Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.
JJal
Huh?
Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
AAlex
You still in the school, boy?
Oh, A-levels, you know?
AAlex
[sneering] A-levels? I hear they make them nice and easy for you down here.
[Sid and his father, Mark, have a heart-to-heart]
Why don't you stand up to him?
Dad's always been ill.
[enquiringly] What with?
It's uh... [scoffs] I don't actually know. I think everytime I see him, it's gonna be the last time and you can't take chances with that.
He calls you stupid and useless and crap.
[glumly] My father's disappointed. They often are.
[enquiringly] Is that how you see me?
[turning around and calmly] Never.
I'm useless and crap. I fuck everything up and it drives you mad.
[walking to Sid] Do you hear me Sid? Never.
AAlex
[sneering] Cannae hold onto your woman, eh?
[Mark hits breaking point. He has had enough of his abusive father]
Fuck off out of my house, you miserable Scottish cunt!
AAlex
[in disbelief] You... You, you... what!?
[approaches Alex] I know what your game is, Alex. It's a fucking good yin. But I'm not buying it, you got me?
[Enquiringly] Dad?
It's okay, Sid. [Raises his voice] They're all leaving! RIGHT NOW! [Alex looks shocked]
[Alex drives away and is never seen again.]
[Sid and his father, Mark, have a heart-to-heart]
I think I dumped Cassie. She's with some guy.
They're always with some guy. If they're special, you just have to make sure that guy is you. Alright?
ARAnna Richardson
[taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.
[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]
DMDelivery man
Buggering hell!
[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]
AAnna
This one's actually a lemon squeezer!
DMDelivery man
Thank Christ for that...
[getting up] Anyways, we should get the tents up. [helps Michelle up] Gimme a hand getting them off the...
[They see that the tents are missing from the car roof]
...Roof?
[Cut to the gang advancing on Chris]
Look, it's not my fault!
JJal
I told you to tie the tents to the roof!
No, no, no, you said to put the stuff on the roof! Nobody said anything about tying!
You meader, Chris!
[As Anwar pushes Chris] What did you think was holding them up there, you muppet?!
Where the fuck are we gonna sleep!?
I'm sorry! [pause] Fuck it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?
JJal
This! [reaches out and crushes his testicles]
Oh, that's gotta hurt.
CPCollege principal
[to Chris] I'll cut to the chase. We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a shit student and your inevitably shit results will affect my averages and I'll be swimming in a river of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.
Right, I've been to the job centre yeah, and they're a bit.. well they're all fuc—
Fuddy-duddies.
Yeah! Yeah, they are fuddy-duddies! Right, they're like, "just queue up here, fill in this box here, don't steal that. Right, it's a load of cra—"
Cranberry juice. [offers Chris a carton] Would you want...?
Thanks. Anyway, there's this one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bit—
Biscuit. [offers Chris a jar] Do you want a biscuit?
[Chris takes a biscuit and eats it]
How can I help?
Well, I'm thinking, seeing as you're a careers officer...
[Josie thinks heavily]
...I thought.. you could... you know...
[Josie still thinking heavily]
...help me get a job.
Oh yeah! Totally!
Yeah!? Fucking ace!
[Josie points to a sign that says "Be daring, try to express yourself without swearing."]
[quietly] Chris, stop swearing...
So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard, and he could pucking shove his pucked polo up his packside! Stupid prick!
I think one slipped through there Chris...
[thinks] Stupid punt.
[maniacally, while peeling an apple with a carving knife] Chris and Jal... Jal and Chris... more couples! More and more couples! [staring at the knife] Have you ever been in love?
JJal
I don't think so...
[smiling] Do you want me to describe it to you?
JJal
[nervously] Okay...
Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to kill myself?
JJal
Of course.
That's what love feels like.
[Cassie puts her knife down and examines her apple. Jal discreetly hides the knife]
CBChris' boss
Can I have a word?
[Chris acquiesces. Simultaneously, Chris' colleague Jon completes a sale and begins a loud and over-exaggerated celebration. The noise can be clearly heard in the manager's office]
CBChris' boss
It's just that, you've not sold anything yet. You've been here a while now.
No, no, I understand.
CBChris' boss
If there's anything I can do to help...
[referring to Jon] Muzzle, maybe?
CBChris' boss
[laughs, then adopts a serious manner] He does sell properties, son.
Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.
What happens then?
You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.
Jal, don't you understand I wanna-
JJal
Make a new fucking pact that means nothing to you? Yeah! Let's do that! We'll build something, and we'll tear it down! Fuck it! Come on. Say it. Build something! Tear it down! You're not who I thought you were. You're an empty, poisonous smile.
Jal, can't we just- I don't know what I'm meant to say! Jal, look at me. I was perfectly happy killing myself. All right? But then you asked me to try. And for the first time in my life, it felt like someone actually gave a shit, and that that person was worth trying for. And now... I'd fucking, I'd make the world record biggest sandwich if you asked me to. I'd kick old grannies in the tits, I'd fill the river with Panda Pops!
Money, it’s just bits of paper or numbers on a screen isn’t it really. But these walls they exist. If you can imagine memories happening in them than that’s real isn’t it? I just, I want you to imagine dying. Alright I know that sounds weird but just, you’re really old and you’re in your bed and you’re remembering your life. Your daughter’s first birthday. Shagging on a Sunday afternoon. Skinning up in the garden. With the kids. Alright when you do that, is this the house that you see in all those memories? Cause if it is than a few bits of paper here or there don’t really seem to matter.
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