Dr. Craig. Napoleon had nothing on that guy. Every time I just think of him, I get my palms sweaty.
S1 E1Pilot
My Aunt Charisse is in from Forestville, California.
Wine country?
What can I say, she's into grapes. She wants to take me out for an evening on the town. Anything I want to do. All I want to do is sleep. How do you ask your aunt to sleep with you?
[to Westphall] Do you know what people call this place? Not St. Eligius, St. Elsewhere! A dumping ground, a place you wouldn't want to send your mother-in-law!
Dr. Samuels has VD. Word is he's infected half the staff, Wendy.
Don't look at me. I never went out with him.
That's what they all say.
Anything else I can do for you out in the free world?
Drop in on my wife. Tell her I'm alive and being held captive at St. Eligius.
S1 E2Bypass
I cut when I'm ready! Not tonight, not tomorrow, today!
Mr Broadwater. How are we this morning?
BMr. Broadwater
Feelin' pretty good.
Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad. Two of the major vessels to your heart, the left anterior descending artery, and the circumflex artery, are 90% obstructed.
BMr. Broadwater
[stunned] But I feel fine.
You didn't feel "fine" when you had those chest pains walking up a flight of stairs, now did you?
BMr. Broadwater
Did I have a heart attack?
No, but when we put you on the treadmill, your electrocardiogram indicated ischemia. And the angiography - do you remember when we put the dye through the heart? Revealed obstructions... VERY serious obstructions.
BMr. Broadwater
[clutches his chest, breathing heavily] 90% obstructed?
[holds up a long rubber tube] Let me show you something, Mr Broadwater - what does this look like to you?
BMr. Broadwater
A rubber tube.
Arteries are tubes. They carry the blood and oxygen from the heart. Now, bear with me. If we obstruct the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain... [ties a tight knot in the tube] What do you think happens?
BMr. Broadwater
[gets up unsteadily] I-I don't believe this. I'm only 40 years old here. Doc, you...
[curtly, shouting] You're fat. You smoke. Your father died of a heart attack when he was 42.
BMr. Broadwater
But Doctor, there must be SOMETHING...
You are walking a tightrope, Mr Broadwater. If it isn't the stairs today, it'll be washing the car tomorrow, or bouncing your little boy on your knee - or, if you're lucky, when you're sleeping.
BMr. Broadwater
[sits back down weakly] Ohhhh, my dear God.
Now, for the good news. [pause] I'm going to save you.
BMr. Broadwater
How?
Triple bypass.
BMr. Broadwater
Surgery?
[nods firmly] We'll give you a few moments to think about it, notify your loved ones. Do I have your complete cooperation? [holds out his hand]
BMr. Broadwater
[shakes it half-heartedly] I guess so.
Excellent.
[shakes Broadwater's hand, snaps the file shut, and breezes back out without further comment]
[as his beeper goes off] The hours, oh, the hours. I used to fantasize about sex. Now, all I dream about is sleep. Losing my rabbit impulses...
[talking to media] I am sick of this hospital snidely referred to as 'St. Elsewhere'. Let me tell you something, St. Eligius isn't elsewhere. This is the place to be!
S1 E3Down's Syndrome
You know, they say that paranoids make the very best chess players because with every move, they naturally assume that their opponent is out to get them.
[referring to his girlfriend Cathy Martin] She's crazy about me! I keep telling her it's only a sexual relationship and nothing more!
That's good! Women are suckers for integrity.
We're lucky to have Auschlander around to discuss these things.
Yeah, it's like Marie Antoinette talking about the inner mechanism of the guillotine.
I'm 72 years old now and dying of cancer. Ironic, isn't it? A distinguished liver man like myself betrayed by his own liver. With the radiation and the chemotherapy I'd have a slightly better chance, but the nausea, diarrhea, stomach cramps... I'd be septicemic from the skin infections...The slightest cold could easily turn into pneumonia and finish me off in a week...
What are you going to do?
I'm not sure.
You know what I think?
Tell me.
You should see a doctor.
[Auschlander laughs]
S1 E4Cora and Arnie
[to Reinhardt] You lack a good, healthy fear of life, Andrew. That's why it's so easy for you to take the lives of others. You have been sheltered and protected for so long that you feel invincible. Well, that sense of invincibility is an illusion.
Henry Kissinger said it was power... The Marquis de Sade favored whips and chains... Samuels claims it's a thirty to one shot at Suffolk Downs... And speaking for myself and the Urban Psychiatric Institute, the greatest aphrodisiac in the history of Man is high heels.
NNurse
Baloney!
That ranks second.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's St. Elsewhere pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.