Taxi · Season 1
You aren't by any chance dating my father, are you?
Dating your father? [laughs] Alex, that's absurd!
Oh, thank you. That's a relief. I mean, that would be ludicrous, wouldn't it?
Oh, now listen. I think I know what happened. I have been seeing Joe, the guy that you were with here the other day. Someone obviously mistook him for your father.
Yeah, me and my mother.
[stuffing cash into Alex's pockets paying off a bet he just lost] Take it and die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die with festering boils! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!
He's turning the room into a shelter. Louie is determined to survive.
Oh yeah? Well I wish he'd put it for a vote.
I once lived with a woman for three years before I realized I loved her. In fact, I lived with her for three years before I realized I lived with her. What a woman! I might have married her.
Why didn't you?
I said I might have. I don't remember.
You were wonderful, you were charming, and you said your name was Vic.
Vic! Oooh, that - Vic! I am not Vic! I don't even like Vic! Listen, sit down, please! Tell me everything! What did you do with Vic last night?
You mean, you don't remember?
No.
[guilty] Well, I don't know what to say. I can't say that...
I knew it! You made love with Vic!
Well, I did, but...
You made love with another man right under my nose!
Well, there was no other way! Besides, that was you!
Was I clumsy? Did I whimper?
No, you were wonderful.
Then it wasn't me!
[Louie has just brought in a Pac-Man video game into the garage, and is explaining to Jim about the game]
You see this yellow circle? See? What you need to do, is move it around with this stick, and eat up all the dots.
[starting forward; excited] Oh!
[stopping him] Wait, wait! There's more!
[amazed] MORE?
Yes! More! You see those monsters? These monsters chase you around the maze and they try to eat you.
[eyes bugging out] WHOA!
[struggling to hold the excited Jim back] Iggy, Iggy... easy now, you see- you see those flashing blue lights? Those are energizers, if you eat them, the- the monsters turn blue and if you eat them... you get points for eating them!
[shaking Louie, unable to control his enthusiasm] Please, boss! Please! Please!
[still struggling to hold Jim back] Boy! I love his enthusiasm!
Sorry but I can't let you quit because I wouldn't want you to let me quit. We've got a symbiotic relationship, Tony.
Hey Lucius, I don't know what you're getting at here. But I swear I'm not the least bit attracted to you.
You mean, they didn't tell you they were going to tear down your apartment building?
Well, you put up with a few minor inconveniences when you live in a condemned building.
[In a flashback to Louie's days as a driver] All dispatchers are scum.
[explaining to his mother in a flashback scene why he wants to move to America] In America, a man can become another O.J. Simpson!
Who is O.J. Simpson?
The JUICE!
Jim, your father is no longer with us.
He never was. He lives in Boston.
No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place.
A condo in Palm Beach?
What is the terrible thing, is that I'm going to be brave in the face of death and my wife will never know. She'll think I died the sniveling coward that I lived.
You're considered a hero here. Don't you know that?
I am not a hero. I am a stinkbug.
I have bad news for you my darling. I have been faithful to you.
Oh no!
Now this is where I get confused. If I can only get over this part I know I can help.
Now, peel me like a grape so I can get out of here!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Taxi pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
