The Angry Video Game Nerd quotes

Bugs Bunny

Nyah, ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?!

The Nerd

Ain't you a goddamn fockin' pieceashit!

The Nerd

[after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him] I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! [headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]

Bugs

[while being pummeled] Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!

The Nerd

[kicks him in the face] I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of shit!

The Nerd

[While punching Bugs Bunny] BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!

The Nerd

[after pummeling Bugs to the ground] Ya wanna Shoruyken?!!

The Nerd

You want some shit? [drops his pants] BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! [diarrhea falls through a fake ass]

Bugs

Nyyyyaaah, [diarrhea pours onto his face] oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!

The Nerd

Ugh, man! [takes off fake ass] Don't worry, folks. It's not real. [Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress] [while giving middle finger] Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! [gives middle finger through fake asshole] FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! [tosses fake ass] There you go. Got your ass handed to you. [iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig] Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! [raises middle finger]

(playing Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I think it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!

(playing Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf! I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!

Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? "Have you played Atari today?" Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

'Member that shitty movie The Wizard? and that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)

As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)

There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Tedphone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

(reading letters) "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"

(As Fester) You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the Ninja Turtles? (a reference to the Nerd's review of the third Ninja Turtles movie)

(As Wednesday) This game better stop suckin' ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!