Gladstone quotes from The Thin Blue Line

Gladstone

When I was a boy scout back in Trinidad, they taught us how to light a fire with a stick and a piece of string... I could never understand why, because I found it a lot easier to use matches.

Gladstone

I was captain of a pub-quiz side once, sir.

Fowler

Were you really?

Gladstone

Oh yes! I remember telling the lads before our first match, "Memory and detail; let those be our by-words. Memory, memory, memory, detail, detail, detail!"

Fowler

Well, excellent advice, Gladstone. And how did your team fare?

Gladstone

I don't know; I forgot where the pub was.

Goody

Dead sexy, knickers and a bra. I was that embarrassed buying them, I had to say they were for me.

There's only one set of underwear a girl wants at Christmas: yours. You hitch up your boxers and say "There's the wrapping, doll. The present's inside!" (laughs and leaves)

Goody

I think I'm gonna be sick...

Gladstone

Oh it's alright, son. You know fellas that talk about it most do it least. I know. I talk about it all the time. And I haven't had any since the days of Harold Wilson.

Goody

I never knew you were in a gay relationship!

Gladstone

What are you talking about?

Goody

This bloke Harold Wilson that you were having it with.

Gladstone

Kevin, he was the Prime Minister!

Goody

Blimey! And you an ordinary copper! You did do well.

Gladstone

I suppose all mothers think their kids are beautiful, but the interesting thing is, Sir, I actually was. A GORGEOUS little fella. Big eyes, big smile, chubby little cheeks and the purest of pure soprano voices. I could curdle milk while it was still in the cow, Sir. Anyway, one day, Radio Trinidad advertised for a boy soprano. It was my big chance, Sir. The whole street turned out to watch me get on the bus. "Young Frank Gladstone going to be a star," they said, and I would have been but for two things.

Fowler

What were they?

Gladstone

My testicles sir. They dropped on the way to the auditions sir. I still believe if that road had been tarmacked I would have got away with it. I was going to sing "O For the Wings of a Dove"; I had to give them "Old Man River" instead.

[telling Fowler that the domineering mayoress, Dame Cristabelle, has arrived] The world's finest example of womanhood is at the front desk.

Gladstone

Gloria Hunniford!

Goody

Oh, wouldn't that be nice! I love a wedding! Except for the bit where the vicar asks if anyone has any objections. Makes me so tense. I always think, "God, I hope I don't say something!" Because you easily could, couldn't you? You know, if you suddenly went mad or something.

Gladstone

You know, I did object at a wedding once.

Goody

You didn't!

Gladstone

Oh yes. I said, "The groom is a drinker and a philanderer."

Goody

OH NO! What did the groom say?

Gladstone

I just told you. It was the only way at the time that I could think of getting out of it!

Goody

So she turned you down. Like an old duvet.

Fowler

I was so sure of my ground. It must have been something about the way I proposed to her.

Gladstone

It can't be any worse than when I did it. It took ten bottles of Guinness to get my courage up.

Goody

Do you go down on one knee?

Gladstone

I went down on all fours.