Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.
Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[regarding a female character in a Dungeons and Dragons game] Look at those fun bags!
[Moss bursts into the office]
I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!
[in disbelief] No!
What's going on?
I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!
Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!
[Smash cut to the set of Countdown, with Moss sitting behind a desk]
Consonant, please.
It actually already is a word, Tnetennba.
JSJeff Stelling
Good Heavens really? Could you, erm, use it in a sentence for us?
Good morning, that's a nice Tnetennba.
I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk.
[The 8+ Club are playing Street Countdown]
HTHarold Tong, aka "Prime"
Eighteen letters, I've never seen so many... he is the One.
[incredulously] What are you...
PPrime
Shh! This is the longest word yet on Street Countdown! Unlike normal Countdown, you see—
I don't care.
[The 8+ Club finish an acapella version of the Countdown music]
PPrime
Negative One?
NONegative One
Twelve.
Sixteen.
PPrime
Your word, Negative One.
NONegative One
Enormousness.
I shall give my answer, if I may, in the form of a joke.
PPrime
This is most irregular...
What do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
PPrime
I don't know, what do you call Negative One sitting alone in an empty room?
Overnumerousness!
PPrime
Gyles?
[Pan to Gyles Brandreth in a makeshift Dictionary Corner]
GGyles
Yes, that is a word! And the joke does make sense!
[Douglas is presenting an advert for "Spaceology"]
Space: what is it? The simple answer is, we don't know. Or at least we didn't know until now. Hello, I'm Douglas Reynholm, and I'm not a scientist, but I do have a better understanding of what space is than any scientist living today. Where did I gain these insights? From this man, the founder of Spaceology. Beth Gaga Shaggy — no relation to Lady Gaga or Shaggy — is the founder of Spaceology, a religion, not a cult. In other words, when it comes to space, he's the man with his head screwed on tight. This is what he told me when I met him on holiday two weeks ago.
BGBeth Gaga Shaggy
Space is invisible mind dust, and stars are but wishes.
I mean, think about that! That means every star you can see in the night sky is a wish that has come true. And they've come true because of something he calls Spacestar Ordering. Spacestar Ordering is based on the twin scientific principles of star maths and wishy thinking. If you'd like to know more, there are thousands of Spaceology centres all over the UK. If that doesn't convince you, well, then, maybe you just don't deserve to get what you want.
[Camera changes to Roy and Douglas watching the advert on Roy's computer]
Wow. You're a genius, Ray! Love the special effects! How did you do that thing where I'm spinning around?
Well, in that bit, you're actually spinning around.
[Roy and Jen are at a Sweet Billy Pilgrim gig]
I'm going to go dance at the front.
Aren't you a bit old for the front?
I'm 32!
TTeenager
Good for you, mate!
[greeting the Italian guests] Viennetta... Fiat Punto.
There was a fire...at a Sea Parks?
[trapped inside of claw crane toy vending machine] These toys may smell of wee, come the morn.
[Moss and Roy are walking down the street]
Oh my gosh!
[Moss runs forward and kneels down]
It's a robot!
[Camera zooms out to show a bomb disposal robot]
I've never seen one in the wild before. Where did you come from, fella, huh? Where 'd ya come from? Can we keep him, Roy? Only if he doesn't belong to anyone.
[Jen is asking Roy for help with her laptop]
Someone told me I need a browser on my computer. Could you install one, please?
You don't have a browser on your comput- [notices a chiming noise] What is - what is that sound? Is that coming from your laptop? It's not supposed to sound like... [goes round and sees that Jen's laptop is infested with malware] What the- what's all that crap!? [points to one] How long has that been - I haven't seen that one since the nineties! [goes to pick it up] Oh, Jen, I have to fix this.
[grabbing it back] No, no, leave it. I have it how I like it.
"How you like it!?" No no no, Jen, it's infected. If this was a human being, I'd shoot it in the face.
[The computer controlling the bomb-disposal robot has crashed]
What kind of operating system does it use?
PPolice
Err... it's... Vista!
We're going to die!
[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
PPolice
What?
[quickly] Have you tried turning it off and on again?
PPolice
...what?
[agitated] HAVE YOU TRIED...TURNING IT OFF, AND ON AGAIN?!
[shrieks, then turns to the Police] I just won 100 quid.
Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly, and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright, and I find that unbearable.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The IT Crowd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.