Damon Salvatore quotes from The Vampire Diaries

Stefan

I remember them from 1864. They were in the tomb.

Damon

Yeah, about that...

Damon

I say we go to Pearl's and bust down the door and annihilate the idiot that attacked us last night.

Stefan

And then what? We turn to the rest of the house of vampires and say, 'Oops, sorry.'?

Elena

I can't believe you made a deal with her!

Damon

It was more like a helpful exchange of information. It's not like I had a choice. She's... scary. Besides, she's gonna help me get Katherine back.

Elena

Of course she is. Damon gets what he wants, as usual, no matter who he hurts in the process.

Damon

Well, you don't have to be snarky about it.

Elena

I woke up this morning to learn that all the vampires have been released from the tomb. I've earned snarky.

Damon

Ah... How long are you going to blame me for turning your birth mother in to a vampire?

Elena

I'm not blaming you, Damon. I've accepted the fact that you're a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities.

Damon

Ouch.

Stefan

This isn't being very productive. We're gonna figure out a way to deal with Pearl and the vampires, yeah?

Elena

I'm sorry. He just makes me so cranky.

Stefan

I know...he makes everybody cranky.

Elena

So... What are we gonna do?

Stefan

Damon and I are gonna handle everything. I promise.

Elena

Well...what about me? I can't just sit here and do nothing.

Stefan

That's exactly what you're gonna do because that's what's gonna keep you safe.

Elena

Which means nothing if you're not safe too.

Stefan

What do you mean? I'm perfectly safe. I have Damon, the self-serving psychopath on my side.

Elena

That's comforting.

Damon

Hunting party?

Stefan

That guy did a number on me last night when he stabbed me. I've got to get my strength back up.

Damon

I have two liters of soccer mom in the fridge. (Stefan doesn't respond) No?

Stefan

We'll talk when I get back.

Damon

Alright... Give my regards to the squirrels.

Damon

You're ignoring me.

Elena

The six missed calls? Sorry. My phone's dead.

Damon

Is Stefan here?

Elena

No. Why? Is something wrong?

Damon

He went out in to the woods and didn't come back. I can't get him on his phone. I figured he was here with you.

Elena

(calls Stefan) It's going straight to voicemail. Where could he be?

Damon

You're not gonna like what I'm thinking.

Damon

Pearl, open this door or I swear I'll bust through and rip your head off.

Frederick

Pearl's not home. Mmm... Beautiful weather. Not a ray of sun in the sky.

Damon

Where's my brother?

Frederick

Billy? (Billy and another vampire drag Stefan into the room)

Damon

You are dead.

Frederick

I'm sorry you haven't been invited in. Miss Gibbons?

Yes, Frederick, honey?

Frederick

Never let this bad man in.

I'll never let him in.

Frederick

One hundred forty-five years left starving in a tomb, thanks to Katherine's infatuation with you and your brother. First few weeks every single nerve in your body screams with fire... kind of pain that can drive a person mad. Well, I thought your brother might want to get a taste of that before I killed him. Billy! (Billy stakes Stefan in the abdomen; Stefan falls to his knees in pain)

Damon

Well, don't you look alive?

Alaric

You can't hurt me.

Damon

Oh, I can hurt you, alright.

Elena

Mr. Saltzman, we need your help. Stefan's in the house; Damon's a vampire, he can't get in. We need you. I would go, but...

Damon

But your life is valuable. Yours, on the other hand, is...

Elena

Stefan told me about your ring.

Alaric

What about it?

Damon

Let me re-cap: You tried to kill me, I defended myself, you died, and - according to my brother - your ring brought you back to life. Am I leaving anything out?

Alaric

Yeah... The part where I try and kill you again, only this time I don't miss.

Elena

Mr. Saltzman... Please. It's Stefan.

Alaric

I'm sorry, Elena. It's not my problem.

Damon

That's a shame, 'cause the woman in charge of the crowd can help you find your wife.

Alaric

You're lying.

Damon

Am I? Why don't you ask her for yourself? (Alaric doesn't respond) Coward. Come on, Elena.

Alaric

All right. Wait. I'll go.

Damon

Teacher by day, vampire hunter by night.

Alaric

I have you to thank for that.

Damon

Oh, I understand. He's the reason you live. His love 'lifts you up where you belong.' I get it.

Elena

Can you just not joke around for two seconds?

Damon

Miss Gibbons, now tell me the truth. Are you married?

No.

Damon

Parents? Children? Anyone else who lives on this property?

No, it's just me.

Damon

No? Good. (Damon snaps Miss Gibbon's neck)

Alaric

You were supposed to compel her!

Damon

It doesn't work that way.

Alaric

She's human.

Damon

And I'm not, so I don't care! Now get out of here... and get rid of the body.

Damon

How many of those vervain darts do you have left?

Alaric

One.

Damon

Not gonna be enough.

Alaric

What you said to get me to do this, about my wife, was a lie, wasn't it?

Damon

Yep.

Damon

Me? Your merry little band of vampires spent the day torturing my brother.

Pearl

Trust me. The parties responsible for this will be dealt with.

Damon

Our little arrangement doesn't work unless you learn to control them.

Pearl

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Damon

Well, it did. If I had a good side... not a way to get on it.

Damon

(shouting to be heard above the music) Could you turn it up a little bit? It's not annoying yet.

Stefan

Sorry.

Damon

When are you going back to school?

Stefan

Soon.

Damon

Oh, come on.(offers him glass of blood) Just drink, already. Come on. This self-detox is unnatural.

Stefan

Could you get that away from me, please?

Damon

How long did it take you to wean yourself off of it after you last "indulged"? (Stefan doesn't answer) That's not good.

Stefan

I'll be fine. It just takes a little bit of time.

Damon

I don't get it. You know you don't have to kill to survive. That's what blood banks are for. I haven't hunted a human in...God, way too long.

Stefan

Oh, I'm impressed.

Damon

It's completely self-serving - trying to get the town off the trail of vampires. Which is not very easy, considering there's an entire tomb of them running around.

Stefan

What are we planning on doing about that?

Damon

You're not gonna be doing much of anything if you don't have your strength. There's nothing wrong with partaking in a healthy diet of human blood from a blood bank. You're not actually killing anyone.

Stefan

I have my reasons.

Damon

Well, what are those holier than thou reasons, because, you know, we've never actually discussed that. You know, I'd love to hear this story.

Stefan

You're really enjoying this, aren't you? Just watching me struggle.

Damon

Very much so.

Stefan

I hate to break it to you, Damon, but I actually have it under complete control.

Damon

You do? Oh, well, then you should just carry on making the rest of us vampires look bad. Have a great day, Stef. (leaves the room, leaving his glass of blood on a side table; returns a moment later.) Oh, hey, almost forgot something. Oops.

Damon

He's a Gilbert?

Sheriff Forbes

Elena's uncle. His name is John, but I call him jackass.

Elena

Oh good, you're here.

Damon

You ask, I come. I'm easy like that.

Elena

Shh! (nods to her brother, who is oblivious to their conversation; points to the stairs)

Damon

(dramatically and loudly) No, Elena! I will not go to your bedroom with you! (chuckles as she drags him to the stairs)

Damon

(entering Elena's bedroom) Ah... Just like I remember.

Elena

Stop messing around.