VVoiceover
This is Britain, and in this glittering sea, this perfect fusion of man and mineral, we know that conflict will always perish in the brotherhood of flags.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
HMr Hennety
Look, I never thought I'd say this, right, but... pull down the blinds! I'm closing the bureau - for an hour.
RReporter
In an airjam, there's a 3D gridlock in the air and no way out: the planes just slow down and stop. It's been known for years that an airjam could happen, but no emergency measures were ever made. The last-minute efforts of Transport Secretary John MacGregor this afternoon did little to help.
CClown
Is he always breaking things?
RReporter
The irony is that while these people lie around like the dead, those in the air will actually die, and end up like the ratatouille these people ate at the canteens, which are responding to strong demand at the moment here.
[in a locker room] The atmosphere here hangs heavy, like a big smell. The smell of men together. The smell of cats' musk. Bob Mariner! You missed the penalty, why?
BMBob Mariner
Yeah, Alan, it was a bad one. It took the top of me boot, it was all over in an instant.
You looked really stupid.
VVoiceover
A FACT: alone and tumbling through infospace. Without help, it could vanish forever... because only THIS [The Day Today] can make it a NEWS.
JJJacques-'Jacques' Liverot
If we could see politics, what would it look like? A cube... but with all its corners on the inside.
JJJacques-'Jacques' Liverot
If democracy is a bra, then the monarchy are breasts. And we cannot imagine a society without breasts. Hélas.
NWNight Watchman
I'm never tempted to use the pool myself at night. Although some time ago I used to go down and take showers. And on one occasion I went down to the pool and found a woman's swimming costume. Which I put on and paraded around singing a song... a Joan Baez protest song.
NWNight Watchman
Well, I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no one died. In 1976, no one died. In 1977, no one died. In 1978, no one died. In 1979, no one died. In 1980... some one died. In 1981, no one died. In 1982, there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no one died. In 1984, no one died. In 1985, no one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.
Just time for a quick look at tomorrow's headlines. Today: "'You Could Blow Notes Across the Holes in His Head,' Says Sinatra Doc." The Herald Tribune go with "'Boiled Dog Could Do Maths,' Claims Experimenter". The European: "Elastic Song Strangles Hucknall". The Daily Telegraph and other broadsheets feature tabs here down the side for ease of turning the pages. And The Independent go with "'Portillo's Face Felt Like Guts,' Says Girl". That's it. Just to let you know, the police are still looking for the actor Burt Reynolds after he stole a dodgem and drove it out of a fairground in Islington. The fifty-nine-year-old American eluded capture after a low-speed car chase, and was last seen heading north on the M11 near Saffron Walden.
The headlines tonight: NATO annuled after delegate swallows treaty. "I'm so sorry," yells exploding cleaner. And bearded cleric in oily chin insertion. Those are the headlines... God, I wish they weren't.
Spiders will never speak, insists ambassador.
It's just been anno - yeah, thanks... it's just been announced there's to be an special inquiry into the Government's handling of the Frome shipping deal, which flew to pieces last month amid allegations of gross ministerial misconduct. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane. He's just prised him out of an emergency meeting.
I'm with the Minister for Ships, Michael Crane MP...
[in voiceover drowning out Peter] That's right, Peter. Everything I've just said comes spewing straight back out of your stupid slab of a face...
...Mr. Crane, choppy waters for the Government?
MCMichael Crane
Not at all, Peter. This procedure was entirely proper, and I think the inquiry will prove that the Government's handling of this matter was entirely proper.
So the Government's ship back on course?
MCMichael Crane
Absolutely.
Back to you, Chris.
Peter, what the hell was that? This man's made a big-scale cock-up here, you let him get away with it! Now let me speak to him. Put your earpiece next to his head and stand still. Now, Minister, there's reason to believe that you lied to the House. How do you answer that?
MCMichael Crane
Well, that is a very serious and unfounded allegation, and I will be making a statement to the House based on the preliminary inquiry next week.
A week is a long time in politics.
Rab Butler.
Shut up, Peter. Now, Minister, did you or did you not lie to the House?
MCMichael Crane
I will be making a full statement to the House next week.
It's a simple question. Yes or no? Did you or did you not lie?
MCMichael Crane
...I, erm...
As the Minister for Ships sprawls on the pin, it's back to you, Chris!
No it isn't, Peter! He's about to answer the question! He's about to admit to lying to the House! You've let him get away again! Where's he gone?!
Over there...
Well, get him back!
He's in a cab.
Peter, you've lost the NEWS! What are you going to say?
Sorry.
Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say sorry!
I'm sorry!
Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking!
Sorry...
[Alan Partridge's World Cup Countdown to '94]
TWWWAT! That was liquid football!
And... SHIT!! Did you see that? He must have a foot like a traction engine!
Eat my goal! The goalie has got football pie all over his shirt.
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