Jen Barber quotes from The IT Crowd

Jen

If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory, or RAM.

Moss

Memory is RAM!

Have you got any absinthe?

Jen

No.

I only drink absinthe.

Jen

Absinthe, no. Red wine, white wine, Carlsberg...

Oh Carlsberg, perfect.

Roy

Peter, what's your email address?

Oh, it's [email protected].

Roy

"filepeter"? Why "filepeter"?

Well, File is my second name.

Roy

Oh, right, I see. Peter File.

Moss

Who's a paedophile?

Roy

No no, his name is Peter File.

Moss

His name is paedophile?

Jen

[angry] Don't say it like that. It sounds like "paedophile."

Moss

Isn't that what he just said?

Moss

[enunciating] Paedo phile?

Jen

Peter File!

Who's a paedophile?

Jen

No one is.

Moss

[finally understanding] Right. It just sounds like paedophile.

Jen

No, no, it doesn't!

Moss

Does a bit. Peter File.

Roy

Peter File... Yeah, no, it does.

[exasperated] YES, I SUPPOSE IT DOES!

Jen

I didn't noticed, so...

It doesn't bother you, does it?

Jen

No, of course it doesn't. [leans in for a kiss]

Moss

They say "pedophile" in America. Maybe you should move to America.

Jen

[shouting] He's not moving to America!

I don't think that's true.

Jen

With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.

Douglas

Oh, not these idiots!

Jen

Mr Reynholm, the men in the IT department are my friends, they're not idiots. [Moss and Roy walk in without their trousers]

What does IT stand for?

Jen Barber

What does it stand for? What doesn't it stand for?

Yes, yes, but what does it stand for?

Jen

It stands for, it stands for commitment. It stands for audacity. It stands for courage in the face of-

Yes, yes I can see what you're getting at, but the specific letters "IT", what do they stand for?

Jen

What do you think they stand for?

No, no, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for an interpretation, I really don't know what the letters actually stand for. So, let's start with the I. What does the I stand for?

Jen

I... need... to... [nervously laughs] wee wee.

Moss

Hello, Roy speaking.

Jen

[on phone] What? Moss? You're still concussed, you need to see the doctor.

Moss

Who is this? Roy? Wait, it couldn't be Roy, I'm Roy.

Jen

Look, what does IT mean?

Moss

What?

Jen

IT, what does I.T. mean? Someone's just asked me.

Moss

You don't know what it means?

Jen

No, I never thought to ask.

Moss

This must be Jen!

Jen

Yes—

Moss

Hello Jen!

Jen

Hello!

Moss

How may I help you?

Jen

Tell me, tell me what IT means.

Moss

Absolutely. [pause]

Jen

Well?

Moss

Very well, thank you. How are you?

Jen

Moss, please just stay with me, just for this simple question okay? What—

Moss

Jen, I'm just going to put you on speakerphone, all right?

Jen

No no no, don't hang up—

Moss

[hangs up] Jen, you are now on speakerphone. [pause] Jen? Hello Jen? [phone rings] Jen, can you bear with me one moment? I've got someone trying to get through in the other line. [picks up] Roy speaking.

Jen

You just hung up on me.

Moss

Jen, can you hold on one second? I've got Jen on the other line.

Jen

No! Don't—

Moss

[switches lines] Jen, can I call you back? I've just got Jen trying to get through on the other line. [switches lines] Jen, sorry about that. Phew! Chicken in a basket, it has been all ruddy go today! Now how may I help you?

Jen

What does IT mean?! You know, computers? Something to do with computers probably?

Moss

Computers? That's not really my area. Jen, I'd love to help you but, it's a real pain, I seem to have forgotten absolutely everything I know about computers.

Jen

How can you forget everything you know about computers, Moss?

Moss

Let me see, maybe it isn't everything. [thinks] No, it's definitely everything.

Jen

Ohh, that's better. [she sits down]

Good. Good. Now, where were we?

Jen

Oh God, I can't remember. I hate it when that happens. [she looks around] Wow. Is this a wooden desk? [she starts knocking]

Oh no, I remember. You were going to tell me what IT means.

Jen

Right. [she stops knocking; pleading] I don't know what it means, alright? I never thought to... it didn't really affect me as I'm too busy managing one man whose idea of an adult night out is Laser Quest followed by pornography, and another who collects wires. Have you heard Guided By Voices? They're a band.

No.

Jen

[faking a smile] I have. I've heard everything they've ever done. They're good. I'm a bit of a fan now.

Isn't that good?

Jen

[sharply] I shouldn't even know who they are! [she turns away from June, then realizes something] They've turned me into one of them. I am one of them. [she turns back towards June] That's why you need me. I am your conduit. [she stands up] I am your bridge. ICH BIN EIN NERD!

[nervously] Welcome aboard.

Jen

What is it?

Moss

This, Jen, is the Internet.

Jen

What?

Moss

That's right.

Jen

This is the Internet? [Moss nods.] The whole Internet?

Moss

Yep. I asked for a loan of it, so that you could use it in your speech.

Jen

It's so small!

Moss

That's one of the surprising things about it.

Jen

Hang on, it doesn't have any wires or anything...

Moss

[rolling his eyes] It's wireless!

Jen

Oh, yes, everything's wireless these days, isn't it? So I can really use it in my speech? What if someone needs it?

Moss

Oh no, people will still be able to go online and everything; it'll still work.

Jen

Oh, good.

Moss

I tell you: you present this to the shareholders, and you'll get quite the response.

Jen

Can I touch it? [Moss nods; Jen picks the box up] Ooh, it's so light.

Moss

Of course it is, Jen! The internet doesn't weigh anything!

Jen

[laughing] No, no, of course it doesn't!

Roy

[agitated] Hey! What is Jen doing with the Internet?

Jen

Moss said I could use it for my speech.

Roy

Are you insane? What if she drops it?

Jen

I won't drop it, I'll look after it!

Roy

No. No, no, no, no, Jen. [He takes the box from Jen] No, this needs to go straight back to Big Ben.

Jen

Big Ben?

Moss

Yep. It goes on top of Big Ben. That's where you get the best reception.

Jen

I promise I won't let anything happen to it.

Roy

No, Jen, I'm sorry. [Jen becomes woeful] The Elders of the Internet would never stand for it.

Moss

Oh no, I spoke to the Elders of the Internet not one hour ago. I told them about Jen winning Employee of the Month, and they were so impressed, that they wanted to do whatever they could to help.

Jen

[suspiciously] Wait a minute, the "Elders of the Internet"!? [shocked] The Elders of the Internet know who I am!? You've got to let me have it!

Roy

No, Jen, I'm sorry, it's just too risky!

Jen

Oh, please, Roy!

Roy

[resignedly] Well, Moss, has it been completely demagnetised?

Moss

By Stephen Hawking himself. [to Jen] He sends his congratulations, by the way.

Roy

Well, if it's okay with the Hawk...

Jen

So, can I have it?

Roy

You can.

Is it heavy? [indicates the box]

Jen

[laughs] That's a bit of a silly question. The Internet doesn't weigh anything!

Fucking idiot!

Roy

Oh no, it's all coming back to me now. She used to slap [make-up] on with a trowel.

Jen

[applying more lipstick] Why don't women have the confidence to know that less is more?

Roy

Then, when she started crying, it all ran down her face. It was like breaking up with the Joker.

Jen

Why are you doing this?

Roy

Same reason I do everything, Jen: to have sex with a lady.

Maurice Moss

Does this sound mysterious?

Jen Barber

Yeah, yeah it's quite mysterious.

Moss

I was hoping for "ruddy mysterious".

Jen

Mr Reynholm, I don't need to remind you of the report that denounced Reynholm Industries as an institutionally sexist organisation.

Douglas Reynholm

Now, you hold on a minute, sugar-tits!

Moss

I did it! I did it! I've been accepted!

Roy Trenneman

[in disbelief] No!

Jen

What's going on?

Moss

I've been accepted! I applied, and they said yes!

Jen

Who said yes? What are you talking about? Moss... Moss, you're shaking!

Moss

Consonant, please.