The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

(As Gomez) I think it's a shitload of fuck!

(As Fester) Think you'd better shut your ass!

(As Fester) That's the last guy. It's over.

(As Wednesday) That's just the first boss.

(As Fester) That's the last guy.

(As Gomez) It's not.

(As Fester) I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

What have you got here?

Bunch of shit.

I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. (Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge) How much is this one right here?

A hundred.

A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?

No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?

I - I'll take it for 50.

..It's a hundred.

It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?

I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!

This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.

That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.

Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

(after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface) You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!

Hey, hey! Settle down.

I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-

Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? (knocks the Nerd out with his banjo) Batter-up, bitch boy! (starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings) Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

(while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game) How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? (cackles)

Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. (the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape) Oh, shit!

Trick-or-treat!

The Nerd

Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! [grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing]

Ewwwwww!!

The Nerd

There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.

That's not chocolate, that's poop.

The Nerd

It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's shit!

Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

Yeah, I want some candy!

The Nerd

Oh, yeah. [puts "Halloween" Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.] Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! [gives it to Optimus Prime]

What the heck is this?

The Nerd

It's an Atari game.

What the heck is an Atari, you dope?

The Nerd

Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.

First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.

The Nerd

[gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime] There you go. Have fun.

Hey, you dope! I want some candy!

Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!"

This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote Full Metal Jacket, "It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite."

(upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second) Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - (imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward) MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fuckin' 69 a grizzly bear while shovin' King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fuckin' stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste! Man, fuck this game, FUCK IT TO HELL, FUCK IT TO OBLIVION, FUCK IT TO DAMNATION OF MANKIND!!!

(receiving Home Alone 2 for the NES in a gift-wrapped box) Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up.

Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fuckin' ladder! There's birds shittin' all over me! Get up the fuckin' ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! (yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES) Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKIN' CUNT! PIECE OF SHIT! (hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet) Shitty games! All my life! Shitty fuckin' games! I hate shitty fuckin' games! And I hate shitty fuckin' Christmas because shitty fuckin' Christmas means more shitty fuckin' games! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKIN' HUMBUG IT TO HEEEEEEEEELL!