[Helen opens the door to Newman, who is standing in the doorway with a smug grin on his face]
Hello, Mrs. Seinfeld.
Helen (in the same manner as her son): Hello, Newman.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit there...you're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do it...you don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?
What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
FFireman
How do you live with yourself?
It's not easy.
Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.
[Jerry and George urge Elaine into the bedroom with them]
Do women know about "shrinkage"?
What do you mean, like laundry?
No...
Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...
[figures it out, gives a look of surprise, then confusion] It shrinks?
Like a frightened turtle!
Why does it shrink?
[growing despondent] It just does.
...I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
WWaitress
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
So what? What am I supposed to do?
Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
VVictoria
Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.
[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
VVictoria
[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.
JJimmy
Mr. Steinbrenner, sir. There's someone here I'd like you to meet. This is Mr. Costanza. He's one of the applicants.
Nice to meet you.
GGeorge
Well, I wish I could say the same, but I must say, with all due respect I find it hard to see the logic behind some of the moves you have made with this fine organization. In the past 20 years, you have caused myself and the city of New York a good deal of distress, as we have watched you take our beloved Yankees and reduce them to a laughingstock, all for the glorification of your massive ego.
Hire this man!!
Hot dog?
RIMs. Rhode Island
No, thanks. I'm watching my weight.
I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.
Listen...tonight, after we finish eating, you make like you got something else to do and just "recede into the night," if you know what I mean.
No way!
What?
Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.
I'm not going to "defile" her!
That's right, because I'm going to see it doesn't happen. Look, Jerry, these girls are Miss America contestants. It's every little girl's dream. And I'm not going to let you trample that dream and make a mockery of everything the pageant stands for.
But -
[holds up his hand] AAAH! No buts! Those are my rules.
So did you enjoy your lunch?
Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha. What?
Oh, because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though...
Even though what?
No, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, what's the difference?
What? What are you trying to say, George?
It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
You want the money for the big salad, George?
No, no.
What is the problem?
There is no problem... just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.
Perhaps there's more to Newman than meets the eye.
No, there's less.
It's possible.
No it isn't. I've looked into his eyes. He's pure evil.
He's an enigma; a mystery wrapped in a riddle.
Yeah, he's a mystery wrapped in a Twinkie.
Did you just see what happened here? Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger!
That's how waitress-types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.
Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Well don't look at me!
It's your fault!
My fault?!? Your Nana, is missing, because she's been passing those bum checks all over town, and she finally pissed off the wrong people!
Boxers! How do you wear these things? Look at that, they're bagging up, they're rising here, and there's nothing holding me in place. I'm flippin'! I'm floppin'!
...
I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!
Well, it looks like you've adjusted to the boxers.
Well, I wouldn't go as far as that.
You went back to the Jockeys?
Wrong again.
[realizing ] Oh, no.
What? What?
Don't you see what's goin' on here? No boxers, no Jockeys…
[Elaine backs away from Kramer, disgusted]
The only thing between him and us is a thin layer of gabardine…Kramer, say it isn't so.
Oh, it be so. I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm lovin' every minute of it.
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