Dr. Ehrlich quotes from St. Elsewhere

Dr. Axelrod

I highly recommend the pigs in the blanket.

Dr. Ehrlich

Get your mind out of the feedbag, Elliott.

Dr. Ehrlich

Noted heart specialist Elliott Axelrod, M.D. Craig was pretty impressed with your call on that angina patient.

Dr. Axelrod

[Proudly] Thanks.

Dr. Ehrlich

Brown nose.

So you took the job with that colonic slime, Bill Wolf, didn't you?

Dr. Ehrlich

How did you find out?

It's all over the hospital. Everyone is patting me on the back like I just had a baby boy.

Dr. Ehrlich

All right, all right, I was gonna tell you.

In this century?

Dr. Ehrlich

Listen, the only reason that I'm doing this program is to provide a genuine public service.

Oh, don't give me that crap! Muammar Gaddafi is more interested in public service than that ringworm producer.

Dr. Ehrlich

All right, I need the money. You know I got a divorce pending.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you turned on me for a few lousy pieces of silver.

Dr. Ehrlich

You've had your differences with Mr. Wolf, but I don't think that should interfere with our relationship. Yours and mine, I mean.

You can count on it! You lie with dogs, you get fleas!

Dr. Ehrlich

Well, wait a minute, you don't mean that, do you, sir?

His film eviscerated me all over the airwaves.

Dr. Ehrlich

I guess I can't persuade you to do a guest spot some night, huh?

Who do I look like, Ben Vereen? I'm a surgeon, Ehrlich, not a buck and wing man! Scalpel!

Dr. Caldwell

This is our last operation together, Victor. I don't want you to assist me anymore.

Dr. Ehrlich

What?

Dr. Caldwell

Look, you're a good surgeon, but ever since I came here, you've been nothing but bad jokes.

Dr. Ehrlich

What do you mean, bad jokes?

Dr. Caldwell

Remember your line about Helen Rosenthal and fun bags?

Dr. Ehrlich

Yeah, that...

Dr. Caldwell

When you're not insensitive, you're offensive. So I have just one suggestion to make. Why don't you do all of mankind a favor? Quit medicine. Take up your true calling, professional phony.

Dr. Ehrlich

Come on, Bob, why do...

Dr. Caldwell

Read my mask, pal. You're out of here.

Dr. Ehrlich

All I said was you drink your bath water.

Dr. Ehrlich

Fine, so, where'd you put the happy couple?

Luther Hawkins

Oh, up in the fifth floor, in Dr. Craig's office.

Dr. Ehrlich

[Shocked] Are you crazy?

Luther Hawkins

What, just relax, take it easy. Dr. Craig is out of town, the walls are thick, and the office is private, just trust me, everything will be fine.

Dr. Ehrlich

[Mortified] Trust you, fine, thick walls, this man's insane, my career's on the line.

Dr. Caldwell

[while looking at a X-ray] Come on, Ehrlich, your interest in Mrs. Dowd has more to do with your own testosterone than her husband's endocrines.

Dr. Ehrlich

Even prisoners have conjugal rights. Why can't hospital patients, okay? This is an important ethical question!

Dr. Caldwell

Look, if you were really worried about ethics, you wouldn't be hitting on the guy's wife while he was in traction.

Dr. Ehrlich

Is that what you think? That I'm some sort of ulterior pig who only cares about getting his ashes Holt?

Dr. Caldwell

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Dr. Ehrlich

Well, you're entitled to your opinion, but I'm not gonna lead Mrs. Dowd in the lurch!

Dr. Ehrlich

Let's say you have an accident of some kind. What happens next? You call an ambulance.

Dr. Chandler

And bribe the driver to take you to Boston General instead of this place.

Dr. Ehrlich

...where friendly, well-trained doctors will administer up-to-date medical treatment. Waiting is kept to a minimum through modern hospital management techniques that put the needs of the patient first and foremost. From the ER, you'll be whisked up to your room by...

Dr. Fiscus

Lovely Carol Merrill, who will take your clothing, rifle through your belongings, and palpate you into submission.

Dr. Ehrlich

An experienced senior doctor will be directly in charge of your case, and will carefully explain your condition and the length of time you'll be required to stay. Should there be any discomfort involved, modern analgesics are always available.

Dr. Fiscus

From dealers loitering in our hallways.

Dr. Ehrlich

Physical therapy and other hospital services are scheduled at your convenience, and nutritious meals are served promptly from heated carts at your bedside.

Dr. Chandler

He forgot to mention tennis courts and scuba lessons.

Dr. Ehrlich

...during regularly scheduled visiting hours, and often play a positive role in the healing process.

Dr. Fiscus

And when you receive your hospital bill, you'll have a heart attack and be whisked back upstairs by courteous attendants.

Dr. Chandler

Are you as sick of these Health Spots as I am?

Dr. Ehrlich

...hospital etiquette. Until then, I'm Dr. Victor Ehrlich with another Health Spot.

Dr. Ehrlich

Phew, this girl has really been dipped in the ugly pond, you know?

Dr. Ehrlich

Bobby... Dr. Caldwell, I'm sorry.

Dr. Caldwell

You're out.

Dr. Ehrlich

What's the matter Elliott, your head getting too fat to hold up?

Dr. Axelrod

Very funny. I had a close brush with death yesterday in the E.R.

Dr. Fiscus

Very little brush.

Nurse Daniels

Take my word, Ehrlich, the scar's right where you left it.

Dr. Ehrlich

Hey babe, please. I'm the medico here, okay? [Trying to look at Shirley's scar] So let's undo mister bow, pull the gown back, and take a peak.

Nurse Daniels

Your hands are cold.

Dr. Ehrlich

Yes, but my smile is warm.

Nurse Daniels

[Grabs Ehrlich's hand and shoves it] And the traverse stops here.

Dr. Ehrlich

Easy. I know it's not the cleanest appendectomy of the New Year, but consider the incredible pressure I was under. You, a demented killer, we almost dated once. I have great difficulty excising a vestigial organ, knowing that right around the bend, it's a cervical us. Trust me, Citizen Kane's dying thought wasn't a fond remembrance of a childhood sled, okay?

Nurse Daniels

I don't mind the scar. Besides, I'm not planning on logging any bikini time for a while.

Dr. Ehrlich

Surely they won't send you to prison. Will they, Shirley?

Nurse Daniels

Eventually. Until then, I got to find a job.

Dr. Ehrlich

Okay, embroider pillows. It's a growing cottage industry, you're home alone, no one gets hurt.

Nurse Daniels

My lawyer scheduled a meeting with Auschlander, trying to get me reinstated in emergency.

Dr. Ehrlich

If you need a character reference, let me know. Despite what anybody may have told you, I've always been in your corner.

Nurse Daniels

I know your heart's in the right place. So was Peter White's.

Dr. Ehrlich

I got to go.

Nurse Daniels

Cause if it wasn't, I'd have had to pull a trigger a third time, and blast a hole through his skull.

Dr. Ehrlich

[Coughing] I got to go. I'll talk to you.

Dr. Ehrlich

Dr. Craig, you're Episcopalian, is there a minimum income requirement to join?

Will you stop being a moron?

What are you doing?

Dr. Ehrlich

I'm looking for the messiah.

And I'm beginning to think that you're a 100% certifiable chuckle head.