Mindy Lahiri quotes from The Mindy Project

Danny

I was thinking of doing some traveling.

Mindy

You hate everywhere.

Ma'am you're being very disruptive.

Mindy

You know, I am so tired of people telling me that.

Mindy

You haven't let off Graham since the edamame arrived.

Danny

They're cold soybeans. They're from Iowa.

Mindy

Back off, grandpa.

Danny

That's not an insult, ok? Grandfathers are the backbone of this country.

Mindy

I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my wrist that says "breathe."

Danny

Breathe? That's something you forget to do? Why won't you put "walk" on your feet. You should think about getting "idiot" on your forehead.

Mindy

I should just spend the night at your place.

Danny

No, no, no. Call one of your friends!

Mindy

The only number I have memorized is my Thai place, they're not gonna let me spend the night. Which is so unfair because I know they have mattresses back there.

Morgan

Oh my God, Dr. L spotted the coffee cake, get out of the way we are bowling pins in her path!

Mindy

What? I don't want coffee cake, I'm still full from that chia seed I had last night.

Betsy

Oh no, I made an entire extra cake just for you, [scared] like you demand.

Peter

So you went on a coffee date with a loser. All coffee dates are with losers.

Mindy

He was just too nice. And I'm too nice and I can't break it off with him. I'm probably gonna marry him.

Peter

Mindy, the reason you can't break it off with him is not because you're too nice.

Mindy

Excuse me?

Peter

I saw you bring a girl to tears because she asked it you were registered to vote.

Mindy

I have been asked that a million times and the answer's always the same—I don't know!

Peter

Mindy, you deserve someone great, or at least someone kind of rich, or at least someone fun, probably gay.

Mindy

My kingdom for a gay husband.

Danny

No guys?

Mindy

Nope.

Danny

Girls?

Mindy

I wish! Oh my God, how hot would me and Keira Knightley be? All snuggled up in a log cabin.

Danny

You think you could pull Keira Knightley?

Mindy

I could! It would be like Bend It Like Beckham. And I can take a bra off like that [snaps her fingers].

Danny

I haven't seen you smile this much since you found out that you're younger than Katie Holmes.

Mindy

That old hag.

Mindy

How about we go to the bedroom and you show me if there’s any room in your closet for me.

Danny

No. No, there’s no space for you in there because that’s where all my pressed jeans go, okay? There’s no room for you. You got this now, okay?

Mindy

Maybe we should just go and, uh, check anyway.

Danny

I don’t need to check. I’m telling you right now, there’s no room for you in there.

Mindy

Have sex with me in your closet, you dumb-dumb.

Peter

What's the most valuable thing in the world to you? The thing that you treasure above all else?

Mindy

My signed photo of Kris Jenner.

Peter

Do you ever not know exactly where that is or exactly what it's doing?

Mindy

No, that thing's locked behind plate glass in my--That son of a--!

Mindy

[in the bathtub] Danny, my beloved sex partner, get in here. Welcome to your erotic bath.

Danny

I don't know. Baths? Isn't that like marinating in your own filth?

Mindy

Danny, come on. Cosmo says that taking a bath together is the #9 way to have a horny autumn. Don't you wanna have a horny autumn?

Danny

You gotta stop sending me all those nudies.

Mindy

Oh, I will never stop sending nudies. That's my First Amendment right!