That used to be a decent little corner-shop, which sold string. Any day now, I expect to find my chocolate frog replaced by caramel private parts. Or a strawberry-flavoured lesbian.
S2Court in the Act
Fowler attempts to prepare Goody for the tactics of an aggressive defence counsel
You're lying, Constable! The evidence you have presented to support your case is so contemptibly slight and circumstantial, one is forced to think it may be no more than a tissue of lies. A corrupt concoction. Well? WELL?!
[Goody looks at Fowler, and bursts out crying]
Goody, you are supposed to fix me with a steady manly stare, not snivel like a Frenchman who's caught his baguette in his bicycle spokes.
(tearfully) I can't help it, sir. You're being so mean!
Look, this is an exercise. Do you know what an exercise is?
It's a running-jumping sort of thing.
S2Ism Ism Ism
Which came first: the chicken, or the egg?
I know, I know!
Do you, Goody? Then what is the answer?
Because it wanted to get to the other side.
Grim does not like culture
Bleeding ballet an' opera. Especially when they spend lottery money on it; wasting the working man's bet on fat screeching old bags from Italy singing like they've got piles. Or some bunch of scrawny bints in tutus called Darcy and Tilda flashing their gussets at a lot of horny perverts. Art? Culture? Staring at posh bird's knickers, that's all Swan bleeding Lake boils down to! They should use all the money for kids with incurable diseases. When me and my Tina buy our lottery ticket, out of the goodness of our hearts...
And in the hope of winning twenty million pounds.
Yes, and we want to know that, by winning twenty million pounds, we will be helping little kiddies, NOT haughty, hoity, stick it up your toity, high and mighty, tight-nosed, toffee-arsed, sun-dried-tomato-eating lah-de-dah-dy lah-de-daas.
Fowler is giving a PSA about political correctness and Grim disagrees
What 'ism' ever robbed a bank? What 'ism' ever mugged anybody? What 'ism' ever put a gun to somebody's head?
BBoyle
Terrorism?
Yeah, alright. What 'ism' ever threatened the security of the state?
BBoyle
Marxism?
What 'ism' ever hurt anybody?
BBoyle
Sadism.
Boyle! D'you think they'd do a uniform your size?
S2Fly on the Wall
I suppose all mothers think their kids are beautiful, but the interesting thing is, Sir, I actually was. A GORGEOUS little fella. Big eyes, big smile, chubby little cheeks and the purest of pure soprano voices. I could curdle milk while it was still in the cow, Sir. Anyway, one day, Radio Trinidad advertised for a boy soprano. It was my big chance, Sir. The whole street turned out to watch me get on the bus. "Young Frank Gladstone going to be a star," they said, and I would have been but for two things.
What were they?
My testicles sir. They dropped on the way to the auditions sir. I still believe if that road had been tarmacked I would have got away with it. I was going to sing "O For the Wings of a Dove"; I had to give them "Old Man River" instead.
[Goody is on the radio at a stake-out, talking nervously whilst being filmed for a BBC documentary]
Right. Standing to one side now. Purpose: to avoid scaring silly old sod to death if not pop-clogs already. [gets flustered] Tango... er, Gemma. Angels one-five, bandits at six o'clock - dive, dive, dive!
(on the radio) Shut up, Goody!
S2Alternative Culture
When I was an adolescent, my idea of a major sensory stimulant was sucking on a fisherman's friend.
The problem with old copper tricks, Constable Boyle, is that old coppers know 'em.
S2Come on You Blues
Men! Tiny-brained, sexually-frustrated, emotionally retarded, inadequate, puerile, juvenile, drooling, leering, sneering, pointless bloody men!
Could be half the blokes I know.
[telling Fowler that the domineering mayoress, Dame Cristabelle, has arrived] The world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk.
Gloria Hunniford!
[The force is practicing in anticipation of a riot at the football game]
We wish to subdue the hooligan before he becomes violent. We can achieve this by setting up a rhythmic beating on our shields, such as to strike terror into the hearts of the enemy, as once did the Zulus - an adversary the British Army truly appreciated.
I'm not surprised - the Zulus had rhythmic beating, the British had field artillery. I bet they appreciated it!
All right, Habib. Just because something is morally inexcusable does not stop it being a cherished part of the national fabric. Look at the Walnut Whip.
[After practicing beating their riot shields to the tune of pat-a-cake]
Well done everybody, that should scare the socks off them!
And after we've subdued them with pat-a-cake pat-a-cake we should give them a chorus of Baa-Baa Black Sheep. That will really make them fill their trousers!
Do you think we need to toughen up our chants?
Either that or hire ourselves out for children's parties.
S2Road Rage
CCarlton
(After Patricia hits him with a log) So you finally bonked me, babe. Knew you would.
CCartlon
Whose is the Nissan Micra in the car park?
Who are you?
CCarlton
Carlton, MI5.
Oh it's mine, as it happens. Grim, CID. It's a lovely motor, don't you think? D'you fancy a spin?
CCartlon
You dinged my Aston.
Do you drive an Aston Martin?
CCarlton
A DINGED Aston Martin, dinged by you.
You dinged me.
CCarlton
I did not! You dinged me!
No way, mate! You dinged me!
CCarlton
Learn to drive, why don't you?
You learn to drive.
CCarlton
GET SOME GLASSES!
GET...A HEARING AID!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Thin Blue Line pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.