Samantha Jones quotes from Sex and the City

Charlotte

[after Carrie's flamboyant friend announces he's getting married to a woman] I thought he was gay!

Miranda

Uh, yeah, "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle"? That has to be the gayest sentence ever uttered.

Samantha

He must be marrying her for the money!

Carrie

He doesn't need the money. He was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line.

Miranda

Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle."

Samantha

All married couples stop having sex eventually.

Miranda

That's not true. You've had sex with plenty of married people.

Samantha

That's how I know!

Samantha

I love the stock market. A room full of screaming, sweating men all trying to get it up.

Miranda

I don't invest anymore. It's too volatile.

Carrie

Exactly. I like my money right where I can see it—hanging in my closet.

Samantha

It's all gotten so sanitary! I mean, no smoking in bars. What's next, no fucking in bars?

Miranda

Well, first there would have to be a no-fucking section.

Samantha

Did you finally bugger Berger?

Carrie

How long have you been waiting to say that?

Samantha

It just occurred to me.

Carrie

Yes, we finally buggered.

Charlotte

[clapping] Yay!

Miranda

[to Charlotte] You realize you're now applauding intercourse?

Samantha

[about Carrie's disappointing sex with Berger] Dump him. Fuck me badly once, shame on you. Fuck me badly twice, shame on me.

Carrie

Is that the saying?

Samantha

That's my saying.

Samantha

Someone should tell Crazy that owning a hot glue gun does not make you a hot purse designer.

Charlotte

[whispering] Don't call her crazy!

Samantha

Look at this. I'd rather carry a colostomy bag.

Carrie

Ladies, these aren't bags, they're baggage. We are standing among the ruins of her last relationship. And it was one ugly breakup.

Miranda

I resent this. The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship.

Charlotte

Doesn't that waiter look familiar?

Samantha

I fucked him.

Carrie

[sarcastically] Oh! That guy!

Samantha

I'm afraid we want different things. You want to tell me all about you, and I don't want you to tell me all about you. It spoils the fantasy.

That's harsh.

Samantha

Yeah, I am harsh. I'm also demanding, stubborn, self-sufficient, and always right. In bed, at the office, and everywhere else.

Samantha

[looking at her appointment book] Shit, motherfucker, fuck, shit.

Miranda

There's a "Shit, motherfucker, fuck, shit" situation?

Samantha

I have to go to the theater!

Carrie

They finally made that mandatory?

Samantha

A new play in Brooklyn. Jerry's in it.

Miranda

So it's children's theater?

Charlotte

Oh, I think that's sweet.

Samantha

It's not sweet, it's pathetic how far a gal will go for a good fuck.

[looking at his Absolute Hunk billboard in Times Square] Fuck me!

Samantha

Well, that's the first thing every woman in town will be saying after she sees it.

It's huge!

Samantha

And that's the second.

Charlotte

How'd you do it?

Miranda

Well, I got pregnant, became a single mother, and stopped having any time to eat.

Samantha

Oh, that's a diet I won't be trying.

Samantha

I am so sick of these people with their children. I'm telling you, they're everywhere! Sitting next to me in first class, eating at the next table at John Schu—

Samantha

Look at that. This place is for double cappuccinos, not double strollers. [glances at Miranda] I'm sorry.

Miranda

Hey, no need to apologize. I wouldn't bring Brady here. Mommy needs two hands to eat her $8 cake.

Charlotte

You're not gonna defend children?

Miranda

No, I don't like any children but my own.

Charlotte

We have a tea bag situation.

Samantha

Oh, I understand. Just breathe through your nose.

Samantha

When you're sucking his balls.

Charlotte

What? No! I was talking about— Harry leaves his old tea bags around the house.

Samantha

Oh, I thought you meant "teabagging", when you hold a guy's balls in your mouth.

Samantha

He did something to me that was so perverse! Okay, I'm just gonna say it: He tried to hold my hand.

Carrie

You mean to tell me that Smith is a hand-holder? And to think he once served us food.

Samantha

You laugh, but it's part of a bigger problem. Do you know that I didn't fuck a single or a married guy the whole time Smith was out of town?