I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.
That makes two of us.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
""" Booker: On for what?
""" Booker: JAckie, I'd Love to go.
""Crystal: I'm so stupid stupid stupid
""Roseanne: Oh Crystal Don't Be Stupid
Darlene: I know, Mom
Crystal: (Full mouth) I Can't help it
""" Is This chair taken?
"""Roseanne: Lighten up, Crystal
""""Dan:"" How did it go with Crystal?
"""Darlene: So what did you think?
You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
You noticed.
Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.
Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?
Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.
DDwight
I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.
DDwight
You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?
Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"
[regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.
Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.
Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?
No, I have a date.
Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Booker.
Vegetable.
[attempting to change a grade on her report card] I can't match this red ink. [Miss] Crane probably drains the blood out of stray cats to get her ink!
BBooker
[trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!
Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.
"""Roseanne: Rock and Roll!!!
"""Roseanne: Becky, Go wash for dinner.
"""Becky: What are we having?
Roseanne: Frog legs
"""Jackie: Are you serious?
What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.
Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
Yeah, paradise lost.
I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.
Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.
""" Roseanne: Watch out for the mist
Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.
Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]
[Becky catches Darlene smoking]
What do you think you're doing?
What does it look like, Einstein?
You're gonna die, you know that?
From one cigarette?
Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.