First, you go into News and you look over the questions the Segment Producer put in the rundown. Identify yourself and your news agency, summarize the segment-- the length, whether it's live or not, and who we're having on from the other side.
MaggieI'm sorry, but don't I first open my eyes and notice it's a new day?
What are we talking about here?
Maggie
I've done this before.
Maggie
What is this magic box in front of me?
Have I done something to you?
Maggie
I swear I was just thinking the exact same thing. I have no idea why I'm being mean to you.
Now that you know that, do you think you'll stop?
Maggie
That's the thing-- it doesn't feel like it. I'm just being honest.
I can't ask for more than that, except rational thought.
Maggie
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, wow. I didn't realize it was Valentine's Day. And that people in the office gave-
Maggie
No, Valentine's Day is Monday, not today, and these aren't for you, they're from you.
I am more confused than I was before.
Maggie
Don planned a beautiful night for us on Monday.
Maggie
Yes. Don planned a romantic evening for you and me. Me and HIM.
Maggie
And I don't want it to be ruined by Lisa, who will ruin it if she doesn't have a romantic Valentine's day. Last year her boyfriend forgot it was Valentine's Day and went to a Rangers game with his friends. She got drunk, made us watch "Overboard," and reviewed every bad Valentine's Day she's ever had, which was all of them. Not this year. You're gonna be like St. Valentine himself.
Maggie
Focus, nerd. Don got us a room at the Four Seasons.
Maggie
Nope, still him and me. The Four Seasons. The bath fills up in less than 60 seconds. And I don't want Lisa showing up with a copy of "The Notebook" saying, "Where's the minibar?"
Yeah, I can't hang out with Lisa on Valentine's Day. That's making a pretty strong statement.
Maggie
Don't screw with me on this, James Tiberius Harper.
That's not my middle name. You're thinking of Captain James Tiberius Kirk–
Maggie
Do not screw me on this, Jim.
We're not in a relationship. She calls me at night after work. We talk for a minute and then she says, "Should I come over?" And what am I supposed to say?
Maggie
If you're dating someone on February 14th, you take them out on February 14th.
What's February 14th? [Maggie is annoyed] Valentine's Day...
Maggie
Yes.
Maggie
It's just a very bad day.
LLisa
It's Valentine's Day. It's my favorite day.
Maggie
Then pick another day! Because it's every guy's least favorite day. Everyone's always disappointed. Valentine's Day is the bully of holidays. It forces love on people who aren't in love. Cupid's freakish.
Maggie
No, I'm boycotting Valentine's Day from now on. Who's with me?!
[holding flowers for Maggie hands them to a random guy] I love you every day. Today's just an excuse to spend a night in a hotel room.
What are they doing to contain the situation? What's going on with Will?
Internal security is handling it. But I have to give you a rotten assignment.
You got gum in your hair again?
No! Yes, but I got it out. I need you to do opposition research on Will.
About a year ago, somebody filed a complaint with HR on your behalf.
Maggie
I know what that was. Will didn't do anything wrong. This is ridiculous.
I know, but Charlie wants to know what else is out there so he can--
Will knows we're doing this?
[at Jim's desk]
Maggie
Have you done this before?
Maggie
Where do we start?
Tell me about the complaint.
Maggie
There was a desk producer who saw Will yell at me about something.
Maggie
Doesn't matter.
Maggie
Doesn't matter. [Jim raises his eyebrows. Maggie sighs] I mixed up Georgia the state with--
Maggie
Yes, Georgia the country.
Maggie
Yup. This isn't about me.
During the invasion? You thought the Russians invaded Atlanta?
Maggie
In retrospect, it seems farfetched. But that wasn't what he was actually mad about. The wife of a board member died and Will asked me to send flowers. I wrote on the card, "I'm so sorry about your loss. LOL."
Maggie
I thought it meant "lots of love."
How are you still working here?
Maggie
I dodge bullets. Here comes a bullet. Boom! I'm over here. Ping! Here comes another bullet. Boom! I'm over here.
Maggie
[to Jim answering as Michelle Bachmann] Congresswoman Bachmann.
Maggie
You've said that you were told to run for president by God.
Maggie
You have, right? You've said on a number of occasions that God told you to run for president. I have some clips if you'd like me to refresh your memory.
Nope, my memory is fresh.
Maggie
Here's my question.
Maggie
What does God's voice sound like? [everyone laughs] I'm completely serious. She's saying that God spoke directly to her. How is this not the first question asked in a debate? How's it not the only question? What does His voice sound like? What did He say exactly word for word? Did He speak in Hebrew? Acadian? Kiswahili-Bantu? And to put it in a medical context, is this the first time you've heard voices? She's claiming to be a prophet. The whole world is sitting on the edge of their seat. How is this not the first question we'll ask?
First of all, can you stop pointing at me and saying "she" and "her"?
Maggie
You're the one who wanted to play a woman. But tell me why that question is out of line.
Because it's not the best way to demonstrate seriousness of intent and it's not the best way not to insult people.
Maggie
Which people?
MMartin
Christians. 83 percent of the country.
Maggie
I'm one of them. And she's insulting me!
Please, stop pointing at me when you are–
Maggie
Relax, J. Edgar. She's insulting me, she's insulting my family, she's insulting my congregation, and she's insulting my faith. She's implying that Christians are imbeciles who will believe anything while reducing God to a party hack who endorses political candidates. Now, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is the first time since Moses that God has given direct instructions to someone other than His son. But if so, I think it deserves a follow-up.
[in the mock debate] Senator Santorum, you said that your campaign is about freedom and that 20 years from now you don't want to be telling your grandchildren how America once was free. Name three freedoms you had the day before President Obama was sworn in that you don't have now.
[as Santorum] Obamacare, to begin with. Obamacare is the most egregious--
Have you had to change doctors?
[as Santorum] May I finish?
No, sir. Have you had to change doctors?
Has anyone in your family had to change doctors? Has there been any change at all in health care for you or your family?
[as Santorum] I'm talking about Obamacare now.
My question was name three freedoms that you had the day before the president was sworn in that you don't have now. [to Maggie as Gingrich] Mr. Speaker, you just said that if you're elected, the price of gas will be $2.50 a gallon. How does the US President control the price of oil? [to Martin as Romney] Governor, you've said that as president you will never apologize for America. This question is in two parts. Name an instance in which the president has apologized for America and can you imagine no instance in which a US president should apologize for America?
Maggie
[as Gingrich] Mr. McAvoy, I find it reprehensible that the liberal media would try to pit Republicans against one another. And I, for one, won't stand by while it happens.
This is the Republican primary, Mr. Speaker, and you're running for the nomination. It wasn't my idea to pit you against anyone. It was yours.
Maggie
[screaming at a Sex and the City tour bus] Hey! No, they didn't! I'm a typical single woman in New York City! I don't wear heels to work because the typical woman's job doesn't exclusively involve gallery openings. And I know Carrie must have made boatloads writing her 800-word column for a newspaper no one's ever heard of but I just spent my last seven dollars having a fight with my best friend who, by the way, is not available at 3:00 p.m. on a Wednesday to console me about some guy, because she, too, has a job. And mostly, when you fall for a guy and he's going out with your best friend, it doesn't work out. Things get really bad!
[On the Sex and the City tour bus, Jim, previously unseen, stands]
Maggie
(horrified) No! No! [pause] I just...I was talking...about...other people! [she runs off]
Maggie
If it goes to voice mail after two rings, they saw your name and sent you to voice mail.
Maggie
Four rings they're not there, two rings they don't wanna talk to you.
All right, I have to retrace my entire life now.
Maggie
There's a difference between being tough and wanting to be. You and Mac are tough. Don's tough. I want to be.
Maggie
You know when I first noticed you?
When I ran into the room and got tackled by Mac's luggage? Did you know--
Maggie
No. It was funny, but I didn't notice you until later. There was a beep. It was an i News alert. But it was yellow.
[Flashback]
[Current]
Maggie
Nobody was paying attention to it.
Maggie
You clicked on it anyway. You couldn't help yourself.
You ran back into the building.
Maggie
He's dead and I'm alive.
That's what I'd keep in mind.
[As Jim and Maggie's flight to Cuba, which Edward Snowden failed to board, prepares to leave, and they discover his empty seat is opposite theirs]
We had seats across the aisle from him. The honeymooners had two seats across the aisle from Edward Snowden. Boris and Natasha had the golden tickets. We'd have had him the whole flight, except for one thing -
Maggie
[concurrently with him] He's not on the plane.
Maggie
Probably back in the airport.
Yeah. So we are flying 600 miles an hour away from the story... FUCK!!!
Maggie
[after a short pause] Why didn't you call her?
Maggie
Why didn't you call Hallie?
You're a noodge, Maggie. You know that?
Maggie
I'm just asking. If you really like her, it's a stupid thing to -
[cutting her off] I like you... And I don't know why you don't know that.
Maggie
[after a moment of shocked silence] Beca- Because if you wanted to be with me, you'd be with me.
That's just... not at all true. You were with Don when I met you.
Maggie
[angry] You never called me from New Hampshire.
Maggie
No you didn't. Ever! And you knew I'd split up with Don, and you knew why - you went through Lisa, you went through Hallie, and you never called me from New Hampshire, so it's really not as obvious as you think it is, and it's also probably not true.
You may be right... It's not, but it had... Potential. But the last thing was unambiguously wrong.
Maggie
What language are you using?
I do like you. I like you, and I'm glad I said it. Even though... now I wish I'd... said it at the end of a 13-hour flight.
Maggie
Yeah, this is going to be uncomfortable. [goes to unbuckle her seat belt] I'm gonna switch seats with someone.
I'll switch seats. I'll sit in Snowden's seat.
Maggie
That's not far enough. It's gonna be weird if we can see each other.
[He gets up, picks up his bag and moves a few rows back, where he asks someone to switch seats, leaving Maggie looking visibly shaken by their argument]
The Newsroom · 118 quotes
