The Doctor quotes from Star Trek: Voyager

Neelix

There's no way that I'm going to be able to sleep knowing that Tuvok is lying here like this.

The Doctor

There have been rare cases in which comatose patients responded to external stimuli. Aromas, touch, voices.

Neelix

So, you're saying that if I stay here and try to talk to Tuvok, I might be able to provoke some sort of response.

The Doctor

If anyone can provoke Tuvok, Mr. Neelix, it's you.

Kathryn Janeway

I've become romantically involved with a hologram. If that's possible.

The Doctor

Tell me what happened.

Kathryn Janeway

Oh you know the story. Girl meets boy. Girl modifies boy's subroutines.

So what were your initial symptoms?

Radical hair loss.

Is that a fractal algorithm?

Very good. I'm using it to realign your matrix.

Fractal algorithms are notoriously unstable.

In the hands of a novice. [Computer makes a noise] Whoops...

Emergency Medical Hotheads; Extremely Marginal Housecalls; that's what everyone used to call the Mark I's until they were bounced out of the medical corps. I tried to have them decommissioned, but Starfleet, in its infinite wisdom, overruled me and reassigned them all to work waste transfer barges. That's where you'd be, too, if you hadn't been lost in the Delta Quadrant. Do you know how humiliating it is to have 675 Mark I's out there scrubbing plasma conduits, all with my face?

The Doctor

I'm sure they're doing a fine job.

Seven of Nine

You're acting like a child.

Icheb

I'm trying to save your life.

Seven of Nine

Only because you've grown too dependent on me.

Icheb

So you think I need to learn to rely on other people?

Seven of Nine

Yes !

Icheb

What about you? You've refused to rely on a single member of this crew. You hid your condition from the rest of us. You deactivated the Doctor, and now you're rejecting my help. You're the one who needs to rely on others. [to Janeway] Isn't that what people on this ship do? They help each other?

Janeway

Whenever we can.

Icheb

[to Seven] If the Captain were dying, you'd risk your life to save her, wouldn't you? [to Janeway] And when you respond to a distress call, you're risking the life of everyone on this ship to respond to the aid of strangers.

Kathryn Janeway

He's right.

Seven of Nine

Captain, he's just a child.

Kathryn Janeway

I don't think he is. Not anymore.

Seven of Nine

Doctor!

The Doctor

Don't look at me.

Icheb

Please. Just let us help you.

The Doctor

Level Blue is your critical care area, I presume?

Level Blue is the area where it's most critical that we provide excellent care.

The Doctor

I'm afraid, the role of spy wasn't written into my program. I was forced to improvise.

Seven of Nine

You improvised your way through an entire cheesecake as well as three servings of Ktarian chocolate puffs. Now I have to suffer the consequences.

Harry Kim

One of the Klingons attacked me.

The Doctor

Did you do something to provoke him?

Harry Kim

Not him, her. And she wasn't provoked, she was... aroused.

The Doctor

Ahh. I'm not surprised. I've studied this section on Klingon mating rituals in their cultural database.

Harry Kim

Then maybe you can tell me how to convince a female twice my size that I'm not interested?

The Doctor

Hmm. You probably can't.

Harry Kim

Great...

The Doctor

As I understand it, you have two options: kill her or mate with her. Since the first option is unacceptable... (hands Kim a form)

Harry Kim

What's this?

The Doctor

Authorization for you to engage in intimate relations with an alien species.

The child... cured me?

The Doctor

Well I was the one who devised the treatment.

Kathryn Janeway

Doctor...

The Doctor

Yes, of course--the child cured you.

The Doctor

Computer, run EMH program "Photons Be Free."

Welcome. You've made an excellent choice. You're obviously a person with impeccable taste.

'The Doctor

Computer, freeze program!

Unable to comply.

You are about to embark... on a remarkable journey. You will take on the role of a medical assistant aboard the Starship: Voyeur.

The Doctor

Voyeur?!

Your job will be to assist the chief medical officer and learn to tolerate his overbearing behaivor and obnoxious bedside manner. Remember! Patience is a virtue!

Chapter 1: It's the Doctor's World, You're Just Living In It.

When I tell you your shift begins at 0800, that doesn't mean you can stroll in here at 0800 and 24 seconds. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, ENSIGN?

The Doctor

This is outrageous.

What's outrageous, is that I'm going to miss my tee time. Now come along.

Aww, what seems to be the trouble, One of Three?

I'm Two of Three.

Uh-huh, sorry. [looks over at Doctor] They're triplets, ya'know.

It hurts when I do this. [moves shoulders in a circle]

Well then don't do it. [laughs and pats Two of Three on the shoulder]

Ow!

Oh, don't be a baby. [picks up a medical tricorder and moves it up and down extremely fast]

Ah, your bi-radial clamp is out of alignment. I got just the thing. [picks up a hypospray and looks at the Doctor] It's a Klingon aphrodisiac. My own special blend. [Injects Two of Three with it and begins massaging her]

You'll be feeling better in no time at all. [Two of Three giggles as the Doctor watches appalled]

The Doctor

My publisher assures me that he won't distribute the program until he receives the revised version.

B'Elanna Torres

That must be the one where we assimilate the Borg and take over the quadrant.

Joe has quite a flair for romantic gestures.

Tom Paris

"Joe"?

The Doctor

I... decided I couldn't get married without a name.

Tom Paris

It took you thirty-three years to come up with "Joe"?

The Doctor

It was Lana's grandfather's name...

Lt. Torres

[in labor] If you tell me to relax one more time, I'm gonna rip your holographic HEAD off!

The Doctor

I hope you don't intend to kiss your baby with that mouth.

Tell me this isn't another false alarm.

The Doctor

This isn't another false alarm.

I can't believe it.

Torres

[strained] Oh, believe it.

I might actually win.

Torres

What?

The baby pool. I picked today, 1500 hours.

Torres

I'm so glad I could accommodate you.

The Doctor

Don't celebrate yet. Klingon labor can sometimes last several days. [B'Elanna Torres grabs him by the shirt and screams] Of course, I'm sure that won't be the case here.