AkuSay goodbye to your little toy, Jack! [starts bending his sword] Once and for- [the sword turns to dust] Huh? A fake!
That's right, Aku! You see, I'm smart, and you are pure evil...and I knew you would cheat. So I had a fake sword made and hid it under that rock over there. Then I hid the real sword right down... [notices the sword is gone, then looks up to find another minion holding it] here.
Aku
You see, Jack, I knew that you knew I would cheat, so I came prepared. And now you will learn what it means to be a fool!
I am afraid that you are the fool, Aku.
Aku
Why?
Because I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew that I knew you would cheat so I hid fake swords all over this place.
[upon meeting Jack for the first time] Samurai Jack! Man, it is good to see you, babe! What took you so long? I decimated this village days ago. Just for you! Wait, this is you, right? I mean, who could recognize you with all that gear and ruggedness, baby? I'll tell you who. Me! [scats and in sing song voice] Scaramouch the Merciless! [normal voice] The Pied Piper of Ruination, the Crooner of Carnage, the Ambassador of Annihilation, the Eradicator of All, baby! Also known as...Aku's most favorite assassin, babe. [Jack scowls a bit] Oh, there it is, babe. The world famous scowl. Well, come on, Sammy baby, whip it out! You know what I'm talking about. That cra-a-azy sword. Let's get slicin' and dicin', swingin' and bashin', hackin' and slashin', babe! [notices something off] Wait, back off a sec there, beardsly. [points down to Jack's waist] Where...is your sword? Huh? I don't see it. Oh? [chuckles some] No, no, no, no, NO, babe! Don't tell me. You lost...your sword? [Jack flashes back to the moment he lost his sword when he accidentally dropped it in a green abyss]
[snorting laughter] Okay, Jacky baby, you just make with the scowl while I make with the phone and call up Aku. [he gets out his phone and makes beep sounds while dialing for Aku]
Aku
[picks up the phone] Who is this?!
Aku, baby! How's it hangin', boss? Guess what I jus-
[Scaramouch gets attacked by Samurai Jack and their fight begins]
Aku
What??? HELLO!
[Aku wakes up and does some stretches]
HHost
Master, new arrivals have come to offer tribute!
[Aku rises to see a group of mud aliens]
MAMud Alien
O, Great Shogun of Sorrow, Master of All Masters, you have allowed us to inhabit this world, and for that, we are forever grateful.
[as the Mud Alien continues, Aku notices him dripping mud on the floor, making him frustrated]
MAMud Alien
[as another mud alien pushes a mud statue of Aku's likeness] We offer you a special tribute.
Aku
STOP! L-Look at what you are doing! You're getting yourselves all over the floor!
Aku
I just had it vacuumed! Out! OUT! GET OUT!
[as the mud aliens flee, a group of mad scientists appear]
MSMad Scientist
Master... Master, we've done it. May I introduce... the most epic version of the beetle drone yet! [hologram shows a humongous beetle drone]
Aku
And I care because?
MSMad Scientist
B-Because the samurai. You've wanted to kill him since forever. He's the bane of your existence.
Aku
Oh! That was the old Aku! This is the new Aku! And he really doesn't care about the pathetic samurai who wanders around like a mad fool. [laughs] It's hilarious. Really! Look, I tell you what. You want to destroy him? Go ahead. Who cares? I certainly don't. Not one bit at all.
[Aku is lying down on a chair talking to a psychiatrist version of himself]
Dr. Aku
So, tell me what's been bothering you.
Aku
Well, you see, Doc, it's been over 50 years already.
Dr. Aku
It's been that long?
Aku
Yes. You see, that's the actual problem. Once I eradicated all the time portals, I thought I would just wait it out, and then the Samura—
Dr. Aku
We don't say his name here. It is a safe place.
Aku
Yes, yes... sorry, Doctor. Well, I-I just assumed that eventually over time, he would just—
AAAku and Dr. Aku
DIIIIIIIIIIEEE!
[Aku slumps down on the chair]
Aku
But he hasn't even aged. I mean, like, at all. He just grew that stupid beard. It looks like he'll be here forever! I...I just don't know if I can handle that.
[his eyebrows and beard are put out]
Dr. Aku
Yes, it seems that the initial time travel has affected the aging process. It's quite the conundrum.
Aku
Yes... Uh, what is that again?
Dr. Aku
Just a confusing or difficult problem.
Aku
Yes. Problem. I wish there was someone who can dispose of my problem.
AAAku and Dr. Aku
Yes. One can hope.
[inside of his lair, Aku sits angrily at his throne as an army raid is attacking from the outside]
Aku
Can somebody please...STOP ALL THAT NOISE?!
HHost
I am sorry, sire, but it seems as though we're under attack!
Aku
[surprised a little] Under attack? Hmm... [as Aku thinks, he straightens his red goatee]
[Aku then reaches out for one of his spiked blocks and pulls it aside to reveal this zipper, he zips down the zipline down to reveal the Scotsman's army attacking and trying to destroy his lair]
Aku
Hmm... Perhaps annihilating this scum will break me out of my...malaise.
[Aku then proceeds to leave his lair, Aku style]
[after Aku decimates the Scotsman's army]
Ya know what? This was a bad idea! Time to go, girls!
No arguin'! Go! [his daughters hesitate, but begin running] I'll stall him while you escape.
[Aku finishes destroying the army, and groans in annoyance, before noticing the Scotsman's daughters on the run]
Aku
Eh, better to make it a complete annihilation!
Hold it! Yer not goin' anywhere, ya big buffoon!
Aku
I'm sorry, old man. I think you are lost.
I ain't lost, ye tree ogre! I might be old, but I've lived long enough to see the world rise up against your tyranny! Admit it, ya big oaf! Yer scared! The Samurai is still out there inspiring people by the thousands! After all these years, yer powerless against him! Ya been shiverin' like a wee baby hiding in your crib, afraid to show yourself 'cause ya know he's out there! And ye can't do anything about it! AH-HA-HA-HA! Yer just a big baby! Why don't ya go cry to your mama?!
[Annoyed, Aku's red laser eye-beams incinerate the Scotsman to dust, as his horrified daughters watch from a distance]
Aku
[smiles, but then scowls] Now why did he have to bring up the Samurai? Ugh!
[he then retreats back to his tower]
Aku
Whew... That was close! I didn't think you'd get here so fast. [Seeing Jack run towards the portal, Aku destroys it before Jack can even get to it] Fool! Oh, fun fact! That was the last remaining time portal in existence! [laughs evilly]
[Jack bends over and starts growling and grunting with anger]
Aku
Ooh, so angry! Be careful, Samurai. So much stress will give you a heart attack! Oh! What am I saying? Please continue. Never mind what *I* said!
[Jack tries to attack Aku, while Aku backs up and evades Jack's attacks]
Aku
WHOOOA! Ho, ho! Not so fast, Samurai! I know better than to mess with THAT sword. But before I go, I'll leave you with someone to play with!
[Aku transforms the cute little goats into huge monstrous demon creatures]
Aku
Go away. Didn't you hear the recording? Leave me alone!
Oh, but Aku-kachu! I got some info on Jack-o that's outta this world, babe!
[Aku groans in annoyance as he rises up to hear Scaramouch's news]
Aku
[bored/annoyed] WHAAAAAAT???
Feast your ears on this! I mean, do you even have ears? Like, can those antler things even hear?
Aku
[extremely bored/annoyed] Get on with it!
Dig this, boss: Jack-o has lost his sword-o.
Aku
[perplexed, then starts to squish Scaramouch] Are you sure!?
[feeling the pressure of Aku's power] Yes, yes! I bet my life on it!
Aku
[lets Scaramouch go] WHAT JOOOOY!
[Aku uses his red heat vision to restore Scaramouch's body]
Oh yeah! I'm back, baby! [starts to dance] Oh, yeah! [scats a bit]
Aku
[starts to dance too] Oh, yeah! [does the same kinda scat]
[Aku and Scaramouch start celebrating/dancing]
Aku
SAMURAI JACK!
Aku
It has been too long! Far, far too long! But you're probably saying to yourself: "Why? Why now for our sudden reunion?" Well, a little birdie told me...
That Samurai Jack has lost the only thing in the universe that can destroy Aku!
[Aku and Scaramouch laugh]
Aku
YOU FOOOOOL!
[Jack contradicts the demon by revealing the mystic sword to him. Aku rears back in shock, then turns to Scaramouch angrily]
[Aku disintegrates him into dust with his heat vision]
Aku
Well, it has been nice catching up, but I should go. I don't want to interrupt you and your lady friend. Pretend I was never here. I'll let myself out.
Aku
But how can this be? I never... Oh, wait. There was that one time...
[it shows a flashback of when the Cult of Aku were visited by their god, Aku]
CACult of Aku
AAAAAAAAAAkuuuuuuuuuuu.
[Aku suddenly appears. The whole room is silent. Aku turn and sees the shrine/statue of himself]
Aku
[after examining his shrine/statue] Not bad.
CACult of Aku
AAAAAAAAAAAkuuuuuuuuuu.
Aku
Yes, an attractive replica, but it pales to the original. Here! [Aku pours some of his essence into a grail or cup] Worship me, Daughters of Aku!
[end flashback]
Aku
So she must have...[it shows the High Priestess drinking from the same cup or grail]...drank it? And then... [it shows the High Priestess screaming while giving birth to her daughters]
Aku
So here you are... A true daughter of Aku!
Aku
[asking Ashi to kill Jack] Daughter, will you do your father a favor and destroy the Samurai?
[the possessed Ashi turns to Jack, then walk toward him and extends her demonic arm into a sharp point]
Aku
Yes... The simplest solution is usually the best one!
Ashi, you can't let it end this way! Fight, Ashi! Fight it!
Samurai Jack · 323 quotes
