Casey McCall quotes from Sports Night

Dana

Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a "welcome back" cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.

Casey

What kind of cake?

Dana

What kind of cake?

Casey

Yes.

Dana

I don't know, Casey, why do you ask?

Casey

I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.

Dana

Wow. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is "whatever cake I damn please."

Casey

Excellent.

Dana

You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back".

Jeremy

Cut the "back"?

Dana

Yes.

Jeremy

And have it just say "Welcome"?

Dana

Yes.

Casey

"Welcome"?

Dana

Do you have a problem with that?

Jeremy

He'll think he just cleared Customs.

Casey

Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?

Dana

In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

Dan

Alyson, as you can see, Casey and I aren't wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.

Okay.

Dan

Either that or take off your pants.

I'll avert my eyes.

Casey

Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.

Dan

Casey?

Casey

Yeah?

Dan

Who's been calling your calves shapely?

Casey

My mom.

Dan

Okay. Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dan

Why is it wrong to tell her, huh?

Casey

Doesn't seem very manly, does it?

Dan

[sulkily] Do it in a deep voice.

Casey

I have a plan.

Dan

What's the plan?

Casey

It's Napoleon's plan.

Dan

Who's Napoleon?

Casey

Nineteenth century French Emperor?

Dan

Cracking wise with me now?

Casey

Yess.

Dan

Thanks.

Casey

He had a two-part plan.

Dan

What was it?

Casey

First we show up, then we see what happens.

Casey

Try not to traumatize the new nanny.

Dan

Why would I traumatize the new nanny?

Casey

I don't know, but you always do.

Dan

I like nannies.

Casey

I know.

Dan

I'm thinking of getting one for myself.

Casey

Good.

Dan

'Course, she'd probably end up going back to her ex-husband.

Dan

Hillary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!

Casey

Either that or a religious bigot.

Dan

I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.

Casey

Proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.

Dan

I made an idiot out of myself in front of Hillary Clinton!

Casey

Yeah, but at least you had to spend a thousand bucks to do it.

Casey

I'm known in some parts for my first date. In certain parts I have a rep. There's such a thing as street cred, Dan.

Dan

Listen to this.

Casey

Tell them about my street cred.

Dan

Haha, seriously.

Casey

Tell them about my rep.

Dan

You don't have a rep, you don't have street cred. Your last date was 14 years ago and you ended up with marriage and a divorce.

Casey

In some parts.

Dan

There are no parts.

Dan

Good evening from New York City. I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus Luciano Pavarotti shocks the track world by running the 100 meters in six seconds, my mother hits for the cycle, and Martina Hingis sings selections from No, No, Nanette.

Casey

You're watching Sports Night on CSC.

Casey

Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute, was 26 for 32 in passing...

Isaac

How do you think Dana would feel about it?

Casey

Dana?

Isaac

Yeah.

Casey

Ah, who knows with Dana. One day she's up, another day she's down. That's girl's nuttier than a squirrel's cheeks in October. The point is... she's standing right behind me, right?

Dana

I cannot believe you.

Casey

Wait.

Dana

You went over my head.

Casey

I can explain this.

Dana

How?

Casey

I went over your head.

Dana

Casey!

Casey

Hey, I'm just trying to be courteous, okay? I didn't want to interrupt your dancing.

Dana

And you just sat there?

Isaac

It's my desk!

Natalie

I love you, Danny. You're the best.

Casey

Hang on.

Natalie

What?

Casey

I thought I was the best.

Natalie

Things change.

Casey

Who knows more than we do about boxing?

Dan

Boxers.

Casey

Besides them.

Dan

Boxing experts.

Casey

Besides them.

Dan

Boxing fans.

Casey

Besides them.

Dan

No one.

Casey

Damn straight!

Isaac

A famous monk once said, "I don't always know what the right thing to do is, my Lord, but I think that the fact that I want to please you, pleases you."

Casey

But you would have preferred a book of famous monk quotations...

Isaac

No, you put some thought into me. What could be a greater gift?

Casey

I look like an idiot.

Isaac

Added bonus.

Dan

What did you do?

Casey

I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do.

Dan

You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?