Don Keefer quotes from The Newsroom

Don

What I have can't be taught.

Reese

Every second you're not current a thousand people are changing the channel to the guy who is. That's the business you're in. MSNBC, FOX and CNN all say she's dead. Don, tell him. Don!

Don

It's a person. A doctor pronounces her dead, not the news.

And we're back in 3...2... ...

Will

[after a few moments] Here's what we know so far:

Will

Mac, get in here with Charlie right now.

Mac

Is everything-

Will

Right now! [points to Charlie as he enters] You tell Leona that if she wants me out of this chair, she better bring more than just a couple of guys.

Charlie

That's exactly what I'll fucking tell her!

Will

I'm not fucking around, Charlie!!!

Charlie

Feet of fucking steel!

Will

Mac-

Mac

I'm sorry.

Will

It's not your fault.

Mac

I fucked everything up!

Will

It's gonna be all right.

Don

[entering the room] What the fuck is going on?!

Will

You're a fucking newsman, Don! I ever tell you otherwise, you punch me in the face!!!

Don

[considers this for a moment] Okay, but you're back in 30.

Maggie

It's just a very bad day.

It's Valentine's Day. It's my favorite day.

Maggie

Then pick another day! Because it's every guy's least favorite day. Everyone's always disappointed. Valentine's Day is the bully of holidays. It forces love on people who aren't in love. Cupid's freakish.

All right.

Maggie

No, I'm boycotting Valentine's Day from now on. Who's with me?!

Don

[holding flowers for Maggie hands them to a random guy] I love you every day. Today's just an excuse to spend a night in a hotel room.

Don

Your copy will be written for you to approve. You've got Marco Rubio, Sandra Bernhard...

Sloan

Sandra Bernhard's been dead for 100 years!

Don

That's Sarah Bernhardt.

Sloan

She'd be a good guest.

Don

...I hate my life.

Don

Yeah, get the captain, 'cause I'd like to have a word with him. The seat belt while we're standing still is one thing, but how paranoid do you have to be to think that I'm declaring myself in charge of the-

Is there a problem, sir?

Don

Yeah, I was asking how paranoid you have to- [suddenly falters] you have to be-

Sir? Sir?

Don

Captain, my name is Don Keefer. That's Elliot Hirsch and that's Sloan Sabbith. We work for Atlantis Cable News. And we wanted you and your first officer and Flight Attendant Crazy Lady to be the first ones on this plane to know that our armed forces killed Osama bin Laden for you tonight.

You're serious?

Don

Yes, sir.

Will

[in the mock debate] Senator Santorum, you said that your campaign is about freedom and that 20 years from now you don't want to be telling your grandchildren how America once was free. Name three freedoms you had the day before President Obama was sworn in that you don't have now.

Don

[as Santorum] Obamacare, to begin with. Obamacare is the most egregious--

Will

Have you had to change doctors?

Don

[as Santorum] May I finish?

Will

No, sir. Have you had to change doctors?

Don

[as Santorum] No.

Will

Has anyone in your family had to change doctors? Has there been any change at all in health care for you or your family?

Don

[as Santorum] I'm talking about Obamacare now.

Will

My question was name three freedoms that you had the day before the president was sworn in that you don't have now. [to Maggie as Gingrich] Mr. Speaker, you just said that if you're elected, the price of gas will be $2.50 a gallon. How does the US President control the price of oil? [to Martin as Romney] Governor, you've said that as president you will never apologize for America. This question is in two parts. Name an instance in which the president has apologized for America and can you imagine no instance in which a US president should apologize for America?

Maggie

[as Gingrich] Mr. McAvoy, I find it reprehensible that the liberal media would try to pit Republicans against one another. And I, for one, won't stand by while it happens.

Will

This is the Republican primary, Mr. Speaker, and you're running for the nomination. It wasn't my idea to pit you against anyone. It was yours.

[in Will's office] I told you, this guy--

Will

[walking in] This guy what?

Wasn't on the team.

He's on the team, okay?

Will

Hang on. The team I'm on is the voters' and smart, qualified people disagreeing about issues.

Your plan was to embarrass the candidates.

Will

I want candidates who can answer those questions. And if they know they're going to be held responsible for the nonsense they're shouting on the stump, they'll be forced to stop shouting nonsense.

This guy has lost his mind.

He hasn't.

Will

Adam, this is exactly what we always talked about. This is what we dreamed of. We said we need real campaign reform and a way of letting Americans hear the two best competing arguments.

Nobody could stand up to that kind of questioning.

Will

You think that was brutal questioning?

It really wasn't.

And you honestly believe the candidates would submit themselves to this?

They should welcome it.

I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Any candidate who can handle a cross is gonna find himself at the top of the polls in the morning. And we should welcome it 'cause it'll clear out the clown car and give us a serious discussion among serious candidates.

The only person who would welcome it is him. This is about him. He wants to look tough by making the candidates look like idiots.

No, he doesn't. I have known this man for 25 years and I vouch--

I don't care what you vouch for. I am not allowing the goddamn press to make fools out of our candidates.

I'll remember that the next time you bitch about how the press never vetted Obama.

[to Will] We're not agreeing to this format. You are going to abide by the rules that we give you and I don't want Mackenzie McHale producing it for you.

Will

What are you talking about?

I want the old Will McAvoy. Not the thing she turned you into. I know all about that lady.

Will

Get out.

Will, come on. You need the debate. Of course he can use Mackenzie.

Will

These guys have been compromising and compromising all week so we could host a debate that made some sense and did some good.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, because it was all for nothing.

We need ACN.

No, we don't.

They've got the independents.

He's not the only anchor at ACN. [marches out of office] Don Keefer.

Don

Yeah?

How would you and Elliot Hirsch like to have one of the debates?

Don

Eat me.

Mr. Skinner, I'm trying to be as-

Charlie

When Don says, "Eat me," that's usually the end of the conversation.

Sloan Sabbith. You want to be a star?

Sloan

Me?

Yeah.

Sloan

Fuck you.

[To Adam] I hate these guys. I don't know why you don't.

Don

I'm gonna ask her to move in with me.

Sloan

I see. First, let me say you made a very wise decision coming to me with this problem.

Don

It's not a problem.

Sloan

Well, let's see what I can do about that.

Don

How would you want to be asked?

Sloan

To move in with a guy?

Don

Yeah.

Sloan

By having the guy say "Will you marry me?"

Don

Okay, well, let's just take that off the table for the moment.

Sloan

You know, if you're living together, it makes it harder to break up.

Don

Well, that's the idea.

Sloan

You have to get cartons.

Don

You've been no help at all.

Sloan

Since I'm never going to see you again after Friday, I feel like I can tell you something.

Don

We'll see each other.

Sloan

Maybe not after I say what I'm going to say.

Don

And you're not leaving.

Sloan

I don't know who told you you're a bad guy, but somebody did, somebody along the way. Somebody or something convinced you of it because you think you're a bad guy, and you're just not. I'm socially inept, but even I know that. So because you're a bad guy you try to do things you think a good guy would do, like committing to someone you like but maybe don't love. A sweet, smart, wholesome Midwestern girl. I could be wrong. I almost always am.

Don

Why are you single?

Sloan

A lot of men are intimidated by my intelligence.

Don

No, seriously.

Sloan

Because you never asked me out. Caught you off-guard, didn't I?

Don

Yeah, you really did.

Don

I was being hyperbolic.

Yup?

Don

I didn't think there was any way it could be taken seriously.

Yeah, I can see that, but the thing is that we got it from multiple sources.

Don

David, come on. You gotta take it down and run a retraction.

I appreciate you clarifying your role, but like I said, you weren't the only one...

Don

I was the only source, come on now.

I don't think I appreciate being woken up and called a liar.

Don

[referring to David's British accent] It's 8.45. Where do you live.

Let's say goodnight, Don.

Don

My friend, I get that this story is pushing traffic...

That's nothing -

Don

... But Weingarten didn't do anything except become a lawyer, so...

[irritably] I'll tell you for the third time. We have multiple sources telling us...

Don

... That he spoke to the Righteous Daughters of Jihadi Excellence.

It turns out your joke was right on the money.

Don

I MADE UP THE FUCKING NAME, DAVID! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE RIGHTEOUS DAUGHTERS OF THE - WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? [pauses to calm down] Did you search it?

I just did. There are seventeen entries.

Don

That's because of your story, fat-ass!

Mr. Keefer, I think you're extremely - !

Mac

Are you religious?

Don

In my way.

Mac

Me, too. I think the way you know you've broken one of God's rules is if you can't put it back together again.

Don

This is the very last polling data taken before the polls open tomorrow.

Rebecca Halliday

Who's gonna win?

Don

The president will be reelected. But Tulsi Gabbard's gonna win in Hawaii's second. She'll be the first Samoan in Congress. And Kerry Bentivolio is gonna take the seat vacated by Thaddeus McCotter, who came out with my pick for the best resignation statement of all time. "The recent event's totalities of calumnies, indignities and deceits have weighed most heavily upon my family. Thus, acutely aware one cannot rebuild their hearth among the ruins of their US House office, for the sake of my loved ones, I must strike another match, go start anew by embracing the promotion back from public servant to sovereign citizen." Sounds like he and his friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are about to take a journey by sea to ask the Duke of Verona for his most kind blessing.

Rebecca Halliday

I like you, Keefer.

Don

My trust in Maggie has nothing to do with anything but the right things.

Don

I need some kinda sign from you. I need an indication... some kind of indication that you -

Rebecca

What?

Don

You fully understand the stupidity of this?

Rebecca

I do.

Don

Doesn't feel like it.

Rebecca

How would you like me to behave?

Don

It feels to me - I have to say - it feels to me that you think this is nuanced, that you think there are layers that have to be explored.

Rebecca

Why do you say that?

Don

Well, for one thing, there's four lawyers in the room, filling out a... I don't know, I'm sure you're worth it. And you've been here five days - this is your fifth day? But that's my point. Why do we need lawyers who are worth it? Why do we need lawyers? Why do we need lawyers?

Rebecca

You're being sued.

Don

And you're saying that like it's not insane? You're saying that like it isn't... [pauses, leans forwards towards them, getting angrier with each sentence] Tell me what I'm missing. A producer comes up from D.C., he wants to make a name for himself in New York. He chases a story that's not there. And the story - it's not a kitten up a tree. Chemical weapons, serin gas, on civilians. He cooks an interview, he takes a pair of scissors to raw footage. Of a man on the street? Of a retired, three-star Marine general. We go to air, 48 hours it takes for the story to come undone, and with it Atlantis Cable News, ACN is brought to its knees! The producer's surgical strike is discovered, and that producer is fired. Does he write an open letter to the New York Times apologizing to the public, his colleagues, the three-star General and US Armed Forces? No, he sues us for wrongful termination. And I need to know - I need some kinda sign from you, Rebecca, because you're obviously - all four of you, you couldn't be stupid and afford haircuts this good - [Rebecca laughs at this comment] I need you to tell me that this is exactly as insane as it is.

Rebecca

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to infuriate you.

Don

Why?

Rebecca

Because it is nuanced.

Don

[outraged] He cooked an interview! He took pruning shears to the raw - Rebecca... If he doused the studio in kerosene and lit a Tiki torch, it wouldn't have done as much damage as Genoa, so where is the complexity? Where is the nuance?

Rebecca

His claim is he was a scapegoat.

Don

That's his claim?

Rebecca

Yeah.

Don

I understand why he would feel that way, because it was entirely his fault.

[Don asks to be excused from jury duty] All of these people have someplace else to be, I'm sure your network can do the news without you.

Don

You're probably right but I'd hate my boss to find that out.

Take your seat.

Don

Uh-huh. [turns to one lawyer] Look, you don't want leaders on the jury, right? Anyone who can take charge during deliberations? I run a news broadcast five nights a week with a staff of sixty and I bend them to my will. [turns to other lawyer] Plus, I'm currently a defendant in two lawsuits being brought by the same person so, even though I bought your clients bagel-slicer at three a.m. and it nearly took my fingers off, there is simply no way in hell that I am finding for the plaintiff-

Get out of here!

Don

Thank you!

Don

I was gonna get the buffet.

Sloan

I don't know why, if given a choice, anyone wouldn't get the buffet. Under what circumstance would you order off the menu?

Don

If the menu had a five pound lobster and the buffet was soy themed, all you can eat assorted soy.

Sloan

Here's what I need you to do...

Don

Why does there have to be an assignment?

Sloan

Hey, are we in this buffet thing together?

Don

Yeah, we tell the waiter we're getting the buffet.

Sloan

I did a Q&A in Shape about my healthy diet.

Don

You lied.

Sloan

In a big way. And I'm really hungry so I need you to get food for me and I'll get food for you.

Don

Got it.

Sloan

Crab claws, as far as the eye can see. Mushroom, Swiss cheese omelet. And I can't emphasize this enough, waffles.