TV show quotes
[attempting to return a stereo] Look, man, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you! Very good... face for memorising. So yeah, I bought it from you and you were chuffed to sell it.
[The shop assistant opens the CD drawer]
There's a pop tart in the CD drawer.
[A squatter shoves a naked Chris out of his own house after they fought]
Listen, take a while, calm down, maybe take a day or two and then we'll talk about it, alright?
It's my fucking house!
I don't make the rules, man, I don't make the rules.
[buying Chris' wheelbarrow] How do you want it? Powder, pills or cash?
Cash.
[counting out money] 10, 15, 20, job done.
Fuck it, let's have a look at these pills, then.
You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.
S8 brilliant to me.
Oh yes, my boy, we're going to do this my way now, you hear me!? The gravy train has terminated, terminated! You lazy little fucker.
Mark! -
Did Tony fail this?
No.
No, of course not! And why? Why didn't he fail it?
He doesn't take History.
Right! [beat] You are going to get something, something right, if it is the last thing I ever do! What's your next class?
Drama.
Right! Drama! Home! Coursework! Fucking perfection! Or else!
Why are you talking in very short sentences?
Emphasis! Drama! Fuck off!
[Michelle walks in on Tony and Abigail with Tony's hand up her shirt]
What the fuck?
Um, excuse me?
Hi. Just checking Abi's diaphragm contractions.
What the hell is going on?
The simple act of performance, sweetie. What did you think?
Bullshit Tony! You fucking sick... God, you're such a wanker!
Here...
[Tony gives Michelle flowers]
Fuck you!
[In baby voice]: Fluffy teddy bear?
[Michelle rips the teddy apart]
That's my lucky teddy!
And you can fuck off too!
Well, Michelle... I'm just wondering why you're overreacting like this?
Overreacting!? Right in my face, you whore!
You know, typically, episodes of paranoia might be symptomatic of a wide range of emotional and mental issues. Maybe, you know, you need some help with the outbursts. My mother's a psychologist, she could...
[Michelle slaps Abigail]
Ow! I'll kill you, you fucking flat-chested cock-sucking spastic horse-fucker!
Whoa, good swearing.
Bye, Tony.
Later, Nips.
Looks like me and Chelle are on a break.
You did that on purpose?
Go after her.
What?
Come on, man. Life throws up so few opportunities.
But she's your girlfriend!
Who you love. [beat] Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.
I've been waiting. Where were you?
I was out.
Who with?
Michelle.
Michelle? Wow!
Listen, Cass, I've had a bit of a bad nigh—[is interrupted by Cassie]
Michelle's so lovely! [singsong] Michelle... my girl. [Rapidly] I love her, I love her, I love her! So hey, wow! Fuck you, Sid! [Sid tries to protest] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [Cassie shoots her toy water gun at Sid's face then breaks down in tears] I'm going home.
[Sid tries to stop her from leaving so he can explain]
[kissing Sid] It's your choice, everything is your choice. [whispers] Wake up, Sid.
Everything you could ever want from an evening. Songs, choir girls, colourful costumes, fellatio... rabbits.
Rabbits?
Don't ask.
[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]
Now what?
Walk on.
Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.
Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.
[Maxxie, looking through Anwar's suitcase, finds his mother has arranged his clothes in plastic wrapping and labelled them, as if he is a child]
What, you try arguing with a 45-year old Pakistani woman then.
Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.
What, like more Muslim than he was already?
A bit more Muslim, yeah.
What happened?
Well, he’s just like, switched about me being, you know-
Blond?
No.
Short?
Gay!
[pause] Shall I give you head?
What?
[grins] Cheer you up.
For fuck's sake! You're supposed to be my friend Tony and I come in here with a problem, okay?
[Tony kisses Maxxie]
You fuck...
We're in Russia! I wanna try something new.
I'm... not a hobby Tony. You're not taking up canoeing here.
I've been canoeing.
What about Michelle?
Loves canoeing.
Anwar's a fucking liar! Lies to his mum all the fucking time! No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.
Who is Anwar?
... a friend.
Who is homo?
Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a fucking homo!
Anwar hate homo?
Yeah.
Anwar is friend?
Yeah.
So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Maxxie help Valentina?
I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!
How old are they normally?
[to himself] Every time. Every fucking time. "Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney." Oh yes, sir. "Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney." Oh, right away. "Come help me save some random bint." Oh, could I? What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.
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