When I was eleven I broke the patio window and my mother sued me... She's always been a very aggressive litigator.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Two hundred and twelve million quid? You can't be serious!
SSolicitor
Oh, we're quite serious, Mr Reynholm.
But that's enough to bring Reynholm Industries to its knees! Bloody blast, this is up my arse!
SSolicitor
That is the amount, it is not up for negotiation.
Balls from hell, you shit-twins!
SSolicitor
Calm down, Mr. Reynholm.
Bollocks to be telling me to calm down, my old chap. She wants 220 titty million quid and you tell me to calm down! You're fired.
JJudge
Mr Reynholm, are you ready to start your cross-examination of Mrs. Reynholm?
I am, your honour, but rest assured, it will a normal examination. I am not in any way cross. [To Victoria Reynholm] You are Victoria Reynholm, are you not?
JJudge
Mr. Reynholm, we have already established that. Might I suggest that you try less to do an impression of a lawyer you once saw on television and make your case as simply as you possibly can.
Wise words, my learned lud.
Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
[Mumbles, nods frenetically]
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
[Nervously lifts a glass of water] Bit nervous, so, yeah, bit of water. [drinks the water, and spits it into his hand] Fizzy, it's very fizzy, it's fizzy, it's gone fizzy. [grabs the microphone and gets a shock] Yow! Come on! That's electric, there's electric in there, got a shock.
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
It is not. Sorry, yeah, sorry, um, my mother sued me.
JJudge
Just relax, take your time and answer the questions as clearly as you can.
Thank you, my love.
[In same tone as before] Your name is Maurice Moss, is it not?
[His chair collapses] The chair's faulty. [lifts the chair back up, but falls off it as he sits down]
No further questions, my lord.
[Jen enters room] Oh Jen, exciting news! I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show! Care to have a look.
[Looking displeased] That was fast. Seems like only yesterday, we had to sit through the last one.
[Incredulously] It was three months ago!
I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Douglas [laughs] Book recommendation? I can't read!
[points at coffee] Look at that shit! Look at it! I can't - how am I supposed to drink - it looks like he milked a cow over it!
[Angrily] That fella shouldn't be allowed to be a barista!
Why not?
Because he's too small Jen. He's clearly too small to be a barista!
[Looks at Roy and shakes her head]
What?
You're being a bit of a small-person-racist Roy.
[Shakes head] A small-person-racist? That's not a thing.
What's your beef with the homeless?
I don't have any homeless beef.
Ah, so it's women you hate! Well, that I can understand.
Wait, you record our emails and tape our phone calls?
Alright, dry your eyes Bono. If you've got nothing to hide, you've got nothing to fear.
I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.
And I would never abuse a small person. Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him. [beat] Although, I suppose I sort of did.
I sort of did my one too.
It's frustrating that we did both of our things.
Alright, I was young once. But if this got out it could deeply damage Reynholm Industries ability to make that product that we make.
What the hell were you thinking? I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!
No, no, no, no, no, it's new footage, Mr Reynholm.
Bum your excuses! Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold. We're not News International, for Christ's sake!
[On going to a funeral] I'm gonna have to look convincingly sad for the majority of the day. She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?
No.
What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?!
Do what I do when I need to cry: use a mild pepper-spray solution.
Now that make sense! See, that makes more sense than having to feel something!
[...]
[Holds bottle of tear liquid suspiciously] What's in here?
[Shrugs] Just Tabasco, wasabi, and a bit of tear gas.
Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.
It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.
[Nods and puts it in his jacket] Okay I'll take it, as a last resort.
[Shrugs] As a last resort.
In case I find myself out of my emotional depth.
There you go.
[Begins to walk off] Alright, thanks Moss!
Bye!
Bye.
[Begins to work on something else, then stops] Oh, don't forget to add the water! [But Roy has gone]
Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The IT Crowd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.