Tom Wambsgans quotes from Succession

Tom Wambsgans

Look, here's the thing about being rich. Okay? It's fucking great. Okay? It's like being a superhero, only better. You get to do what you want, the authorities can't really touch you, you get to wear a costume, but it's designed by Armani, and it doesn't make you look like a prick.

Tom Wambsgans

[groans] This is nice. Europe. Nice bit of war-torn, spooky, anti-Semitic, vampirey, authoritarian Europe.

Tom Wambsgans

Do you know what they're doing up in the suite? They're picking the next president.

Tom Wambsgans

This is an incredibly delicate piece of diplomacy, Greg. Okay? It's like... Israel-Palestine, except harder and much more important.

Tom Wambsgans

How am I supposed to follow this? He's just promised them eternal life.

Tom Wambsgans

Information, Greg. It's like a bottle of fine wine. You store it, you hoard it, you save it for a special occasion. And then you smash someone's fucking face in with it.

Tom Wambsgans

Shakin' the tree, folks. Shakin' the tree. Excuse me. Greg. Are you kidding?

Greg Hirsch

Hey, Tom.

Tom Wambsgans

Forgive me, but uh... We talkin' to each other on the poop deck of a majestic schooner? Is the salty brine stinging my weather bitten face? No? Then why the fuck are you wearing a pair of deck shoes, man?

Greg Hirsch

Oh... Yeah... No, well my credit card got maxed out, I'm staying in a youth hostel on, like, $80 a day.

Tom Wambsgans

Jesus. How squalid. Dude, are you carrying dog shit?

Greg Hirsch

No... No, it's uh... It's free, right? Is that cool? I mean, I don't want to be melodramatic, but my body is growing weak due to a lack of sustenance.

Tom Wambsgans

(bewildered) But in a dog poop baggie?

Greg Hirsch

Yeah, I have a bunch of 'em from back home...

Tom Wambsgans

Greg, that's disgusting.

Greg Hirsch

Not really. It's not like they pre-poop them or something, like, it's not like... They're just bags, really. It's just a mental barrier.

Greg Hirsch

I'm in Canada.

Tom Wambsgans

Excuse me? Canada? Canada, with the healthcare and the ennui? Why's that, cocksock?

Greg Hirsch

Um... I'm driving my grandpa down for Thanksgiving.

Tom Wambsgans

Oh, Greg, fuck your grandpa.

Greg Hirsch

Okay, you're on, you're on speakerphone, Tom.

Tom Wambsgans

[long pause] Well, I shouldn't be, Greg.

Tom Wambsgans

And I'm thankful that I am going to be marrying into one of the most vital and interesting and kind and loving families in the world.

Roman Roy

Are you not going to be marrying Shiv anymore?

Tom Wambsgans

Two-- This is 2,000 buck-- bucks a pop.

Greg Hirsch

Why?

Tom Wambsgans

No reason! We're being totally ripped off!

Shiv Roy

So what happened with the fake therapy? Any pretend breakthroughs? Any good performances?

Connor Roy

Nothing. Our therapist died.

Shiv Roy

What?

Connor Roy

Metaphorically speaking.

Tom Wambsgans

He smashed his teeth out in the pool.

Shiv Roy

Oh, my god...

Tom Wambsgans

Freud would have had a field day.

Tom Wambsgans

So, does that mean we're able to... fuck here?

Roman Roy

Yeah. Hey, Ken, what do you think of the pussycat? On it?

Kendall Roy

No, not me. Business is my fucking.

Roman Roy

Great. I'll find you a Bloomberg terminal to stick your dick in.

Tom Wambsgans

Oh my God, dude! That was insane!

Greg Hirsch

Oh yeah?

Tom Wambsgans

Yeah. Me and this girl, we go into this side room, and we start making out, and then, I'm touching her and then she goes down on me, and then I splooge in her mouth, y'know and-- g-- I know! I know! And get this: she kisses me and puts it back in my mouth, and I swallow!

Greg Hirsch

Which, the cum?

Tom Wambsgans

I know. So hot!

Roman Roy

Where do you buy your suits, by the way, Tom? Like, maybe that's why I'm just not moving as fast as you. I just don't have that, like, boxy, corporate look. Right? I mean, sorry, but, like, what the fuck? You look like a Transformer. Like, wh-- what's wrong with your body, man?

Shiv Roy

Rome, come on. There's nothing wrong with his body, it's just fuckin' suits.

Shiv Roy

What? Come on, we-- we've laughed about it before.

Roman Roy

You have?

Shiv Roy

Yeah. He's thrifty, and he has the worst taste in suits.

Roman Roy

Totally has terrible ta-- You look like a divorce attorney from the Twin Cities.

Shiv Roy

It's partly the walk. It's like a real...

Roman Roy

Robot?

Shiv Roy

No, agricultural walk.

Roman Roy

Agricultural walk!

Shiv Roy

You know, I tried to get, uh, one of his suits tailored by the guy that dad uses.

Roman Roy

Mm-hmm.

Shiv Roy

But he looked just so like--

Hey, Shiv? Fuck off.

Greg Hirsch

L-- Listen uh... so yeah-- c-- can I ask you something? On the-- on the front level?

Tom Wambsgans

Yeah. You worried about what you did in Cruises?

Greg Hirsch

What we did? No... no. Uh... No, I was gonna ask you about this Sam guy, do you know him?

Tom Wambsgans

"Ratfucker Sam?" Yeah, sure. You know he background checked me before I started dating Shiv?

Greg Hirsch

Wow. Yeah, so, what's his-- what-- what's h-- er-- is he... like what's his competency? Is he-- is he... nice?

Tom Wambsgans

"Is he nice?" You're asking about the moral character of a man named Ratfucker Sam? He is a fucking piece of fucking shit is what he is.