The Good Place · Season 1
Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.
That's what you used to think about? I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants that are just one big pant leg for both your legs.
You mean a skirt?
No. You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up.
Dude, you broke Michael.
No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
And what if he can't?
Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed.
Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. Your doggie, Max, has passed away. Do you know what that means? Well, sometimes when a dog is very old, like, five or six or something, he crosses a long rainbow bridge, and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm with lots of grass and trees and, I don't know, wagons and a rainbow. I already said "rainbow". The point is: that's where Max is.
Can we visit him at the farm?
Nope, because it's very far away in Guam. It's in Guam.
Can we at least...
Okay, look. I'm lying, okay? You caught me. Congratulations. The farm is made up. The bridge is made up. There's no such place as Guam.
I would say I outdid myself, but I'm always this good. So I simply did myself.
Have you met my secretary, Jeanette? She's a lot like Janet, but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers.
Hi, Jeanette.
Oh, no, it's still me Janet. Michael just asked that I change my appearance, and also say things like, "You're so funny," and "So how many quarterbacks are in a home run?"
Whenever we auditioned a new dancer, we would rate them in five categories: dancing ability, coolness, dopeness, freshness, and smart-brained. I would give you an eight in every category.
Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose.
No, no. Eight is the best. It was a scale of 1-13, but eight was highest. The scale went up and then back down like a tent.
Why? It's not important.
Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.
Do you know what's really happening right now? You're learning what it's like to be human. All humans are aware of death. So we're all a little bit sad all the time. That's just the deal.
Sounds like a crappy deal.
Well, yeah. It is. But we don't get offered any other ones. And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. I've been there. And everybody's been there. So don't fight it. In the words of a very wise Bed, Bath, and Beyond employee I once knew "Go ahead and cry all you want. But you're going to have to pay for that toilet plunger."
But this is hard because the only trolley I've ever been on is James Franco's ironic trolley. It travels backwards from his penguin grotto to his garage of adult tricycles.
Michael, you've been kind of quiet. What do you think about all this?
Well, obviously the dilemma is clear. How do you kill all six people? So I would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys.
...
Oh, I did the thing again, didn't I?
Yep. Ten more buddy.
[Michael goes up to the chalk board and starts writing]
People good. People good. Why is that so hard to remember? People- What is it?
Good.
Good.
Why are you so scared that someone will know we're pounding it out?
Precisely because you refer to lovemaking as "pounding it out."
Maybe you should talk about this with a friend.
But then that person would know we were together.
Right. Then you can talk about why it is that you don't want anyone to know we're together.
But then that person would know, and I don't want anyone to know.
I know. I'm saying you should talk to someone about how weird it is that you don't want to talk to someone about how we're together.
I just want to have a little chat about your progress. In the last homework assignment, I asked you to examine the ethics of Les Misérables, in which a man steals a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. Would you please read your first paragraph here?
"Everyone in this story sucks and belongs in the Bad Place. The thief is bad. The officer chasing him is bad. All the whiny prostitutes are bad. Plus, they're all French, so they're going to the Bad Place automatically."
Do you see how you're already off topic?
Chidi, I've been around a long time like, all of it. But I know for a fact that if you steal a loaf of bread, it's a negative 17 points, 20 if it's a baguette because that makes you more French.
Actually, it might help me if I could hear Jason's side as well.
Oh, no, no, no. That'll only slow things down. Look, I'll tell you his side. He thinks that I have to control everything and that he has no voice in this relationship. Right, Jason? Good. Now, where were we? I just heard that.
These five people all need organ transplants, or they will die. Eleanor's perfectly healthy. Chidi, do you want to slice her open and use her organs to save the five sick people?
Chidi, Chidi, think about this. I'm your hottest friend... No, Tahani. I'm your nicest fr... No, Jason. I'm your friend.
Here's the thing. I'm nice to you, and you're mean to me. There's something wrong about that, but I can't put my finger on what it is.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Good Place pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
