Cliff Huxtable quotes from The Cosby Show

Cliff

No, no, we're not gonna play "Do You Remember."

Cliff

Yes, the University of Life. I understand some of its graduates have gone on to move back home with their parents!

Cliff

Yes, the University of Life. I understand some of its graduates have gone on to move back home with their parents!

Cliff

I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you "watch your sister", by the time it travels to your brain it turns to "let her go wandering around the mall." And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver, or maybe a brick!

Cliff

I don't know what it is between your ears and brain that is dislodged. So whenever we tell you "watch your sister", by the time it travels to your brain it turns to "let her go wandering around the mall." And I just pray to the heavens that I could find something to fix it. A screwdriver, or maybe a brick!

Cliff

Yes, I know Tina Turner. I knew Tina Turner when she was rollin' on the river!

Cliff

You're going to have to help me out here, what are we looking at?

Cliff

[talking to the babies about his brother] James was very small, and this kid said, "He looks rather sickly", and James punched him in the face. And I look at my brother and he's [rocking back and forth with a smug look] and I say, "GO JAMES!" Anyway, he died and then I was very sad, but he's still with me, he's with me here [Points to heart] and he's going to be with you because I'm going to tell you stories about him.

Cliff

And here we have the basement. This is the only room in the house where I can enjoy complete privacy because of the offspring repellent.

Cliff

(about being romantic) I've got five children. I don't need to prove anything to anybody!

Cliff

I will Hoverize you!

Cliff

All of you who do not have a job, raise your hands. And while you have your hands up, I want you to look down because for guys who aren't working, I'm seeing expensive sneakers.

Theo

I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff

Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!

Cliff

You graduate from High school; let's say you just slide by. Now you gotta find a job. Now what kind of salary do you expect for a regular person?

Theo

Uhh, $250 a week.

Cliff

Sit down. [giving Theo Monopoly money] I'm gonna give you $300 a week. Yes indeed. $300 a week, $1200 dollars a month.

Theo

Great! I'll take it!

Cliff

Yes you will, and I will take [takes some of the money] $350 for taxes.

Theo

Whoa!

Cliff

Uh, yeah. You see, the government comes for the regular people first. Now how much does that leave you with?

Theo

$850.

Cliff:

All right. Now you have got to have an apartment, because you are not going to live here. [taking more money] So an apartment in Manhattan will run you at least $400 a month.

Theo

I'll live in New Jersey. [takes back $200]

Cliff

All right, you live in New Jersey, you've got to have a car. [takes $300]

Theo

I'll ride a motorbike. [takes back $100]

Cliff

You need a helmet. [Cliff takes $50] Figure $100 a month for clothes and shoes. [takes $100]

Theo

Figure $200 a month, I want to look good! [give Cliff $100]

Cliff

So what's that leave you with?

Theo

$200. So, no problem!

Cliff

There is a problem, you haven't eaten yet! [Cliff takes $100]

Theo

I can get by on baloney and cereal. [takes back $100] So I've got everything under control PLUS $200 left for the month.

Cliff

You plan to have a girlfriend?

Theo

For sure.

Cliff

[pointing at Theo's empty hand] Regular people.

Theo

I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son.

Cliff

Theo... That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life! No wonder you get D's in everything! You're afraid to try because you're afraid your brain is going to explode and it's going to ooze out of your ears. Now I'm telling you, you are going to try as hard as you can. And you're going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you in this world, and I'll take you out!