Everyone’s gonna close their eyes including me, and the person who couldn’t keep their mouth shut is gonna raise their hand. That wouldn’t work. That doesn’t make any sense.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I sit down with her...
No.
I tell her exactly what happened...
(stretched out and kind of singsong) Noohoohoo.
And I appeal...
To what?
To her God given humanity.
God didn't give her humanity. That's why she's a gossip columnist.
God gave us all humanity.
Let's look at the tape of people boo-ing a guy while he was in the middle of saving their lives.
I have no explanation for that.
The blog isn’t accomplishing what it should. And even though I can’t tell you specifically what to change, I want a complete overhaul.
I see, you’re doing a topical satire of OWS.
Well, I’m not willing to say exactly what I’m doing, because I don’t want it corrupted by the media.
I'm Dutch.
Well, then fuck you!
Hey, how was your weekend?
It was good. It was good and then I saw Titanic for the first time.
You'd never seen it before?
You know how I am about sad movies and the title suggested it wasn't gonna end well. But I still didn't see it coming. Mac, what is more important than the people you-- Kodak is dropping like a sack of flour. I'll never let go, Kodak. I'll never let go.
JJim
It's been six months. You're unpredictable and moody. You're unpleasant and volatile and begging for a fight.
All that's on my Match.com profile.
[Don, upon discovering a joke he made with a Republican about a potential Solicitor-General applicant has been written up by the conservative website WorldNetDaily, and has phoned David Munch, the Senior Editor of WND to persuade him to run a retraction, while Sloan Sabbith listens in]
I was being hyperbolic.
DMDavid Munch
Yup?
I didn't think there was any way it could be taken seriously.
DDavid
Yeah, I can see that, but the thing is that we got it from multiple sources.
David, come on. You gotta take it down and run a retraction.
DDavid
I appreciate you clarifying your role, but like I said, you weren't the only one...
I was the only source, come on now.
DDavid
I don't think I appreciate being woken up and called a liar.
[referring to David's British accent] It's 8.45. Where do you live.
DDavid
Let's say goodnight, Don.
My friend, I get that this story is pushing traffic...
DDavid
That's nothing -
... But Weingarten didn't do anything except become a lawyer, so...
DDavid
[irritably] I'll tell you for the third time. We have multiple sources telling us...
... That he spoke to the Righteous Daughters of Jihadi Excellence.
DDavid
It turns out your joke was right on the money.
[Don looks at Sloan in disbelief and then explodes into the phone]
I MADE UP THE FUCKING NAME, DAVID! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE RIGHTEOUS DAUGHTERS OF THE - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? [pauses to calm down] Did you search it?
DDavid
I just did. There are seventeen entries.
That's because of your story, fat-ass!
DDavid
Mr. Keefer, I think you're extremely - !
[Sloan hangs up the phone for Don]
SPShep Pressman
They've got a huge crazy problem, Charlie. Black and white can live together. Christian and Muslim. But you can't have most of the world living in the 21st century and the rest living in the eighth century. Unless they're willing to limit themselves to eighth century weapons. They've got a big fucking crazy problem which simply is not addressed in Common Article I of the Geneva Conventions.
Well, I guess it's just us now.
GSGeneral Stomtonovich
What are you doing in my garbage cans?
We ran over them with our rental car.
We're just gonna get this cleaned up.
GSGeneral Stomtonovich
Were you texting?
No, sir. It was regular negligence.
JJim
Listen to me, I'd like dinner to last 10 to 15 minutes.
You don't like to linger.
JJim
I'm doing my lingering somewhere else tonight, so we're not ordering anything that takes a long time to prepare. We're not ordering anything well-done. We're not ordering anything cooked. It's okay with me if we don't order anything.
It's not going to be okay with the restaurant.
JJim
Screw the restaurant, Neal. The restaurant hasn't not seen his girlfriend in a month. The restaurant's girlfriend isn't wearing cocktail attire.
Are you religious?
In my way.
Me, too. I think the way you know you've broken one of God's rules is if you can't put it back together again.
We had a story that the US used sarin gas on a village in Pakistan and we went. Anybody would have. Most people would have gone months earlier. To not go would have been to participate in the biggest cover-up since--These were war crimes. It was a Sunday special report. Neilson tracking showed it was gonna be a monster audience--Three and a half, four million. It ended up closer to six. By 10:05, I knew we had a problem. None of it was true.
He says he never said they used sarin.
It's on film.
He says he never said that.
It's on film.
I knew this would happen.
It happens all the time. These guys get cold feet or someone at the DOD begs them to recant.
What's he saying we did?
Edited him out of context.
Did you tell him we have the raw footage?
Yea.
Raw footage isn't edited out of context. It isn't edited at all.
I told him that.
What did he say?
He said he was gonna kill me.
Did he say it the way Mac says it to me or did it seem like he meant it?
I mean it when I say it to you.
He was very upset.
Tell him I'm gonna go right now to look at the raw interview again and that he can look at it with me if he wants.
All right.
We knew things were gonna happen.
Yeah. [stepping out the door] Chemical weapons expert wants to kill me. I make the worst enemies. Seriously, I'm a perfectly nice guy.
This is the very last polling data taken before the polls open tomorrow.
Who's gonna win?
The president will be reelected. But Tulsi Gabbard's gonna win in Hawaii's second. She'll be the first Samoan in Congress. And Kerry Bentivolio is gonna take the seat vacated by Thaddeus McCotter, who came out with my pick for the best resignation statement of all time. "The recent event's totalities of calumnies, indignities and deceits have weighed most heavily upon my family. Thus, acutely aware one cannot rebuild their hearth among the ruins of their US House office, for the sake of my loved ones, I must strike another match, go start anew by embracing the promotion back from public servant to sovereign citizen." Sounds like he and his friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are about to take a journey by sea to ask the Duke of Verona for his most kind blessing.
I like you, Keefer.
My trust in Maggie has nothing to do with anything but the right things.
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