TV show quotes
Eh, miss, I think there are harder things than being Jewish. Like being black.
Ehm, did black people have the Holocaust?
No, but we did have 400 years of slavery.
Oh. I'm so sorry you guys had to like, uh, have great singing voices and really catchy songs, while we got…oh yeah! Murder Showers!
Ok, so what you're saying is because of our singing we suffered less than the Jews?
[pause] …Yes.
What are you guys talking about?
The anti-discrimination bill...for gay people.
Yeah, so like now if someone tries to light you on fire or chop off your penis or something, they go to jail, instead of like getting a trophy. I think it's good.
I hate when you leave, but I love watchin' you go.
Ew, Sarah that's gross
And then she speaks.
Sooo, God seems nice.
He's so nice.
Ohhh...
He's so tender. Like, earlier this afternoon I had the worst diarrhea and he acted like he didn't hear anything...
Oh...
... you know. No jokes, no teases. Listen to me, I'm...I sound so adult.
Wow, Doug. What a crazy day. I learned that God has created great things like rainbows and baby bell cheese, but he also created some failures like the genocide in Darfur or the last season of 24. Hey, that rhymes. But one thing's for sure, I know now that God truly is omnipresent because his balls smell like they've been everywhere. Goodnight Dougy; I'm all you've got in the world.
I heard from the Robertsons that their maid has been stealing from them.
That's the problem with illegal immigrants; they come here to steal from us.
Look here old lady. God did not create illegal immigrants for us to insult, he created them for us to enjoy. Now, my maid cleans my entire apartment for almost nothing and she does it with a smile on her face. Or something on her...well I don't know what a frown looks like in Spanish.
You're just young and uniformed. Illegal immigrants bring crime and perversion and disease into this country.
Madame you sicken me and if there was an N-word for old women who play tennis I would use it on you but good.
Well, Doug, it was an unforgettable day. I mean, my maid became the Mayor of Mexico, but then she realized that politics are boring and they pay really crappy and that for her it's just more pleasant to clean the pubes out of my bathtub drain. Hmmm, I guess it's true what they say, Doug; politics do make strange bedfellows. But Dora makes my bed, fellow!
Fat free Nifty chips, toilet paper and diarrhea medicine, it's like isle 1b is a museum of my day.
Brian, your name is brain if you switch the two middle letters.
I know, I've been high before.
Ms. Silverman the nation of Mongolia is demanding 100 million dollars. What are you seeking in your counter-suit?
Well, I'm certainly not asking for 100 million freaking dollars. Uh, I really just want an apology and uh, for them to change Mongolian beef to sexual predator beef. I also wouldn't mind my face on their dollar, but that's more of, like a bargaining chip.
What do you have to say to those people who may view your demands as weird?
Well, there was once a people who demanded 40 acres and a mule so I guess we're all kind of weird.
[eating cotton candy] Mmm, I love having dinner for breakfast.
Let's go to brunch. I have a hunger only food can cure.
I almost stopped the first 9/11. Everything was in place, but I had diarrhea.
I mean that's why all the best TV shows are about hospitals or cops.
Well, um, that's funny cause Lost isn't a hospital or a cop.
These are words we all say every single day. Squeak a Henry. Talk to the hand. Chillax. Ozay. What's that? You've never heard of "ozay"? Huh. Maybe it's because I just made it up. Congratulations everybody. You are witness to history in the making today. Because "ozay" is going to be greatest thing since saying "the greatest thing since sliced bread". She said that to you? Ozay! How much did that cost? O-zay! The waitress forgot to bring your bacon? Ozay!
[Steve adjusts his glasses while holding a pen, making a dot on the tip of his nose]
I have a new word, too. "Dotnose".
What does that mean?
Oh, you know, it's when something's super obvious. It's just dotnose.
I don't un— [notices dot on Steve's nose] oh, oh, like when something's written all over your face, it's a total dotnose situation.
That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Careful, Steve, you're being a real dotnose.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Sarah Silverman Program. pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
