Dana Whitaker quotes from Sports Night

Dana

I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it "The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval." Included on the two-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" and "Sports Is No Place For An Educated Woman," and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How To Cook a Turkey?"

Dana

There are three things that I'm doing. I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's the third one.

I’m concerned with Casey’s performance on the air lately.

Dan

What's your point?

My point is, at the moment, Casey has less on-air charm and charisma than my high school driving instructor, and you know it, Dan. Now I think the time has come for you to think about the possibility of another partner.

Dan

I'm not going to do the show with your high school driving instructor, J.J., if that’s what you’re asking me.

Look, Dan, you've got a bright future at this network, and—

Dan

My future is writing and anchoring a sports program, with my partner, Casey McCall. Now, if it's here, it's here. If it's not, it's someplace else. For right now, I'm gonna forget this conversation ever took place. Dana, Isaac, you guys need anything?

Dana

No Dan, you're done here, thanks.

Isaac

I really got to admire the way you manhandled my staff this morning, J.J.

Look...

Isaac

No! Don't take me on.

The network's not going to wait forever.

Isaac

It's your call Dana, but pretty soon it's going to be my call. Cause here's the thing: I can't let it be their call.

Dana

Hey, look everybody. It's two sports anchors, and that's a good break for us, because we're about to do a sports show.

Casey

Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.

Dana

You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, "Natalie's got a good idea."

Natalie

But you also find yourself saying, "Natalie, if you screw that up again I'll set you on fire."

Dana

When was the last time you had a good idea?

Natalie

This morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.

Dana

That's what I'm talking about.

Dana

How much do you love me?

Dan

I want to grow a goatee.

Dana

Very, very bad idea. How much do you love me?

Dan

I think it would look good.

Dana

I think you would look like Colonel Sanders. How much do you love me?

Dan

A little less than I did before the Colonel Sanders thing.

Jeremy

This is professional television. Surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.

Dana

Absolutely.

Jeremy

What is it?

Dana

Well first, everyone stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

Isaac

May I add, Dana, that things I say in my office stay in my office.

Dana

Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told.

Natalie

Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.

Jeremy

I told many, many people.

Dana

You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.

Casey

I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

Dana

Wow.

Casey

Wow what?

Dana

Those cars are going fast.

Casey

Yeah, they're going as fast as they can because the first one across the finish line gets a trophy and a check.

Dana

Like a race?

Casey

Right.

Casey

"A neighborhood park all covered with cheese"?

Dan

I said cheese?

Casey

You said cheese.

Dan

Dana, did I say "park all covered with cheese"?

Dana

There's a consensus, yes.

Dan

What are you lookin' at?

Casey

I'm here for you, man.

Dan

Let me fix it when we come back.

Dana

Fix it when we get back.

Casey

Are we sure it's wrong? Are we sure the park isn't all covered with cheese?

Dan

It's covered with trees; now shut up.

Casey

I was just about to change my mind and recommend you.

Dan

Really?

Casey

No.

Dan

Dana, Casey's being mean to me.

Dana

Casey, be nice to Dan.

Casey

"Sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first steps to her father, who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese." Dana, we got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's gonna have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.

Dan

This is an unforgiving room.

Dana

Listen, Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation, so I'm gonna get a "welcome back" cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.

Casey

What kind of cake?

Dana

What kind of cake?

Casey

Yes.

Dana

I don't know, Casey, why do you ask?

Casey

I'm particular about cake. And I have to say, it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.

Dana

Wow. I didn't know you felt so strongly about it. But now that I do, I guess the answer is "whatever cake I damn please."

Casey

Excellent.

Dana

You're damn right there's an economy of language. I got the job done in two words. And I think... I can make another cut! Yes. We don't need "back"! We can cut the "back".

Jeremy

Cut the "back"?

Dana

Yes.

Jeremy

And have it just say "Welcome"?

Dana

Yes.

Casey

"Welcome"?

Dana

Do you have a problem with that?

Jeremy

He'll think he just cleared Customs.

Casey

Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?

Dana

In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.