Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

Stefan

Where's Rebekah? Last I checked she was still daggered because you couldn't face her.

Klaus

If you're referring to the fact that I killed our mother, I've already come clean to Elijah.

Damon

Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? You might want to hold off on the judgement until dessert.

Stefan

We're here to make a deal Damon. Doesn't mean we need to kiss his ass for seven courses.

Damon

Stop staring, it's creepy.

Rebekah

Of course she looks beautiful. Nik gave her everything she's wearing.

Damon

Elena. Did you get what you want?

Elena

Actually, yes.

Damon

Good. Tell me on the ride home. We're leaving.

Elena

No. Damon, let go of me! Look, I'm sorry that I had to cut you out of the plan-

Damon

There shouldn't have been a plan. You shouldn't be here.

Elena

You think I like going behind your back? I don't. But if I hadn't asked Stefan to help, you would have tried to be the hero and you would have ruined everything.

Damon

Sorry for trying to keep you alive. Clearly Stefan doesn't give a crap anymore.

Elena

Now you're mad at me for including Stefan?

Damon

No, I'm mad at you because I love you.

Elena

Well, maybe that's the problem. (pauses) No...wait. That's not what I-

Damon

No, I got it, Elena. I care too much. I'm a liability. (scoffs) How ironic is that?

Rebekah

Shut up, Damon. (pause) Knew I should've killed him. Mother wouldn't let me.

Damon

Well... Never let people tell you what to do. (downs a shot) Besides... You would've broken him in a second.

Damon

Well you don't have to judge her. Just tie her up. Lock her in her room till this is over.

Alaric

Well, I wouldn't if I could, and I can't because I'm busy.

Damon

Busy doing what?

Alaric

Don't worry about it.

Damon

Are you with the sexy psycho doctor?

Alaric

Good bye Damon.

Elijah

In any case, you have until six minutes after nine to find them.

Damon

Oh, how super specific of you.

Damon

So how do we know that they are going to be at the old witch house?

Stefan

We don't. But if they're not, we have about 10 minutes till Rebekah tears Elena apart.

Damon

You know, if we sit this out, Esther completes her spell, Klaus dies, you get your revenge, it's what you wanted the whole time. The only collateral damage is-

Stefan

Elena.

Damon

You know she'd choose?

Stefan

She'd let herself be killed to save her friend.

Damon

Yep.

Stefan

You know, if we do this it will wreck her.

Damon

Oh, she'll hate us. Thing is, she only has to hate one of us. Only one of us has to do the actual deed.

Stefan

So, who's it going to be, brother?

Damon

Well, heads I do it; tails you do it.

Stefan

Awful lot of effort for someone who pretends not to care about her anymore.

Damon

How long has it been since you've had a drop of human blood?

Stefan

How'd you know?

Damon

You spend 146 years with someone, you kind of start to pick up on their tells. Answer the question. How long has it been since your last drink?

Stefan

Since the night I threatened to drive Elena off the Wickery Bridge.

Damon

See. You have enough to feel guilty about. Why add to the list? By the way, you're welcome.

Stefan

You know you're not fooling anyone either. You still love her Damon.

Damon

I do. I thought I could win her from you fair and square. She didn't want me. It's for the best. I'm better at being the bad guy anyway.

Damon

Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie will haunt me forever.

Stefan

What do you want?

Damon

I was hoping we could hang. You know, a little brother bonding. I know we don't actually "hang out", we team up. We join forces, activate our wonder twin powers.

Stefan

What are you doing?

Damon

Digging up clues. Most of the Originals are gone, but now we have a Whodunit in town. Hey, do you remember when we came back for Zachariah's funeral?

Stefan

Vaguely, why?

Damon

Cause memory serves, he wasn't the first founders council member killed that year. Or even that month.

Stefan

Your point being?

Damon

I'm trying to remember what year it was.

Stefan

1912.

Damon

So much for vaguely. 1912. Or as I like to call it, last time Mystic Falls had a serial killer on its hands.

Damon

I didn't let him do anything. If you want to get nit-picky about it, I made him.

Elena

Why would you do that?

Damon

Because we're vampires, Elena. We need human blood to survive. We're predators, not puppies.

Elena

Well, Stefan found a way around it before.

Damon

Stefan has built himself a delusional wagon which he's repeatedly fallen off of.

Alaric

Tell me again, why are we here?

Damon

Ric, the world can't stop turning just because you're an accidental psycho killer.

Meredith

Do you have any tact? Whatsoever?

Please don't tell me you and Rebekah are friends.

Damon

Not unless you count hate sex.

Alaric

What the hell are you doing here?

Damon

Just making sure the witch didn't turn you into a toad, or a block of salt.

Damon

Morning, sunshine.

Elena

Hey. How's Alaric?

Damon

Indecent, but fine.

Elena

Does that mean there were no issues last night?

Damon

Nope, slept like a baby, woke up Alaric, no headlines about dead council members.

Elena

Then why do I feel like you're hiding something from me?

Damon

Well, maybe because you're being paranoid and control freaky. What'd you bring me? Ooh, chocolate muffins. You know what they say, the way to a psycho killer's heart is through his stomach.

Elena

They're not for you.

Damon

Fine. Keep convincing yourself that you're still mad at me. But sadly, Ric is gonna have to miss Elena time today. You know, lockdown and all.

Elena

Just, take it to him and tell him I miss him, okay?

Damon

We use the quarterback to distract her. Just keep her talking.

Matt

How?

Damon

Act interested. She's lonely, desperate.

Caroline

Clearly, she slept with you.