The Sarah Silverman Program. quotes

Officer Jay

M'am do you know why I'm standing here?

Sarah

You got all C's in high school?

Sarah

I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that orange cough syrup can make your car fly. And I learned that Laura needs a man in her life to feel good about herself. It's sad. Also I learned, whether you're gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know? Because, at the end of the day they're both gross. But mostly I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years. But that younger black women are prostitutes. [long pause] Good night?

I don't mean to bother you, but, eh, do you think I could get some food?

Sarah

I thought this might happen…Fred if I feed you then you're just gonna learn that food is just this 'free thing' that you don't have to earn. And in a way it's gonna make you homeless-er.

Sarah

[to her dog, Doug] I learned that gay guys love karate. But they are so unpredictable, like for when they're going to use it. And I also learned that if you open your heart and help people...they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death. Hm. And it's sad.

Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the 80s?

Sarah

Yeah.

[surprised] You did? You had a blood transfusion in the 80s?

Sarah

Oh! [laughs] No, I thought you said, "in Haiti"

How long were you in Haiti?

Sarah

Uh...I don't know. That's kinda hard to say I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.

Sarah

I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that I should look before I leap. And I learned that...that for some reason people bring tomatoes to AIDS rallies, which is weird. But most of all I learned that...prejudice is ugly. It's wrong to judge people based on whether or not they have AIDS. I mean, you don't have AIDS and I love you just are much as if you did. More even. At any rate, I did get rid of my blahs. Good night Doug.

Brian

You called earlier?

Sarah

Yeah, I want you to come over and do some queer stuff to my daughter.

Brian

Excuse me?

Sarah

Ya know, I mean she needs a whole makeover. I need you guys to come over and do a whole montage on her. Maker her look fabulous and stuff.

Brian

Sarah, being gay doesn't make you genetically able to do makeovers. Besides, do Steve and I seem at all fashionable to you?

Sarah

No! You guys look horrible! I thought it was just like…ya know the shoemakers son has bare feet kinda thing.

Sarah

Let me tell you a little story about a time when I gave up. About 10 years ago I got pregnant and everyone around me wanted me to give up and have the baby, and for about 8 1/2 months I listened to them. Until finally I worked up the courage to walk into that hospital and say get this thing out of me. And let me tell you something, having an abortion is one of the hardest things anyone could ever do. It took hours. I had to physically push the fetus out of me, and when it came out it was crying and covered in this like gucky stuff. I didn't have the money to pay so I crawled out the window and I went home and watched In Living Color, cause that's what was funny back then. Heather you have a choice, you can walk away and give birth to a failure that will haunt you for the rest of your life. Or you can go out there and have the abortion of your dreams. So what's it going to be?

Jay

Yeah, so my partner got suspended because this Hispanic kid pulls a gun on him, Paul opens fire. Turns out it's a pellet gun. It looked really real, though.

Laura

There should be a law that those things have to come in bright colors.

Sarah

Laura, they're human beings!

Sarah

I don't know where to start with this one, Doug. I mean, I-I've failed at heterosexuality. I've failed at homosexuality. I guess I have to stop thinking that the right person's just going to come along, you know? I have to be the right person. I have to come along. I'm a me-mosexual. Yea, anyway. Good-night Douggie. I hope you die in your sleep tonight. Nah, I'm just kidding. But if it had to be one of us, I hope it's you.

Sarah

I wish every child had a mother / That's what I wish

Hello, Sarah.

So, Natalie, I was really, really sorry to hear about your dad.

Sarah

What happened?

My dad was just diagnosed with liver cancer.

Sarah

Oh my God, that's so bizarre. You guys, my remote needs batteries. Everybody be careful, these things happen in threes.

Brian

Why don't you just go to Fan-Tasti-Mart and buy new batteries?

Sarah

Why doesn't Natalie just go to Fantasta-Mart and buy her father alive again, Brian?

He's alive, he's just sick.

Sarah

Natalie, please!

Sarah

Hello, my name is Sarah Silverman and I live at 227 Waverly Place Apt. 6D. And I'm here to inform you that I pose a danger to your pets.

A danger? In what way?

Sarah

S-sexually.

Excuse me?

Sarah

Please let your family know that if they see this woman within fifty feet of an animal to notify the authorities immediately.

This is weird…and I'm gonna shut the door.

Sarah

OK.

Sarah

Ladies and Gentlemen, I appeal to you to think of the first man to ever drink milk from the teat of a cow. I bet he got a lot of flak too, but look at him now, he's a genius isn't he? Now I didn't drink from my dog's anus, but who's to say that I couldn't have found the next milk. The next milk could have been in my dog's anus. It turns out it wasn't. If there's an opposite of milk though, I think I may have found that. I challenge you, each and every one of you to go out there and find the next milk. Whether it be in a cat's ear or a dolphins blowhole or a monster's nose. But if you think it's wrong, if you think the curious should be condemned, well I'm afraid we'll never find the next milk, and that's sad.

Sarah

I'm a victim of a hate crime!

Jay

What?

Sarah

It's true. The country club would not let me play tennis because I'm Jewish. She's like what's your name, Silverman? And she's like GET OUT - JEW.

Laura

She said that?

Sarah

Yeah, basically. With her eyes. It's like I'm a second class citizen. There's nothing harder than being Jewish in the entire world.