Shakin' the tree, folks. Shakin' the tree. Excuse me. Greg. Are you kidding?
Greg HirschHey, Tom.
Forgive me, but uh... We talkin' to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather bitten face? No? Then why the fuck are you wearing a pair of deck shoes, man?
Greg Hirsch
Oh... Yeah... No, well my credit card got maxed out, I'm staying in a youth hostel on, like, $80 a day.
Jesus. How squalid. Dude, are you carrying dog shit?
Greg Hirsch
No... No, it's uh... It's free, right? Is that cool? I mean, I don't want to be melodramatic, but my body is growing weak due to a lack of sustenance.
(bewildered) But in a dog poop baggie?
Greg Hirsch
Yeah, I have a bunch of 'em from back home...
Greg Hirsch
Not really. It's not like they pre-poop them or something, like, it's not like... They're just bags, really. It's just a mental barrier.
Greg Hirsch
I'm in Canada.
Excuse me? Canada? Canada, with the healthcare and the ennui? Why's that, cocksock?
Greg Hirsch
Um... I'm driving my grandpa down for Thanksgiving.
Oh, Greg, fuck your grandpa.
Greg Hirsch
Okay, you're on, you're on speakerphone, Tom.
[long pause] Well, I shouldn't be, Greg.
Oh my God, dude! That was insane!
Greg Hirsch
Oh yeah?
Yeah. Me and this girl, we go into this side room, and we start making out, and then, I'm touching her and then she goes down on me, and then I splooge in her mouth, y'know and-- g-- I know! I know! And get this: she kisses me and puts it back in my mouth, and I swallow!
Greg Hirsch
Which, the cum?
Greg Hirsch
L-- Listen uh... so yeah-- c-- can I ask you something? On the-- on the front level?
Yeah. You worried about what you did in Cruises?
Greg Hirsch
What we did? No... no. Uh... No, I was gonna ask you about this Sam guy, do you know him?
"Ratfucker Sam?" Yeah, sure. You know he background checked me before I started dating Shiv?
Greg Hirsch
Wow. Yeah, so, what's his-- what-- what's h-- er-- is he... like what's his competency? Is he-- is he... nice?
"Is he nice?" You're asking about the moral character of a man named Ratfucker Sam? He is a fucking piece of fucking shit is what he is.
You know, uh, Greg... I know that, um... it wasn't cool, you know. The bottles, the attack.
Greg Hirsch
[sighs] No, it didn't feel great.
I don't always like who I am, Greg.
Greg Hirsch
Yeah, I-- I get that. But don't you think it might be just the right time for me to make a move?
Seriously, Greg? You're smart, you're ambitious, you're loyal. Why would I let you go? Come on.
Greg Hirsch
Okay, wait. I have a thing, but I-- I'm reluctant to say.
Greg Hirsch
[sighs] I-- I just-- I have some leverage, but I'm reluctant to use it. You know, in case it sours things for us.
Greg Hirsch
I just-- Um... Well, I'm not bringing this up as any form of threat, but... [sighs] So, you know when you had me destroy those documents at Cruises?
Greg Hirsch
Well, I-- I kept it--
[indistinct chatter from passersby]
Greg Hirsch
I kept a few... o-- of them. Just in case I got in trouble, and 'cause I was worried that maybe I was destroying evidence of criminality.
Greg Hirsch
So, like, I don't know. Would it be... I don't wanna bring anything up to you in a way that feels, like, horrible, but would it be bad for me to, like, mention those to you now?
Are you asking if you can blackmail me?
Greg Hirsch
No, I'm not-- I would-- I would hate that. I like you, it's just, you know, context.
Very well. I accept your blackmail.
Greg Hirsch
No, I'm not blackmailing you Tom--
Greg Hirsch
No!
Greg Hirsch
I'm not!
Greg... I'm gonna accelerate you. Okay? New title. Ton more money, nice new office. You're moving up, you can throw away the training bra. Seat at the big table. You like that?
[Greg smiles and nods]
Greg Hirsch
Yeah. I like that.
You fucki-- Look at you. Where are they, those papers?
Greg Hirsch
I'll never tell.
[laughs] You're a fuckin' slime ball!
Greg Hirsch
No!
[slaps Gregs arms] Attaboy!
CCongresswoman
Mr. Hirsch, please rise. Raise your right hand. Do you swear that the testimony you are about to give this committee is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you, God?
Greg
I do.
CCongresswoman
Please take a seat. Senator Eavis, it's your time.
SGSenator Gil Eavis
Gregory Hirsch, executive assistant to Tom Wambsgans, is that correct?
Greg
Yes. Yes, if it is to be said.
Greg
If it is to be said, so it be--so it is.
Greg
Uh, yes. I merely wish to answer in the affirmative fashion.
You can speak to us normally.
Greg
Ok--no--thank you, sir. So I shall.
Greg, what do you know about, um... Nero and Sporus?
Greg Hirsch
Nero and...
Greg Hirsch
Spor--
Greg, yeah. Sporus was a young slave boy. He was Nero's favorite. And, uh... you know what Nero did to him?
Greg Hirsch
N-Nero and Sporus. I don't-- this is not IP I'm familiar with.
Well, Nero... pushed his wife... down the stairs. And uh... and then he had Sporus castrated and he married him instead. And he gave him a ring. And he made him dress up like his dead wife.
Greg Hirsch
Wow! Plot twist! Didn't see that coming.
Yeah, I bought a book on the Romans to read in prison. It's a big book.
Greg Hirsch
Well, is it a good book?
It's a decent book, yeah. I'd castrate you and marry you in a heartbeat.
Nobody tells jokes anymore do they? Karl, do you have any jokes?
I'm saying, Karl... it's a bit dry in here.
Um, uh, well, let me think, um... [stammering]
Oh, dry as fucking dust. Come on! Roast me! Hmm? Give me a drubbing! Frank, start. Be funny.
Uh, it's not really my thing, Chief.
Oh, so, what? You don't think I can take it?
No, it's just not my style. I mean, I can. Uh, the thing about Logan Roy is... T-- uh, the thing about Logan is he's a tough old nut. [laughs]
Oh, Christ. Sid fucking Caesar. Greggy.
Greg Hirsch
You're mean. [clears throat] You're mean. You're a mean, old man. You're-- you're a mean, old bastard. Uh, and you scare the life out of folks. That's your thing. You're scaring me right now. And-- and that's why I don't even know how-- what to do.
Who wants to smell Greg's finger. Hey? Guess the scent, win a buck.
[Greg chuckles softly]
Greg Hirsch
Where are your kids? Where's all your kids, Uncle Logan? On your big birthday?
Well, where's your old man, huh? Where's your old man? Still sucking cock at the county fair?
[Greg exhales sharply and smirks]
Gerri, been sent anything funny lately?
All a bit horrible for me. Thanks, Logan.
I'm not being horrible. I'm being fun. Fucking Munsters.
Greg Hirsch
Hey, everyone.
Greg Hirsch
Hey.
Um. In case it comes out, we wanted you to be aware that you're on a piece of paper. Uh, a side letter left by Logan with... some wishes and disbursements.
Greg Hirsch
Okay. Uh. Eh. Yeah. In-- in what, uh, capacity? In-- in what fashion?
You're in addendum of miscellaneous matters in pencil... with a question mark.
Greg Hirsch
Nevertheless.
Dad may have said he wanted me to take over.
Greg Hirsch
And so then, maybe the natural conclusion might perhaps be, I'd be his number two.
He-- he probably wrote it down so he can remember your name.
Greg Hirsch
Hmm. We had a good rapport.
You had a good rapport? I feel like he already wanted to see less of you. That's probably, like, 50/50, fire Greg or kill Greg.
Greg Hirsch
Mm. I think that it's not that kind of question mark. I think it's, uh, um, possibly-- It's a wonder.
It's a doodle. We just wanted you to be aware.
Succession · 117 quotes
