Mindy Lahiri quotes from The Mindy Project

Mindy

I'm actually happy that Danny's gone, 'cause I'm his secret Santa and I don't know what to get him.

Peter

Golf balls.

Mindy

No, that's for white people; Danny's Italian.

Morgan

Meatballs.

Mindy

No, I'll just eat them.

Mindy

Hey girls! I'm back! Did you miss me?

You were gone?

Beverly

Well of course she was gone! She was picking up her Nobel Peace Prize. Your head healed real nice.

Danny

She thinks you're Malala.

Mindy

[holding a pregnancy test] Yeah, this one is positive. Which makes 30 positives. But there was that one negative!

The negative was a popsicle stick.

Mindy

Do you even bother telling your boyfriend if there's only, like, a 96% chance you could be pregnant?

100% chance. It was a popsicle stick! I saw you eat the popsicle, and then draw this little minus sign on it and then pee on it, for some reason!

Peter

I saw Henry and Lauren for about an hour or two, then they saw me and I ran away.

Mindy

You know what? It's only stalking if it doesn't work. You make her love you!

Morgan

Now Dr. K's treating me like family. He took me on his boat! No one has ever done that and brought me back.

Mindy

You cannot keep a Southern family's gay secret for personal gain. What, are you in a Tennessee Williams play?! [pause] Whoa, am I smart?

Mindy

That was a great surgery. I forgot how much I enjoy slicing open women. Thank God I became a doctor.

After that, I think we deserve a treat.

Mindy

Whoa, a flask? Mine was confiscated at the American Girl Store.

Hey, you want an omelette?

Mindy

OK, sure, thanks!

Well, I wish I'd known that before I started making pancakes.

Mindy

Oh, a trap! Great.

Child is like mule. It must be trained and broken.

I will raise your child like it was one of my own weasels.

Morgan

Do you smell weed Dr. L?

Mindy

I do.

Morgan

Yeah.

I love the way babies smell. [sniffs]

Morgan

I just got an Amber Alert on my phone.

Mindy

Get him outta here.

Mindy

Why would you think it was OK to take a photo of my son in an anti-vaccination onesie?

But I thought you said you wanted him to be famous!

Mindy

Yeah, of course I do! But if you want him to model, you gotta go through his talent agent, who I don't have, because no one will accept us as a package. Also, he is vaccinated.

What?! Why? Vaccines are just toxins pumped into our children by Big Pharma!

Mindy

No! You know what Big Pharma did? They got rid of Big Mumps and Big Polio.

Yeah, but no one even gets those anymore!

Mindy

Because of vaccines!