Neil Diamond.

Josh

I like Neil Diamond.

I'm sure you do.

Josh

We can't have a fight about a security leak. We'll get killed. I'm trying to change the conversation back to the economy.

How about moving the conversation to the fact that while Santos was serving in the Gulf, Vinick was serving himself Chardonnay. That Santos is still serving in the Reserves as a Congressman. He's been in the Senate for, like, 90 years. He was practically born in a committee hearing. If you're not using the phrase "Beltway Arnie" in every press release...

Josh

We're not going negative. Not now, not first.

Oh, really. You don't think you're running a negative campaign? Why are you always talking about high-tech jobs? Because Vinick uses a manual typewriter and his future is a set of plastic gums. You're doing political smear like the rest of us. All I'm saying is do it right.

Josh

After the round table we're going to have to put something out clarifying the Congressman's statement on Intelligent Design.

That says what, he thinks God's a moron?

Josh

He's running for President, not preacher-in-chief.

He's not going to use Medicaid for communion wafers. He said he believes in God, as did Abe Lincoln and George Washington.

Josh

We can't get sucked into these local issues.

Yes, except Republicans have nominated the first pro-choice and, by all accounts, anti-God candidate in history. For the first time, we have a chance to reach into their base and win back religious voters, to tell a swath of the heartland that maybe, just maybe, we have a nominee who's not hostile to their cultural values.

I was thinking while you were asleep.

Josh

I wasn't asleep.

Oh, really? With the drooling, the twitching, and muttering to yourself, which might otherwise be described as a schizophrenic episode, I'd go with 'You were sleeping.'

Josh

The ad's a sham. Anyone can see from the full interview.

Then bam, we hit Vinick with a political two-by-four.

Josh

You don't have to be happy about this.

You don't have to be queasy about this.

Josh

You don't know Santos the way I do. If this becomes a full-out negative...

You think he's got a glass jaw?

Josh

I think we lose a negative ad war. I think the other side is better at this and I think they have more to work with.

Yeah, come with me.

Josh

Where are we going?

Bedroom/office/staff room.

Josh

OK, I don't want to seem ungracious. We've all been under a lot of pressure. It's just that...

Josh

Hi.

Donna

Hi.

I don't know what the problem is between you two, but she's great on television and I don't care if she worked for Francisco Franco in the primary. Right now, it's all hands on deck, so work it out.

Toby

[about Santos] He's not presidential material.

Josh

Why?

Toby

Why? Because he left. He left Congress. He left Washington to go home and do small, important work. You had to haul him by the hair out of the family bed. Did you never stop to wonder if that was a good choice?

Josh

He stepped up. When presented with the opportunity...

Toby

[interrupting] A man in that job shouldn't have to be presented with anything. It's for someone who grabs it and holds onto it. For someone who thinks the gods have conspired to bring him to this place. That destiny demands of him this service! You don't have that kind of drive, that hubris, how in the hell are you gonna make the kind of decisions that stump every other person in this country? How in the hell are you gonna hold that kind of power in your hand?”

Josh

You don't know he's not that man.

Toby

You don't know that he is. [pauses] Is he? Look me in the eye and tell me that you know. Without a shadow of a doubt...you know. [pauses] That's why the other guy wins.

Tell Josh to chill.

Donna

Josh, chill.

Josh

Did you just tell me to chill?

Donna

It would appear so.

Josh

Is it somehow not clear that I'm your boss?

Donna

Congressman's recommendation.

Josh

Oh.

Donna

To which I heartily concur.

Josh

Yeah, I don't think you tell me to chill.

Donna

I wanted to scream it everyday for eight years.

Josh

Whatever inhibition prevented you, summon it.

Josh

I forget, in D.C. do they allow felons to vote? [pause] Too soon?

Toby

Yeah, a little bit.

Josh

Get some rest. I need you to look pretty for 20 million TV viewers.

Leo

If that's what we're counting on, the campaign is doomed.

Donna

Vinick has a cold!

Annabeth

Oh, that's precious.

Josh

I'm going to send him some Vick's Vapo-Rub and a big German nurse!