It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)
You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd. Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. [referring to LJN.] Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. [The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.] Hmm. [shrugs his shoulders.] Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!
The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! Fuck! Dah! These beers are like the rock in Friday the 13th, and I already told you how bad that is. [his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen] Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. [groans in disgust]
It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist AVGN vs. Dr. Wily by ABOhiccups?
[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]
It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. [a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.] Yeah, that's me!
So basically, it's Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I'm in it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.
After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so fuckin' awesome?
The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try Dungeons & Dickholes. [in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd] Now this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. I came up with this! What was I thinking?!
And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, it's...Fred Fuchs. [spelled "Fred Fucks" in-game.] It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! [growls] FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH! [screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts] Got 'im! [in-game Nerd's text says, "Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!"]
Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! FUCK THIS GAME!
[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: *FILE DELETED*.]
Take that, game.
(on Where's Waldo) It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in this?! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALDO?! He doesn't even know where he is!
(after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo) Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. [he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]
The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. [powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II] What? Ghostbusters II?
[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]
Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
[smiling] Now, that's funny.
You imbeciles!
I've always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.
[reviews Home Improvement] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim "The Toolman" Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says "REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS"! Very funny.
[playing Pit Fighter on SNES] As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it has to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played! Worse than Super Noah's Ark 3D, worse than Shaq-Fu, worse than Wizard of Oz, worse than Lester the Unlikely! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode Double Dragon was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is way more fun than Pit Fighter.
[after he plays Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet for the PlayStation] Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE! [sighs] All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage, on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games. They're all terrible! But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
And what do I hear? ["The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath plays] It's The Mob Rules, by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the same song, just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! [16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's "The Mob Rules" solo playing] I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...LJN! The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]
["White Storm Dam" plays]
[in shock and happiness] My God. Oh, my God. THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH! OH, MY GOD! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT! OH, MY GOD! THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!
This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. I usually stick to consoles, and I don't usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not the worst game ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.