Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

Stefan

Huh. You're lurking...

Damon

I'm observing.

Stefan

More like obsessing...

Damon

Is he...?

Stefan

No. It wasn't that kind of strength. It was more than human, if that makes any sense.

Damon

What is up with that family? They're not vampires, what the hell are they?

Stefan

Ooo! Uh, maybe they're ninja turtles?

Damon

You're not funny.

Stefan

Or no, zombies. Werewolves.

Damon

No comedic timing at all.

Stefan

What? What are you up to?

Damon

Since this is reality, and there's no such thing as werewolves or combat turtles-

Stefan

I said ninja turtles.

Damon

Hey! You!

Uh, I have a name...

Damon

Yeah, I don't care.

Damon

I know I'm the last person you wanna see right now, but I need you to come with me.

Elena

Whatever it is, I'm not interested.

Damon

Yeah, I need you to come with me right now, Elena.

Elena

But, why?

Damon

Because Katherine is a manipulative, nasty little slut.

Caroline

[Sobbing] [To Damon] Please don't. I don't want to die!

Damon

Yeah, but you're already dead.

Caroline

No, I'm not! Don't say that, okay? Just help me!

Damon

Okay.

Caroline

Okay? Just– help me, please! Please, please! [Embraces Damon while sobbing]

Damon

[Embraces Caroline] Okay, okay. It's gonna be okay. Gonna be okay. It's the only way.

Damon

[Angrily] [To his brother] Stefan!

Caroline

[Thinking that Elena is Katherine] [To Elena] Get away from me! You killed me!

Elena

No, no, no, no, Caroline, that wasn't me. You know that. That was Katherine.

Caroline

No! Then why did she look like you?! And why?! Why did she do this to me?!

Elena

[To Stefan] Stefan, we gotta get her inside.

Stefan

[To Caroline] It's all right, Caroline, come with me.

Damon

[To his brother and Elena] She will die. It's only a matter of time.

Stefan

[To his brother] Yeah, maybe so, but it's not gonna happen tonight.

Damon

Oh, yeah, it is. (rushes at Caroline with the stake; Elena blocks him)

Elena

(gasps in terror, but holds her ground) [To Damon] Damon, she's my friend.

Damon

(slowly backs away) Whatever happens... it's on you.

Bonnie

I can't believe this is happening...

Damon

Come on, don't pout about it. We got a body to bury.

Damon

What the hell are you doing here?

Jeremy

You don't lock your front door.

Damon

Yeah. (starts to take a drink)

Jeremy

I wouldn't, I-- I laced it with vervain.

Damon

Now why would you do that?

Jeremy

(holds up wooden stake) So I could stake you with this.

Damon

You came here to kill me?

Jeremy

Well, it's only fair. You killed me first.

Damon

What made you wisen up?

Jeremy

My father hated vampires. My uncle, too. They were absolute; they knew exactly what they stood for. I figure maybe I should, too. I mean, stand for something. But killing you - what's that gonna do?

Damon

Look, I don't do the big brother thing very well. Sorry I don't have any milk and cookies to offer you.

Jeremy

(gets up to leave) Dick.

Damon

Wait. (Jeremy stops) ...My father hated vampires, too. For the same reason yours did. Only it was 1864; people knew how to whittle. (looks at the stake) Did you do this?

Jeremy

Yeah, it's-- it's harder than it looks.

Damon

Hmm.

Damon

Sorry you can't come too, Stef.

Stefan

(to Elena) Call me if you need anything, okay?

Damon

Oh, I’ll take really good care of her.

Damon

How you doing back there? (Elena pouts silently) You know, this whole 'pretending to hate me' thing is getting a little silly.

Alaric

I don't think she’s pretending. You did kill her brother.

Damon

There is a huge asterisk next to that statement. He came back to life.

Elena

Yeah. Thanks to a ring you didn't know he was wearing.

Damon

How are you so sure I didn't know?

Elena

Did you?

Damon

Yes!

Elena

You’re lying.

Damon

Elena! I saw the ring! It’s a big tacky thing, it’s hard to miss.

Damon

I can't reach it, Elena... Just pull the damn thing out, it hurts. (Elena pulls arrow out of his back) Ah. Whoo... (shakes it off, turns to leave) That bitch is dead.

Elena

(blocking him) Ah, you’re not going to kill her.

Damon

Watch me.

Elena

You touch her and I swear I will never speak to you again.

Damon

What makes you think that has any power over me? Cause I took an arrow in the back for you? You are severely over-estimating yourself.

Elena

Right, I forgot that I was speaking to a psychotic mind who snaps and kills people impulsively. Fine. Go ahead. Do whatever you want.

Damon

You’re trying to manipulate me...

Elena

If by "manipulate" you mean tell the truth, then okay. Guilty.

Elena

Here take this.

Does vervain really work?

Damon

(from the other room) Nope. Not at all.

Can he hear us?

Damon

(whispering) Nooo, that would be creepy...

Can he read minds, too?

Damon

You know, if you wanna see me naked all you have to do is ask.

Elena

No. That he can't do. But he is very capable of being a first-rate jackass.

Elena

I need to know the truth. When you broke Jeremy’s neck, did you know that he was wearing the ring?

Damon

...No. No, I didn't. Katherine really pissed me off and I snapped, and...I got lucky with the ring. I don’t know what I would done of he wasn't wearing it. Elena, I’m sorry

Elena

Thank you for being honest with me. And the answer to your question, about our friendship, is yes. You have lost me forever.

Damon

You knew that already, didn't you? You used me today.

Elena

You had information about Katherine that I needed to know.

Damon

I thought "friends don’t manipulate friends." (pauses) You and Katherine have a lot more in common than just your looks.

Elena

What do you want?

Damon

So this is where you spend your time when you're not stabbing people in the back.

Elena

I tricked you into telling me the truth. That's not stabbing you in the back. That's using your own tactics against you. (gets up to leave)

Damon

Where are you going?

Elena

I made myself clear, Damon. I want nothing to do with you.

Mason

We haven't met. Mason Lockwood.

Damon

Oh, sure, hey. Damon Salvatore.

Mason

I know. I've heard great things about you.

Damon

Really? That's weird. 'Cause I'm a dick.