TV show quotes
[upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics] Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is awesome!
"Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing". "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...
I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the whole game is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don't. (His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still) The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move? Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... (He succeeds) Yeah! That's some fine work. (He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)
This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even less functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. (He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: "YOU'RE WINNER!" He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.) Oh, no. No. (laughs humorously) Oh, no! No! (laughs even more humorously) "You're Winner" is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to "You win." Disappointing, I know.
But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says "You're a lose" or something like that. Here we go. [Crosses the finish line, "You win" screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion] What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!
These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? [Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop] There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as "cars", the "Ultranav" points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is "Ultranav" anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, "You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law." "Deliver your load to its destination."
What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game "delivers a load" all right - load of fucking shit! I'll deliver a load all over this fucking game! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're winner!" It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]
This is not even close to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.
You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out."? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think "Maybe there's still some work left to do?"
By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought "Wow. This is shit. But, E." Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.")
[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]
Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
It's Big Rigs!
Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks!
Big Rigs!
Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
Big Rigs!
Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
Big Rigs!
Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
With Big Rigs!
Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way!
When you're Big Rigs!
Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs!
Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS!!! Big Rigs.
Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid. (Screams wildly) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP! (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!
There was a game that was said to be even worse than Big Rigs. It was also a driving game and it's called Desert Bus. It was so unspeakable that it was cancelled before it was even released. It was one of six games included in Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors for the Sega CD. That's right, Penn & Teller were behind this. And if you haven't heard of them, well, how do I sum it up? Basically, they're two of the greatest entertainers of our time. They mix magic and comedy, they perform it live, they defy physics, they're funny as hell, they attack bullshit, and they've been doing it for nearly 40 years.
[while he explains about Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors] Of course the game was never released, but prior to its cancellation, it appeared on the Sega Visions magazine, and even made the front cover. The true reason it was cancelled was because the company, Absolute, went out of business. But like anything, the game found its way onto the Internet and has been circulated, people have played it, and it's become sort of a cult hit.
This is the game. You drive, drive, and drive. There's nothing out there, except for road and sand. Occasionally, there's a rock, or a sign. But that's it. There's no passengers to interact with, no music on the radio, nothing to keep you occupied, the road never turns, there's no other vehicles, and there's absolutely nothing. You can open the door with the B button. Basically, it makes a sound effect. That's a little something you can do to entertain yourself. [presses the B button as the bus opens the door] The bus can't go any faster than 45 miles per hour. I don't know why. Maybe Dennis Hopper has a bomb on it or something, so, there's no hope of speeding up this test of human attention span. So, how long is this trip? It's 360 miles to Las Vegas; at 45 miles per hour, that would mean eight hours. [his jaw drops open] THIS IS A FUCKING EIGHT-HOUR GAME! Whoever needs to take a road trip when you can simulate the whole experience in real-time on your Sega CD! [chuckles sarcastically] Aw, what were they thinking?!
Well, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna need several bathroom breaks. Let's pause it. [he tries to pause the game, but it honks the bus horn] What? The start button blows the horn. [he presses the Start button again and honks the bus horn again] There is no pause. You just have to keep driving! I wonder how many people have pissed their pants while playing this?! You can't even stop to get something to eat! The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says "No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?"
[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]
I'm drivin'. (hangs an air freshener on the camera)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
