But I'll never have the patience to get that far. I'll never even get a single point. Just gotta hold your thumb on this button for so long. [gets an idea] Wait. [exclaims and uses a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode] How do you like that trick, Penn & Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]
What, what? The fuck?! [grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to] It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. [The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and sighs deeply.] They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. [groans] They thought of everything. Goddamn you, Penn and Teller! [the bus runs out of gas] You have to sit here and drive the bus, just like in real life, and real life fucking sucks. [the tow truck noises are heard] Now I'm getting towed. Oh, boy. The towing is in real-time also! So, if you've driven 7 hours, does it take 7 hours for the game to start over? This is the most sadistic thing ever! There's no fun factor whatsoever. This makes Big Rigs look like a fucking party. Big Rigs isn't even a game, it has no challenge whatsoever, but here, the challenge comes from trying to stay awake from boredom!
[playing Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction] This game is a hack of Castlevania II by The Almighty Guru, as I said 10 years ago, the original game is full of problems.
NFThe Nerd from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review
How would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an oak stake at that orb?
One of the biggest problems in the game is how cryptic it is, and how none of the townspeople tell you anything that's useful. Instead of giving you clues like any other kind of adventure or RPG game, they just give you a bunch of nonsensical riddles. But here, in Castlevania II: Redaction, we have... real clues! Yeah! All the dialogue's been fixed, and now, it actually makes sense. I can't believe that somebody's actually been trying to fix this shitload of fuck. But what about the day-to-night transitions?
NFThe Nerd from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review
Why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real-life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air.
[In "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction", the box, which says, "THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT." appears, and the text moves faster, and so does the day-to-night transition. The Nerd is stunned.]
Wow, that was fast. I wish it was that fast in the original game. I wish it didn't happen at all, but hey, that's an improvement. In general, all the text moves a lot faster. I'm really digging the clues. It even tells me stuff I never even knew, like using Dracula's nail to take out blocks. [Simon destroys a block with Dracula's nail on his flame whip] I had no idea you could do that.
NFThe Nerd from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review
He doesn't look anything like Dracula. Instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper.
Even Dracula's face has been changed. It's still annoying how long it takes to collect hearts to buy stuff, and also those annoying invisible platforms are still there, but all these improvements are a good start. The most annoying cryptic thing of all, is how it never tells ya how to pass through the wall.
NFThe Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review
Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? You need to have a red crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.
[In "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction", the Nerd breaks a wall to find a clue, which says, "KNEEL AT THE END OF THE WASTES WITH THE RED CRYSTAL.", leaving him stunned. Then he drops the controller with happiness and shock.]
I've wanted to see that clue ever since I first played this. I've complained about it. Did uh... Did... my, my complaints... ring a bell? Did, did... did, uh.. Was.. w-- has the word of the Nerd been heard?! Have I contributed to how we look back at bad games? I've done it! It's not in vain! There is no retirement, the show must go on, I must continue reviewing shitty games because that's what the world needs! But where do I go from here?
[another montage of previous Angry Video Game Nerd clips are shown.]
I've had so many adventures within these four walls. I need to take the adventure outside! I need to go do something bigger! Something to top everything that I've already done! [sighs] But how do I do that?
[The Nerd thinks, then stares into the camera and nods as the episode ends, hinting at Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie.]
Beetlejuice. You know, great classic Tim Burton movie from the 80's starring Michael Keaton? At the time, it was probably one of the darkest and quirkiest comedies to get mainstream attention. It was a big deal; it had a cartoon show, and of course a video game, on the good old NES. With a movie that employs such a wide scope of imagination where anything can happen, that gives a lot of possibilities for a game. So I bet this could be great. Unless... [he reveals on the box that it was published by LJN, the company notorious for publishing horrible movie-based games on NES.] OHHHH, COME ON! WHY, WHY, WHY?! WHY?! NO-NO-NO-- [screams angrily] Of course! It was made by LJN. Made by LJN. You know, that's something everyone's always trying to correct me about. LJN was not a game developer, they were a publisher that contracted other companies to develop the games. I know that, but that doesn't change the fact, that every time this logo appears on a game it's guaranteed to be ass! If LJN published it, they still made it. It's an LJN game. So technically, this one was developed by Rare. Meaning it's a Rare fucking day when LJN makes a game that's not a 12-foot tall mound of dog shit! Rare was the same company that made Donkey Kong Country, and Killer Instinct! So, maybe we can have high hopes that this'll be okay... but on the other hand, Rare also developed other LJN "classics" such as Roger Rabbit, Nightmare on Elm Street, and made Battletoads, which is one of the worst two-player games of all time. So, how does Beetlejuice hold up? Let's turn on the juice, and see what shakes loose.
I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. We'll call this "Freeform Fuckery".
And at last, let's talk about the music. Don't expect to hear the familiar dark, mischievous Danny Elfman theme, no. In the tradition of all LJN games, they give ya somethin' original. [a snippet of the music plays] What kind of horseshit is this? This doesn't set the tone at all! It would be fine for other games. This is something you should hear if you're jumping around blowing bubbles in magic fairy-tale land, not a dark Tim Burton nightmare world. It would be like listening to... I don't know, the soundtrack to Mary Poppins while watching Requiem for a Dream? For this kind of inappropriate game soundtrack, we'll call it... "Bad Music". In conclusion, I could say the game is ass. It's a steaming pile of goat shit, horrible abomination of mankind, but the perfect way to sum it up... is it's an LJN game. It doesn't matter who actually developed it, they were hired by LJN. The welcome letter probably said something like this. "Welcome to our team of Laughing Joking Numbnuts. Here at LJN, we strive in creating the world's leading shitfests and providing to our customers the greatest raping of all their favorite films. We value your addition in helping us continue to grow the black plague of today's generation of gaming. Enclosed, you will find our handbook of policies and procedures in developing games with "Bouncing Bullshit", "Perpendicular Dick Ploys", "Bitch Barriers", "Inanimate Anal Assassinations", "Fruitless Farts", "Diarrhetic Diversions", "Freeform Fuckery", "Pinpoint Piss Taking", "Rat Trap Crap Shoots" and "Bad Music". We are proud to have you on board." Well, fuck this game, watch it go! [places the cartridge on the floor and smashes it to pieces with his foot] Hyah! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! It's showtime! I've seen The Exorcist 167 times, it keeps getting funnier every fucking time! Happy Halloween, motherfucker!
[After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ALF on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form "ALF" or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying "Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass." (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!
