A necktie!?
Sure, Pete. When you're famous, you can't look like a slob.
Does that mean you have to wear clean socks, too?
[ignoring Bobby] There, now how do I look?
Like a slob with a tie!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
A gentle reminder, my boy: your name is Brady, not Onassis.
[Greg has just received his driver's license and wants to buy a car of his own]
I don't have to be logical; I'm a mother.
Well, I think you're worrying prematurely because by the time Greg gets enough money for the kind of car he wants, the 1999 models are gonna be here.
Oh no, he wants to buy a car right now.
Look, he's only got $100, he's not gonna be satisfied with anything he can get for that.
Just $100?
Yes, and delusions of grandeur. What kind of a car could he get for $100?
[Cut to Greg's friend Eddie trying to sell him a beat-up 1956 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible, with a "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign on the windshield]
EEddie
She's a beauty, ain't she, Greg? I'm only selling her because I need a fast $100. You know, I got 5 or 6 guys just waiting to buy this baby, but it's such a good deal, I wanted a friend to have it first.
Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate that. There's an awful lot of chrome missing up and down here, and all these dents.
EEddie
What chrome missing? I've got it right here, you just straighten it out. As for these dents, take it to the auto shop at school, they'll pound them right out for you.
[Greg tries to open the door, it's stuck]
EEddie
So it sticks a little! When you own a convertible, you don't use doors, you just jump right in. [Jumps into the car] Sports car, right?
Right!
EEddie
But if you want to do it the regular way, it does work. [Kicks the door open with his foot] You see?
Eddie, look at this big hole in the backseat!
EEddie
What hole? A little rip. Just sew it up, only a dime for needle and thread. Listen to this horn. (Honks) The windshield wipers work, the radio...
Can I hear the engine?
EEddie
Sure, Purrs like a kitten. [Starts the engine, running at very loud noise and backfires, causing the car to vibrate] Runs a little rough until she warms up, then she's great!
Yeah, I can feel it.
EEddie
[Turns off the engine] The idle just needs to be adjusted. All this baby needs is a little bit of work.
Eddie, I don't know.
EEddie
Greg, for $100 and a little bit of work, you got yourself a car that's worth maybe $500.
Think all it will take is a little work?
EEddie
Positive. Tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna throw in a repair manual, absolutely free. With this, a 10-year-old could fix her up!
I told my Dad I'd let him look at anything I bought first.
EEddie
What time is it, Greg?
[Looks at his watch] It's 3.20. Why?
EEddie
Car's gonna be gone by the time you get your dad here. I got a guy coming in 10 minutes, and with him it's a sure sale. (Puts the "FOR SALE LIKE NEW" sign back on the windshield)
Eddie, I don't know.
EEddie
Greg, it's a great deal. Or would you rather wait 5 or 6 years for a set of wheels?
Greg [Describing Warren Mulaney to Marcia]: He's at the top of my crumb list! In fact, he's at the bottom of my crumb list, too. And he's every crumb in-between.
When are you going to grow up?
When I get older.
Peter [Impersonating Humphrey Bogart]: Porkchops and applesauce, that's swell!
One line. It's different with me. I'm a star.
[to Marcia] Well lah-de-dah!
What does that mean?
It means that Marcia's being a pain in the neck.
Oh, [to Marcia] well lah-de-dah!
[Marcia is in her room combing her hair when Carol comes in to speak to her.]
Marcia?
Yes, Mother?
I sent the final program to the printers this afternoon.
I wish Harold’s name wasn’t in it, he was awful at rehearsal today.
Well Marcia, I’m afraid your name is not going to be in it.
What do you mean?
I was at the rehearsal this afternoon.
You were?
Afterwards Mrs. Goodwin and I talked. And we have decided that for the good of the play — and for your own good — she is going to have to replace you.
Replace me?
Yes. Your understudy is going to be Juliet.
Tina!? But I’m better than her!
Marcia? It has nothing to do with you being better. It’s your attitude.
What do you mean my attitude?
Well, you’ve become rude to your friends and siblings! You’ve become impossible to live with!
[flustered, in between tears, and before crying] Mom...! That is so unfair!
Marcia, I’m not blaming you. It’s not all your fault. We encouraged you. But you let it go to your head.
[on the verge of tears] You do not understand, Mom!
Marcia, I do understand. But you brought all of this on yourself. I’m sorry.
[Carol leaves the room. Marcia bitterly breaks down and cries.]
[crying] MOM!
You did!
I didn't!
You did too!
I did not!
Hey, what are you two arguing about?
Well, you might wanna know, she told everyone else. I got called into the principal's office for chewing gum in class!
Well, all I hear all day long at school is how great Marcia is at this how wonderful Marcia did that. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Peter (to Marcia): I got it! Take this down. 'To Davy Jones. Dear Sir, you have just won a 10 million dollar sweepstakes. For information, contact Marcia Brady at...'
What's that got to do with singing at the prom?
Nothing, but it would sure get his attention.
[In Jan's meeting with Mike and Carol.]
[reads the letter from her teacher and principal] In the past several weeks, Jan's grades have...!
[stops Jan from reading the letter] That is enough, Jan.
[to Jan] Jan? Where do you normally sit in Mrs. Denthoff's class?
In the back. Why?
Does she write lessons on the black board in the front of the class?
Usually.
Jan? I think you may need glasses.
Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses!
Certainly, you want to have your eyes checked.
Honey? Wearing glasses isn’t anything these days.
But I’m sure I don’t need glasses!
Well, listen Jan. Do you want to keep failing in school? Making mistakes like taking the wrong bicycle?
Glasses? Oh no, Mom! Not glasses! I am going to look positively goofy!
Jan? Sit down, honey. Jan? Is there something you must explain to me?
What, Dad?
Well, when we had that picture taken, you didn’t have your glasses yet.
I didn't?
No, you didn't. That cannot be the same picture. Can it?
It isn’t, Dad. But it wasn’t the other kids’ fault. I ruined the first one because I wasn’t wearing my glasses. I ran into it on my bike in the garage.
Jan? You are very lucky you ran into the picture. You would've run into something much worse — like a car.
I’m sorry, Dad. I’ll wear my glasses from now on whenever I’m supposed to, I promise.
Oh yeah? Well, for a little reminder, I am afraid I am going to have to ground you. For two weeks, no bicycle.
Can you make it something else? You can’t ground me from riding my bicycle!
Oh yes. I am afraid that I can.
Well, you see, I do not have a bicycle anymore. I sold it to pay for the new photograph.
Well, okay. I guess that is punishment enough.
[Marcia and Jan are re-painting a chair. Cindy wants to help.]
No Cindy! It is too hard for you!
But why can't I help!? The chair, it goes in my room too!
Look Cindy! This isn't a game! If you mess up the paint, we are going to have to do it all over again!
Mom, dad, it works! Stretching myself really works! I grew an inch and a half!
How much?
A whole inch and a half!
Oh, honey, maybe you grew, but I don't think an inch and a half.
Not since yesterday.
But I measured myself three times! A half inch, plus one whole inch!
No, it's only a half an inch!
How do you know it's only half an inch?
Well...
Yeah, how do you know, Cindy?
I made the mark a half inch lower, so that Bobby would think he grew!
Cindy!
I'm sorry!
Well, that's okay, I still grew an inch!
No, only half an inch.
You did the same thing too? [Jan nods]
Well, a half inch isn't bad.
Bobby.
Oh, no.
I guess we should have checked with each other.
That's the dirtiest trick I've ever heard of!
[Bobby runs off.]
Bobby. They weren't trying to trick you. I don't think that what they did was right —
They were only trying to help.
They did it because they know it's true!
Now what's true?
I'm a shrimpo, a peewee, I'll never grow another inch as long as I live! [runs up the stairs]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Brady Bunch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.