Raphael quotes from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1987)

Whoa buds. That was one totally radical ride.

Now all we gotta worry about is getting to shore.

Raphael

We've got bigger problems than that, Leonardo.

[To Raphael] You're always looking for trouble.

Raphael

[points] Oh yeah? Well, this time the trouble's looking for us.

Yikes. It's Moby Dick's big brother.

I promise, dudes. I'll never eat another anchovy pizza again.

Raphael

I got news for you. You may never eat another pizza, period.

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NANews Anchor

And I repeat. Two delinquents are on a rampage in Times Square. One wears a rhinoceros mask, the other a warthog mask.

It's Rocksteady and Bebop.

I wonder why the temper tantrum?

Raphael

Beats me. Maybe they passed a mirror and saw what they looked like [chuckles].

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This waiting is getting on my nerves.

Raphael

Don't worry. It'll be over soon.

And he'll be here any minute. And then we do what we do best!

Raphael

Yeah.

Pizza! Ta da!

Mm. Good stuff, Michelangelo.

[Splinter arrives] Uh, master Splinter. I know you don't dig pizza. [He holds a sushi tray] So I got you a sushi tray.

It is thoughtful of you, Michelangelo, but I'm afraid I'm not hungry.

Raphael

[to Michelangelo] He didn't want it.

I don't blame him. Raw fish! Yech!

Splinter's been acting mondo depressed lately. What do you suppose is bringing him down?

Raphael

He's probably worried about Shredder's next move.

I don't think that's it. I think master Splinter misses being human.

Oh, I think you got it, bro. Like, wouldn't it be rad if we could grant him his wish?

Raphael

Yeah, but a chemical that can change a rat into a human ain't easy to come by, even in this city.

Hold it, guys. I think I've got just the thing. Follow me.

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What a story. And the remarkable thing is, they were defeated by four half-teenagers and half-turtles.

Raphael

Hey. And let's not forget one half-man and half-rat, huh?

Hey, I just realized something. I'm the only 100 percent human being in this place.

Aw, don't feel bad, April. Nobody's perfect.

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[Splinter attacks the turtles and throws them around the lair]

You are losing your fighting edge, my turtles. Were it Shredder who attacked you, he would not be so lenient.

Raphael

Aw, come on, Master Splinter, we already sent chrome-dome and Krang to the Earth's core.

Yeah, right. Those dudes are totally dusted.

Without positive proof, it would be unwise to assume that Shredder and Krang have been vanquished. Beyond that, may I remind you that you are still crime fighters, and that the streets of this city are still filled with crime. I suggest doing each ninja exercise twice. You obviously need the practice.

Well, you heard Master Splinter. Let's do it!

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You don't understand. We're trying to save the world from an invasion by an alien brain from Dimension X.

CKClayton Kellerman

Oh come on, that's a little hard to swallow.

Raphael

What is? The invasion, the brain or the Dimension X?"

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[The Turtles learn from Kellerman that he's going to keep badmouthing them in public despite them having just saved his life.]

Aw, man. What a scuzzbucket.

[To April] Well, at least you still got the video tape of us tangling with Shredder.

Right. That'll prove we're not villains.

April O'Neil

Sorry guys, but my camera was totalled during the battle. [shows her camera into immune, which has indeed been totalled.]

Oh great. Our name's still mud in this city. [The turtles turn around disconsolant and start walking home.]

Total bummer, dudes.

Raphael

Some days it just doesn't pay to come out of your shell.

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Thank you, turtles. I feel like such an overgrown klutz.

Now, Irma, it's not that bad.

Yes, it is. I'll never be normal again.

Aw, lighten up, Irma. It's no biggie.

No biggie?! (cries)

Raphael

Oh, nice work, Michelangelo. You and your big mouth.

Big mouth?!? Waah!

Hey! Cut it out! I just had my shell turtle-wacks.

And I used to think it would be fun to be tall!?

Raphael

No, Irma, don't!

Oops! I did it again.

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[The Turtles have just been beaten in a practice fight with Shredder whilst in Splinter's body.]

Raphael

Oh man. He whipped our shells, but good.

There's something strange. I know sensei's fighting style. And that wasn't it.

Yeah. Do you know who it reminded me of?

LMLeonardo, Michaelangelo, Donatello, Raphael

SHREDDER?!

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[a bonk to the head has given him amnesia, so he believes that he is D'Artagnan] Come, my comrades. There are wrongs to be righted, and damsels to be saved. And you Musketeers aren't even dressed. [throws clothes towards Raphael, Donatello and Michaelangelo, who all catch them]

Uh, my fault guys. I left the costumes that April sent over in Leonardo's room.

Raphael

Clever move, brainiac.

MSMaster Splinter

Actually, Donatello did the right thing. You must humour him by putting on these costumes.

Pretend we're musketeers? Bogus dude.

Raphael

Look, I'd give Leonardo the shell off my back, ok? But I am not wearing lace with feathers and that's final.

Same here.

Ditto. [They are now dressed in the costumes].

Raphael

I feel pretty stupid.

Same here.

Ditto.

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What do you mean we don't exist?

We've been transported to some alternate world. It's just like ours except for one important difference.

What's that?

We Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles never lived. Why else would our best friends April and Irma run away from us?

Raphael

Maybe it's our breath.

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Don't do it, Michelangelo!

It's no use, Leonardo. Don't try talking me out of it.

Raphael

You don't know what you're letting yourself in for.

A turtle's gotta do what a turtle's gotta do.

Please, Michelangelo, don't go for pizza! It's raining cats and dogs.

Raphael

And the dough gets real soggy.

Besides, there is still one last box of pizza mix in the cupboard.

There is? All right! Well, let's get cooking!

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Raphael

Hey, Donatello, I thought you fixed this.

Whoa! I did, and now it's fixing us!

I'll handle this!

Raphael

This beats everything. Now what are we gonna have for dinner?

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Raphael

Smooth move, Michelangelo. What are you doing with that stupid cap on?

[to Michelangelo] And why did you take the starcruiser?

Oh, I took the starcruiser to earn some extra dough delivering pizzas.

Raphael

Extra dough? You mean pizza dough.

Never mind that, dudes. I just found out I've been hauling pizzas for Shredder.

Shredder?

Raphael

Boy, I know the villain business has been bad lately, but that's ridiculous.

No, listen, Shredder put a homing device in the pizza, disguised as an anchovy. It was supposed to lead him to our lair.

LDLeonardo and Donatello

Ahh!

Shredder's gonna be really steamed. When he finds out he's following the Rat King.

He's gonna be even madder when he finds out we're following him. Come on!

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MSMaster Splinter

As for you, April, I hope this has taught you a lesson.

It certainly has. I learned that a disguise is a great way to get a story. There's a convention of bald-headed diplomats in town next week. Maybe I could pass as one of them?

Well, what do you think?

Raphael

Paint that thing green and you could pass as one of us.