But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the Playstation 3. You're gonna be able to play X-Box games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
VAVideo Armageddon Host
Come up here, my little beauties!!
CCrowd
6! 6! 6!
Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
[Reviewing the Miracle Piano] Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! [begins tapping keys rapidly] Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
[reviewing the Power Pad and playing World Class Track Meet with it] It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.
Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire!"
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fuckin' thing on my head.
It also advertises that "Parents will love what they don't hear." It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah. While you're saying, "Fire! Fire! Fire!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fuck! [game shoots] I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!" Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! [shifts to Duck Hunt.] Fuck! Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck!"
[of the Roll & Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock on the Roll & Rocker! [drinks more Rolling Rock]
[Playing Super Mario Bros. with the U-Force] Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.
AAVGN
All right, let's play some shitty games. Now I have three games here based on the Indiana Jones trilogy. Trilogy? Oh, shit! There's a fourth movie coming out! Yeah, tomorrow in fact! For 19 years, we've been calling it the Indiana Jones trilogy. But now, it's the last day when we can actually call it that. Now, I'm psyched. I mean you can just tell, I'm all ready. So, to celebrate the occasion, let's pop this fucker in!
AAVGN
If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a door?!
AAVGN
(Reviewing Temple of Doom for NES) What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.
AAVGN
All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
EEnemy
Huh! Huh!
AAVGN
Huh! It should be a dance. (Pretends he's whipping) Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!
AAVGN
(reviewing The Last Crusade on NES) How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?
AAVGN
What dumbasses made this game? Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.
[A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]
Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? [The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis] You can have Genesis!
[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]
No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. [to air] You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. [a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.] You're a Metron.
MMetron
Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?
Not really.
MMetron
You surprise me.
How?
MMetron
By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.
Mercy this, motherfucker! [shoots the Metron]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Angry Video Game Nerd pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.