Squidbillies Season 1 quotes

Early, ain't no whites ever bothered you. I guess you just hatin' for the sake of hatin'.

Mmmm, it ain't that sheriff, it's something else. [Begins to daydream] She was my dream, my muse, a vision suitable for the wide screen format. I can still tast

Daddy, I need to know once and for all...

Aw, dammit, not this again! I told you boy, if your momma's white then that makes me a damn chalky lover. Now do I look like a chalky lover to you?!?

Well I don't know daddy, you do drink alot.

Yes I do... and I fight... but, some other crazy sum-bitch is the one what bangulated and inpregnified that white womern, not I!

So you're saying my mama was white?

Wait a minute, what'd I say?

[Daydreaming about Krystal] Your mama was a vision in alabaster, a white lily of the field, rich with scented pollen and the sweet odor of the Morning Mist. Diet Morning Mist actually, although sometimes she would drink the regular if they's out of the diet. She was enormous; but Lord, did I love her... for 32 franatic seconds. (Swings hat over head) Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! The lovin' was good!

Well, then there's one of me. (Turns page) Here's one of them, what you call, them Glamour Shots, what have you. (Turns page) What do you know, there's me! Nope, that's a bus.

Am I in any of these pictures momma?

Well, uh... well look at this one, I'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one.

Ooh...

Yeah, I sent that in to Spunk magazine. Fools rejected it. You'd print this, wouldn't you?

My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream - rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite.

How is your daddy?

Ah he's good, he's good, just got out of prison not too long ago.

No, I'm sorry - who, who's your daddy? Anyone I know?

Uhh, Early Cuyler.

Tall guy?

Nope.

Big belly?

No, not the one.

Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen?

Not him either.

Or is Charlie Sheen?

Mmm no, not Charlie Sheen.

Is he a football team?

Nope.

Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team?

No.

Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen?

No momma! Early Cuyler's his name! About yay high. I've been told we look alike, espically around the eye region - same shape of eye, you know, right here.

Howdy doody to you, Krystal. It's been many years - but you, you ain't moved a bit.

Hmm now that's interesting.

What?

This rabbit's been hit by a hammer.

Early's tenure as CEO of Dan Halen International had not been long, but it had been distinguished. By drunkenness, hair-trigger violence, and a total lack of performance. I would call it a steady decline in performance, but that would imply that he performed at one point in time. In fact he had not. He was drunk.

Allow me to explain the contamination process: pine cones go in here, party liquors come out here, and proceed to here (pointing at mouth); fights begin, fingerprints is took, days is lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, cycle is repeated.

Aw hell, that's the office! I can't believe I have to go into the office on a Wednesday! Them people can't wipe they ass without me!

Howdy doody, Donna, nice ass this morning, yeah! You wearing panties?

Actually, I need to get off here...

Steve, big dog! Here's the pot I've been growin' on my property. See if this don't help wit' your wife bitchin' and all that mess!

Not here, man...

Pine cone liquor? Anybody? Well then...how 'bout a fried possum pecker? Uh oh! [belches]

See if that sumbitch'll fax now.

It never was able to fax. It's a coffee maker.

(long pause) You dumbass, you can't fax coffee! Coffee don't fax worth a damn. Every time the rain hits it'll run. Damn you uhh dumb sumbitch.

What did I tell you about drinking underneath the age?

You said if I could afford to bring back enough for you then you don't care what I do and It's my body and I can kill it however I want to and America's about freedom

Son, there's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that, and it's your welfare I care about. You know, that check? Did it come today?