Just time to have a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. "Aristocrat's Dung Saves Village from Flood," that's in the Mail. Today: "Drowned Italian Wins Eurovision". The Express go with "Lord Mayor's Pirouette in Fire Chief Wife Decapitation," grisly but gripping. The Sun: "Robin Cock!" And the Daily Star: "'Feel My Nose and Put My Specs There,' Roars Drunken Major."
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
The headlines tonight: Portillo's teeth removed to boost Pound. Exploded cardinal preaches sermon from fish tank. And where now for man raised by puffins?
Devon and Cornwall should have some fairly heavy and prolonged showers, a bit like jagged metal piercing old flesh.
And it was a rather cowy night for the pound: it stood at 3.79 against the German Bordello, that's up .5 against the Portuguese Starling and down a hundred against the Bitch.
Here at home, from tomorrow the new Bank of England five pound note comes into circulation. The notes, which feature the head of Iggy Pop, can only be used once. [rests her head on the desk]
Thanks, Collately. Coming up: Bosnian old woman...
Two to look out for, number one there - "Zeinab Badawi's Twenty Hotels", and number three, "Two Headed Sex Beast".
Not sure what that is, hope it's, er... [chuckles] ...hope it's not a dead horse. They're not going to fit it in the back of a Volvo 340. [beat] Actually, I hope it isn't a dead horse... sorry.
The American actor Marlon Brando has been sold today in an auction at Sotheby's. Brando, who starred in films like Apocalypse Now and Superman, was part of a sale of international works of art which attracted interest from all over the world. He was sold in the large wooden chair he has occupied for the last three years to the Vatican, at just under the expected price of two and a quarter million dollars. It's believed he will be installed in St Peter's later next month.
VVoiceover
The Day Today: aware that while the world looks round, it is in fact a cube. And from this we know that 'Fact' times 'Importance' equals NEWS.
A week of foul-tempered debate in Europe ended this afternoon as finance ministers agreed new quota rates for trade with the United States. In Brussels is our economics correspondent, Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan. Peter, what is the new rate?
It's 30 percent, Chris. Agreement was a long time coming, but in the end the decision was unanimous.
What was the Germans' reaction? Because they've been holding out for 40 percent, haven't they?
That's right. When I spoke to finance minister Reinhardt earlier today, he said he didn't like the deal, but he had to go along with it.
Really? You spoke to him yourself, you managed to pin him down? He's a pretty tricky man, isn't he?
That's right.
Where did you get hold of him?
He was in the hotel.
And you conducted a conversation with him about the quota rates?
That's right - he said he didn't like it, but he had to go along with it.
...What language did you conduct this conversation in, Peter?
...German.
You spoke to him about the technicalities of the deal in German?
So what's the German for "30 percent"?
...Trenter percenter.
Dreißig prozent?
And what about that quote you attributed to him, "I don't like it but I'll have to go along with it"?
That's what he said.
How did he say it?
"I don't like it, but I'll have to go along with it."
In German, how did he say it?
Ich... nichten lichten...
Presumably you mean "Rufen Sie ein Taxi bitte sonst verpass' ich meinen Flug"?
No you don't, Peter, because that means "Get me a taxi, I'm late for my plane!" Now I'm going to ask you a question: did you speak to the German finance minister about the new deal this afternoon?
[defeated] No.
And what was his reaction?
I don't know.
Peter, thank you.
[Rok TV]
HTHarfynn Teuport
The work of he's-a-singer Bob Dylan is to be reappraised following the discovery of a filum which shows several of his songs, including the classic "Subterranean Homesick Blues", being sung as long ago as 1947 by the singer/songwriter George Formby.
[Outtake from "Underpants", 1947]
HTHarfynn Teuport
Dylan, who is in hospital after eating a rotten wolf, has so far been unavailable for comment.
ICIan Curtis
[a skeleton swinging on a rope] Hello, Ian Curtis here, I watch Rok TV every day!
HTHarfynn Teuport
That's the news where it's gone. Time now for Suki Bapswent with her special brand of things.
SBSukie Bapswent
What-ho, I'm Sukie Bapswent!
HTHarfynn Teuport
Mm!
SBSukie Bapswent
Uh-oh, now go 'wow' for the latest sounds from Nirvana! They've been commissioned to do the music behind the new Panty Smile sanitary products campaign. Okay boys, hit me with those ultra-pads!
KCKurt Cobain
Once a month / You'll become a slave
To a tidal wave / Yeah
Body's little clock / Could mess up your frock
But Panty Smile's a lovely thing
It absorbs every thing
Chorus
You can wear them / In the high street
Body contours / Very discreet
And the comfort / You won't be-lieve
'Cause the topsheet / Is a dryweave
Yeah. Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
Panty / Yeah / Smile
VVoiceover
Panty Smile. A Comfy Pal who says Never Mind.
"Arafat Ablaze in Kerosene Oyster Hell," that's in the Telegraph.
The heads tonight: Teenage boy roasts himself in sacrifice to Chris Kelly. Heseltine fading fast. And headmaster suspended for using big faced child as satellite dish. This is the news!
HMr Hennety
What's goin' on 'ere? This is supposed to be a high-class bureau de change! Not some two-bit Punch and Judy show down on the seafront at Margate!
We're pushed for time, can you sum it up in a word?
SMSpartacus Mills
No.
A sound?
SMSpartacus Mills
Woouueerrrr.
Spartacus, thank you. Alan, Sport.
Thanks, Chris. Well, as I said, it really was--
Shut it, Alan - I want you to stop! All programmes have now been suspended on all channels to allow the broadcast of this film, held in reserve for times of crisis...
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