Roman Roy quotes from Succession

Roman Roy

Oh, we're not surprising him, are we? Oh, this is- Oh, he's gonna love this. I think the last time I surprised him he took a swing at me.

Logan Roy

[receiving a gift from Connor] Oh, wonderful. What is it?

Connor Roy

Well...

Roman Roy

Oh yes, yes, it's a goo. It's a fucking goo?

Shiv Roy

It's perfect.

Connor Roy

It's sourdough starter. I thought that you might like to make something.

Logan Roy

Ohh... great.

Connor Roy

Yeah, okay. You shouldn't have opened it. Never mind. Forget it. It was an idea. I thought you might like it.

Logan Roy

I do, I do. I just don't know what the fuck it is!

Roman Roy

Dad made me COO.

Kendall Roy

I don't think so, dude. Dad wasn't thinking straight.

Roman Roy

I think he was.

Kendall Roy

You? The Chief Operating Officer?

Roman Roy

Yep.

Kendall Roy

I mean if that wasn't a sign he was loco in the coco, I don't know what it is.

Kendall Roy

You know sometimes when you leave the party and you wonder what everyone's saying about you?

Roman Roy

With me it's usually "Who's that young Han Solo and how do I get his dick in my ass?"

Frank Vernon

You sure it was him?

Kendall Roy

You think a lot of people come in here and take a piss?

Gerri Kellman

Maybe someone spilled something.

Kendall Roy

Yeah, maybe the massive fucking ice sculpture I forgot about melted. It's urine.

Roman Roy

This isn't a false flag, is it? Did you piss on your own floor?

Kendall Roy

Why are you looking like that? W-what if people knew? Gerri, you gotta talk to him.

Gerri Kellman

What do you want me to say?

Roman Roy

Well, first tell him where to go pee pee and poo poo.

Kendall Roy

He came in, he was talking to Stewy. What's he gonna do next, start jizzing in my coffee? Take a dump on my iPad?

Roman Roy

I went to the market and I bought a crack pipe...

Connor Roy

That's terrible.

Roman Roy

No? All right. I went to the market and I bought a gimp suit.

Tom Wambsgans

And I'm thankful that I am going to be marrying into one of the most vital and interesting and kind and loving families in the world.

Roman Roy

Are you not going to be marrying Shiv anymore?

Connor Roy

This family's broken. And that has consequences. A missed phone call today, a couple dozen kids lose their jobs in China. Butterfly wings, but bigger, huge wings. Like a pterodactyl, or the Smithsonian. So...[raises glass in toast] ...let's fix our wings.

Roman Roy

Barely comprehensible.

Tom Wambsgans

So, does that mean we're able to... fuck here?

Roman Roy

Yeah. Hey, Ken, what do you think of the pussycat? On it?

Kendall Roy

No, not me. Business is my fucking.

Roman Roy

Great. I'll find you a Bloomberg terminal to stick your dick in.

Roman Roy

Where do you buy your suits, by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that's why I'm just not moving as fast as you. I just don't have that, like, boxy, corporate look. Right? I mean, sorry, but, like, what the fuck? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh-- what's wrong with your body, man?

Shiv Roy

Rome, come on. There's nothing wrong with his body, it's just fuckin' suits.

Shiv Roy

What? Come on, we-- we've laughed about it before.

Roman Roy

You have?

Shiv Roy

Yeah. He's thrifty, and he has the worst taste in suits.

Roman Roy

Totally has terrible ta-- You look like a divorce attorney from the Twin Cities.

Shiv Roy

It's partly the walk. It's like a real...

Roman Roy

Robot?

Shiv Roy

No, agricultural walk.

Roman Roy

Agricultural walk!

Shiv Roy

You know, I tried to get, uh, one of his suits tailored by the guy that dad uses.

Roman Roy

Mm-hmm.

Shiv Roy

But he looked just so like--

Hey, Shiv? Fuck off.

Logan Roy

[finding out that Roman tried to betray him] Roman, did someone get at you?

Roman Roy

Dad, I didn't betray you.

Kendall Roy

[holding Roman's phone] Then what's this call from today? Why are you talking to her? [Naomi Pierce]

Roman Roy

[nervously] Come on, man. [to Logan] I wasn't trying to fuck the deal. I was trying to land the deal. I was trying to help. I... I thought it would be a nice surprise.

Logan Roy

[short pause] Roman, you're a moron.

Kendall Roy

[to Logan on Roman] Boar on the Floor, wouldn't you say?

Roman Roy

[to Kendall] Fuck you. [to Logan] I am not a moron, dad.

Logan Roy

[short pause] How much is a gallon of milk?

Roman Roy

What?

Logan Roy

How much is a gallon of milk?

Roman Roy

I don't know. I mean, who the fuck knows, dad? Literally no one knows. Who gives a shit?

Logan Roy

Ray!

Yeah.

Logan Roy

How much is a gallon of milk?

Uh-- Uh, wh-- I mean, like regular milk, or, uh...

Logan Roy

I am surrounded by snakes and fucking morons! You're a bunch of silk-stocking fucks! [pause] Who backs me on Pierce?! Hmm?! Who?!

Kendall Roy

None of them do, dad. They're all against it, okay? Karl's lying, Ray's lying, Gerri's playing both sides.

Logan Roy

[pause] Well, [laughs] here's news: We are going after it. And what's more. [pointing to everyone in the dining room, in furious anger] I. Will. Win!

Hugo Baker

And Roman, the safe place is the three R's, okay?

Roman Roy

Yeah.

Hugo Baker

Regret. It happened a long time ago. Responsibility. Belongs to individuals and not corporations. Remedy. Super tough, super vague. The move is condemn and move on. Got it?

Roman Roy

Yeah, got it.

Hugo Baker

Okay.

Gerri Kellman

Right, and if you need to smash glass in case of emergency, it's enough of that and back to the session: "Family Ownership & Corporate Continuity in the Digital Age."

Logan Roy

Whatever the fuck that means.

He's here.

Roman Roy

Who's here?

Kendall Roy

Connor. Send him in.

Roman Roy

Right. Thought I heard a clown car pulling up.

Roman Roy

Does Sandy really have syphilis? What if he has sores all over his body? What if his groin's all eaten away and the top half of him just falls off?

Gerri Kellman

Syphilis... I think we started that rumor.

Karl Muller

I don't know. Late-stage symptom is dementia, I believe.

Roman Roy

Yeah, you've been doing some panicky late-night googling there, Karl?

Roman Roy

I feel like I just have to put it out there. Say it. Since there's an 85 billion dollar baby on the table here. How do I know he's not your... meat puppet?

Oh, I just do what my dad tells me, like you guys.