Squidbillies Season 1 quotes

That large building over there is Dan Halen Sheetrock. They specialize in sheetrock, sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws, pharmaceuticals, petroleum, global mass media, third-world covert military operations, and...

...the Baby Hammock!

I do apprecinate the generous offer, but knifery is the tool of the idiot. I listen to my gut, and my gut tells me that this ain't a fit, but my heart says this could work and gut's a damn moron; so they get to carryin' on, and then my brain chimes in and sayin' I got to try my hand at the fast sex-paced world of adult literature.

So under experience you've listed here, on your hat-shaped resume, that you can: skin a buck, run a trout-line and that all your rowdy friends-

Are comin' over tonight, yes sir.

Early, you're the most impressive squid I've interviewed for this position. Let's talk briefly about your work ethic.

Well I don't think ethnics do no work. I mean, that's they problem, really. If you ain't like me, go hang from a damn tree.

Overt racial prejudice. Impressive, Early.

What I gotta do?

Well, you're my boss, and as CEO, you'll have certain responsibilities like showing up...and leaving...and accepting liability for...certain class action lawsuits that may, or may not, and in fact, currently are being levied against new products, such as...

The Pocket Surgeon! Just scrape the rust from the collapsible tumor scoop and...

Look, you won't have to know any of this stuff. The point is people are dumb, not like you.

Is my mind goin on me or am I watching you jibber jabber like some sort of jibberty box. Jibber Jabber on! Jibber Jabber on!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a brash intern. It won't happen again...sir.

Well, damn. Now I feel bad. Tell you what, take the day off. Workin' with me, fire 'n ice. I gotta warn ye! Fire 'n ice.

Today we's learnin' about rawks. They's all kinds of rawks. These [picks up rock] is rawks which you throw. These here [throws rock at Rusty] is rawks that you get hit with. And this, [pulls out Rusty's tooth] is a tooth. Now time for attendence. Rusty.

Rusty.

[grabs Rusty] Boy, do you wanna pass this class or what?

Yes I do Daddy I'd like that very much.

Then when I say Rusty, you say here. Rusty.

... Rusty.

Ok. On to history. What just happened?

... I dunno.

Hell I dunno either. Must be a repossessed memory. Damn you party liquor! [looks at liquor, which is actually a can of paint thinner, in contempt and starts to drink]

Today we's going on a field trip. This here's a field. And you's goin' take a trip!

Daddy I din know we had well.

We don't. [Throws Rusty into a well. Rusty screams] If ya get out ya pass.

Did I pass?

Pass what?

The field trip!

............. Nope. Now clean yourself up you're going to a prom.

Oh. Do you mind if I cut between you lovely couple?

Lil

Oh, I believe this young man is taken.

Oh, I just got sassed by a whore.

Lil

[takes out knife] Back off, bitch he is mine!

[takes out knife] Yeah, let's see what whore moves you got.

Ain't nothin' gonna stop me now but my innate inabilitry to progress conganacious thunk.

Now where's that money check? Come to your daddy, come on!

Oh hell, Early, I gave that to Granny.

What the hell?

Well, I mean, she said she was the principal.

She was the damn tennis coach! What kind of damn- [The three are run over by a passing train]

Nope, I don't need no internet. No sir. Not in my life.

What's that, daddy?

Rusty, what do you think of white people?

Well, I... I reckon they OK. I'll like 'em ol' Doobie Brothers.

[To Granny] He ain't ready.

That's not rightly fair, Early. We all of us love 'em Doobie Brothers.

Yeah, I reckon you right. Damn them Doobies and they Chinese Grove!

Russell, you ready for the special night tonight?

What we gonna do? Go down Atlanta, whip our shirts off and start a bunch of bullmess?

Nope [spits]... funner than that.

Give us the strength to cleanse the earth of the milk/chalk scourge, so's to keep 'em away from me.

Dump 'em on an island! Blow up the island! (Shoots his gun in the sky) Whoo!

Look ye upon this cash money, a symbol of the whites' power, how they jingulate their pockets full of metal-y money.

Burn all the...metal-ly money.

Burn it now!

Whoo! Alright now, Granny, burn your money.

No thank you (replaces money under robe)... and these skis, tools of their wicked recreational activity.

Chalk-man a' skiing on his white snow in his tightie whites, just like the white wing dove sing a song about what they singin'!

Whoo, baby, whoo, baby, whoo.

Burn the damn skis!

At a boy Rusty, burn them sum-bitches, embrace the hatred!

...and they live in houses, don't they daddy?

Burn the damn house!

Lil

(Sitting inside the burning house) Huh... I guess white people do live in houses.

Hot damn! What about these trees over here daddy?

Hmm? What about these trees granny?

No, the trees are fine.

Burn the damn trees!

Burn 'em!

Look everyone, it's the creature from the prophecy!

Nah it's just me. Help me Oobi Wan, you're my only hope. (Picks up Early and kisses him) For luck. Remember that? Get it? Star Wars? (All stare at the Sheriff) Ain't this a Sci-Fi convention?

Enter the circle of fire and answer the inquisitation

Answer the inquisitation!

Tell me sheriff, what do you, eh, what do you think of white people?

Eh they're all right I guess. I mean I like 'em Doobie Brothers.

Doobies aside! Doobies has been disquackified, alright?

Actually Early I really don't mind whites so much. I mean some of my best friends are white. Like me, I'm white!

You what to the what now!

Did I mention to you that boys. Hey look... See, white as a Vidalia onion and twice as sweet.

Oh no!

Ohhh denial. Denial!! I have done been deceptified by a salesman!

Burn the sheriff!

Hey, hey, hey. Woah, woah. Is this what this is all about, a hate white rally?

Well it don't have to be just whites. I mean we're all inclusive here... except for those damn whites.

Why do you squids hate whites so badly?

Typical. Whitey needs an explanation for every damn thing.

What happened to the damn house?

That there is a symbol of the evil white chalky man daddy.

It's a symbol of where I keep my shit, son!

I'll tell you something and I'll say it right now with my mouth and it needs to be listended: Whites is too reflective, with their sheeny skin, beating sunlight into my eyes.

Can't tell them apart. Looking like a bunch of lightbulbs with shoes on, all be-boppin' around all over the place.

Except for you sheriff, you one of the good'uns...

Oh yeah, yeah, you one of the good ones.

Thank you ma'm.

[Whispers] 'Cause you got a gun.

Now sheriff, unless you come up here to sex-atize, hump-ify or bang-ulate my grandma, then I suggest you turn your purty little whitey wagon around and get on back to chalky town.

I will Early, but before I go I'm going to tell you where society would be without the white man. Eli Whitney, the inventor of the cotton gin, a white man. How about Crawford Long? He discovered Ether, when he wasn't busy being white. And you know that sphinx and the ancient pyramids of Egypt? Who do you think built those Rusty?

I don't know... chalk-casians?

Actually no but they were in charge probably. Any fans of basketball out there? Here's a name, Larry Bird, the inventor of the slam dunk. That's a signature white move. Look it up. Rusty, you know the rap music?

I know the NWA. (sings) The police going straight from the underground. They don't like a brother 'cause hes...brown.

Well those N's wouldn't have any A at all, if it wasn't for the white police state. In fact, all music: rock, R&B, gospel, even reggae descended from, you guessed it, whites. So now what do ya think? How you like me now?

What about slavery?

Who abolished it? A white man, thank you.

But didn't y'all like whip 'em and stuff?

Nuh-uh-uh Rusty, if it weren't for us whites, your land right over here would be completely overrun by red Indians.

Uh-uh! Hell no! Not this land, Red Man! (Starts shooting wildly into the woods)

...and your granny over there? She'd be plunkin' her life's savin's into five dollar slots at a Cherokee casino and spa watchin' Jay Leno perform for two weeks this October, followed by The Beach Boys featuring Mike Love.

Silence the lies. Ooohh. Why do things have to change? We've been hatin' whites since Jesus was a junebug!

Granny, even he was a white man. Here, take a look at this novelty plastic Jesus. Go ahead, pull his sandle.

Aw...

Now get on back to ye' teepees!

Folks, my point is this: Whites.