[The Tick, looking at a girlie magazine, bursts out laughing.]
Well, that poor fella's got bosoms!
Pilot
Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld. Written by Ben Edlund.
The life of a superhero is a lonely one, filled with hardship and danger. The few who answer the call must leave comfort, safety, and often sanity behind. But someone's gotta stand the heat and stay in the kitchen. Someone's gotta don the oven mitts of all that's right and strangle the red-hot throat of all that's wrong. This is that someone's story.
...
He stands in silence — stoic, godlike — the mysterious blue avenger who has become legend to the simple folk of this bus station. But glory will not distract him from his vigil.
...
(A vending machine has taken a commuter's money and failed to deliver a cup of coffee)"
Stand back, citizen! So, vending menace, we meet again. (to commuter, while flipping coin return lever) Did ya jiggle the thingie? (he heaves machine off the ground, shaking it and pounding it against the wall) Armless bandit! Empty your bladder of that bitter black urine men call coffee! It has its price and that price has been paid! (he slams machine back onto the ground; it delivers a cup of coffee) Java devil, you are now my bitch. Well, here you are, weary traveler, one steaming hot cup of justice. No need to thank me, it's my sworn duty to defend this bus station from the ravages of evil.
...
Well, Destiny honks the horn of Gotta Go. To the City!
BSBus station manager
Who was that blue stranger?
He was — the Tick!
(Arthur is in an office, working, in his superhero suit; his boss sits beside Arthur's desk and clears his throat.)
Mister-Mister Fishladder!
FMr. Fishladder
Arthur... it is still "Arthur", isn't it? Arthur, my time is worth seventeen dollars a second. I want an explanation, and I want it to cost less than fifteen hundred dollars. Go!
Oh. Uh, well, it's a little hard to explain —
FFishladder
Fifty-one dollars.
Mr. Fishladder, I have been living a lie. I am more than just a mild-mannered accountant. Now, I do good work for this firm and I value my job. It's just... my entire life has become nothing but numbers and deductions and IRA's.
FFishladder
Two hundred fifty-five dollars.
Granted, I have been doing my parents' tax returns since I was six — but even then I knew I had a higher calling. I can't hide from it any longer. I —
FFishladder
Don't say it!
I am going to become a superhero! You know... part-time, at first...
FFishladder
Christ in heaven, look at yourself! You're built like a sensible shoe! You shouldn't be jumping around in a body-sock fighting crime!
Well, I haven't actually fought any crime yet.
FFishladder
Good! Keep it that way! Crime fights back! Remember the lesson of Metcalf.
Metcalf?
FFishladder
METCALF! Head of Shipping and Receiving, third floor. Metcalf! He lost all his game pieces just like you, cashed in his 401k, and bought a jetpack. Now the poor bastard needs a machine — to POOP!
Mr. Fishladder, I know that sort of thing can happen, but —
FFishladder
But you're gonna ride this thing out to the bloody, gruesome end, aren't you?
Well, maybe not all the way to the end but... you know, for a while. Mr. Fishladder, I have to try.
FFishladder
Time's up. Here's the way I see it: you're either a man with a job or an idiot in a bunny suit. You can't be both - not at Worldwide Fishladder & Sons. So what's it gonna be, huh?
...
They may call us an accountant, but we can't deny our true nature... even if all our friends and relatives tell us we're good at math. The hero's life - our destiny!
PBPanda Bartender
[About Arthur trying to fly] I think he going to fall down a lot and die.
I'm working on having him deported.
She fears the demons I have awoken in her... womanly places.
I'm not moth-man, I'm not a superhero... I'm not even an accountant anymore! I'm just Arthur.
Arthur, listen to me carefully. I believe in you! I always have! That's why I'm here. Destiny dressed you this morning my friend, and now Fear is trying to pull off your pants. If you give up, if you give in, you're gonna end up naked with Fear just standing there laughing at your dangling unmentionables!
JCJimmy Carter
Help! Circus freaks! Help! Help! Men in wrestling outfits!
Yes, it's too late, we've learned that Communism does not pay. So, don't have a snappy Soviet comeback for that one, do we? (to the Red Scare)
...
Gravity... is a harsh mistress.
...and that's how we defeated our first supervillain, and how Arthur learned to fly, and how we gave Jimmy Carter a mild concussion.
We saved an ex-president!
Yet the evening's greatest victory is the partnership forged between this heroic duo! Friends to the end — bonded together by the Krazy-Glue of justice! Til death to they part!
Fight fire with Arthur!
Arthur, Interrupted
Directed by Dean Parsot. Written by Richard Lehmann-Smith.
You haven't told your mother that you're... super?
We mustn't let our guard down chum, we've got a devilishly clever commode here, he's already taken the bathtub as an ally in his porcelain war against us.
[The Tick meets Arthur's mother and sister.]
So you're the mother. What a pleasure it is to shake hands with the womb that spilled Arthur into the world. And let's not forget the womb-mate, Dot! Arthur's words do no justice to your nervous, white-knuckled beauty.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Tick (live-action) pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.