Why don’t we split up into two groups…
Oh! [Waves his hand in the air.]
What?
Can I be in your group?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Don’t do anything stupid.
Yeah.
Like for example, if a fly lands on me check and walks across my top lip don’t go [sniffs loudly] and suck it up my nose. ‘Cause that would be stupid.
That would be stupid and dumb and wrong.
I did that once. It was stupid. [Goes to walk off stage but turns around.] No I really did do it. It was a weird moment. As it was walking across there I just couldn’t help but think, I reckon I could catch that! And I went [sniffs] and I caught, and I did! It was stupid.
Gee, nightfall comes quickly on this island. Must be something to do with no daylight savings in Brisbane.
I can’t stop thinking about homos. Lots and lots of lovely homos. It’s my favourite Lebanese dip.
Hummus!
Hummus!
It’s pronounced hummus!
Col, I’ve gotta be honest with you.
What?
I’m a little bit uncomfortable about how much swearing there has been on the show.
What?
In the show, there’s been too much swearing.
We’re on an island. We’re dying alright?
Yes but there, you know, we’re a very visual act. And so often, you know, sometimes kids come.
What?
There might be kids here and you know what? We’re not setting a very good example with all the language. I don’t feel like, are there any kids here tonight? Any kids at all? Here you are. What about this little, what’s your name mate? James. How old are you James? James is nine. He’s nine. You’re a role model for him.
If I’m his role model, he should get out more. I swear. There’s plenty of other role models okay?
James, I just wanna make it very clear to you okay? That um, even though we’re swearing in our show, a little bit, we’re certainly not encouraging you to ever use the word fuck.
What are you doing?
I need to make this clear. Don’t ever say fuck James. Don’t say fuck.
What?
If you said fuck James, that would be very bad. But we can say fuck because we’re in a show. In shows you can say fuck. Once, James, once we were in this show called the chickens. And it went for eight months. It was like a festival show. And it went for eight months and in the whole show all we ever did was go ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ it was a great show! But it was a show. Can you see the difference? You know, in a show you can say fuck, but you should never. Like for example, if your mum ever says to you ‘come on James it’s time for bed.’ Don’t turn around and go ‘that’s fuck.’ Don’t. Because if you, if you said that James, if you said that, do you know what that would be? That would be fuck. And I can say that 'cause I’m in a show. And I’m sure your father agrees with me, at least I certainly hope he does because he’s, he’s quite a large muscular man!
Are we going to do a song?
I’m doing a song. Piss off.
[Every time the word 'salt' is said, an ominous noise happens.]
We’ve gotta make some changes. We’ve got food, we’ve got water, what we need is leadership.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I’ve had a bit of a chat with myself and I reckon from now on you should call me something like, um, king. Okay, and um…
Col?
What?
There’s no way in the world that I’m ever gonna treat you as my king. [Colin gives Frank a nipple cripple.] Stop it, you’re hurting me your highness.
Okay that’s good. I’ll be King Col. ‘Old King Cole, what a merry old sole, what a merry old sole was he.’
Have you heard the second verse? It goes ‘Old King Cole, what a massive ass hole.’ Why do you get to be king? It’s not fair.
I’m you king, do not insult me! [Bam, bam] I said insult all right? I didn’t… [Bam, bam] I didn't say salt alright, I… [Bam, bam]
You’d better stop doing that mate or he’ll assault you. [Bam, bam] And he can do that cause he’s the king. He’s the sultan! [Bam, bam.]
[Trying to kill a chicken.]
What was your idea hummus boy?
You’re not gonna regret this king kong.
I hope I’m not.
[Frank retrieves the fire extinguisher and sprays the chicken.]
Hey, hey!
Gotcha!
What are you doing?
I’m eating the chicken.
You can’t kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher! That fire extinguisher is not on the island you idiot. It was from the theatre.
Col, we’re starving to death. I don’t think now is the time for rigid adherences to theatrical convention.
Look you idiot, if you can kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher that means if you want sweets you just go into the foyer and get a Kit Kat!
Well, I can’t do that 'cause I don’t have any money, because my wallet went down in the plane. Get a bit of brainage!
Give me the chicken.
No.
Give me the bird!
[Frank gives Col the middle finger.]
Get down here so I can kill you!
Well, that's an enticing invitation!
Have you seen Lord of the Rings?
No.
That trilogy of films, that’s the most successful trilogy of films in all history and you know why?
Why?
It had a happy ending. It won 11 Oscars 'cause it had a happy ending. 'Cause Frodo gets the ring and he throws it into the volcano at the end he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He gets it back. Into the volcano with that big eye. I don’t know what that was all about. And he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He goes through all those trials and tribulations but at the end he gets it back. He throws it in. it’s a happy ending. IT TOOK HIM NINE, FUCKING, HOURS! But he gets it back, he gets it in. it’s a happy ending. It’s happy. It’s a happy ending.
[Grabs the fire extinguisher.] Col, come over here.
No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.
I’ve come up with a new end for the show.
Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…
You know how it ends?
Yeah, but…
It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ [Tries to spray Col with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.] Okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE!
[Colin turns and walks to the side of the stage. Frank follows.]
TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERRING TO THE BACK!
[Colin drinks a bottle of water.]
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.
[Colin finishes his drink and walks back to the centre of the stage.]
TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!
[There’s a long pause. Colin beckons Frank over, and says rather calmly,] If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. [Another pause.] Take that into your backface.
Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! [He whacks Colin in the face with the extinguisher.]
I did eat him, but I didn't kill him. He was already dead when I ate him. And I ate everything there was of him. His arms, his legs, his head, his little ball bag. I ate everything, Your Honour. And it wasn’t that tasty.
The relevant thing here is that I ate Frank, but I didn't kill him. And may I say when I did eat him I had the worst diarrhoea I’ve ever had in my life. Which proves once and for all that Frank really did give me the shits!
Do you sense their enchantment?
I sense their bewilderment!
YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!
Don't call me that!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Adventures of Lano and Woodley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.